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Critical Analysis #1
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The Ballad of "Bug-eyed" Billy
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The Ballad of "Bug-eyed" Billy |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
. . .and keeping in the Jazz theme, this is something that i was recently inspired to finish. the final coat is still a little wet. punctuation may need a little tweeking. (fourth stanza?) The Ballad of "Bug-eyed" Billy (Summertown Temptation) Bug-eyed Billy, in the afternoon sun blows his brassy horn with the best of 'um. His music makes shadows on the blue grass lawn, electrified languid weightless jazz love. Big-brained Bakheem, he invented a machine, that notices the hairs on the neck erect. Whenever Billy played a shapeless jazz song, the machine would detect it. The machine was never wrong. Big-billed Baker was the Summertown mayor, and never had he heard such a smooth jazz player. He approached smooth Billy with a billion Ben Franklins, and a promise to make famous his horn to the nations. But Bug-eyed Billy, in the Summertown sun, stayed on the lawn with the rest of 'um; for Bakheem and Miss Francis ('neath her candy cane parasol) and little Bobby Jones still learnin' trombone. So Summertown was happy and ol' Billy was content, for the music was his payment and was never poorly spent. copyright (hands off!) 2001 mark woolard |
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| © Copyright 2001 mark woolard - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
I liked the feel of this alot, but am daunted that I dont know enough about poetry mechanics to fairly analyze its structure. The only tweak I might mention is the "um" in the first stanza.....felt it was forced and a bit out of place with the epicurean delight of the rest of the piece. "A little folly now and then, is treasured by the wisest men" --Willy Wonka |
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Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
This is fun to read! I like the use of alliteration, I think it kind of adds to the musical quality in the poem. I enjoyed it! |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Mark, T'was a fun read, and, yes, there are places here and there which need punctuation added or amended. That is easily done, though. In the first stanza, I found the rhyming of lawn and love a bit too far apart for this type of poem. You could get away with it in some others, but a ballad...I'm guessing on this. Perhaps someone else would know more about it than I. I did love the wording in that last line of the first stanza. I really don't know much about ballads, so I feel I can't offer you a qualified critique, but I did enjoy reading. Kris < !signature--> "As to conforming outwardly and living your own life inwardly, I do not think much of that" - Thoreau [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 01-28-2001).] |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
any help w/ punctuation would be appreciated. kris, i know nothing of the appropriate structuring of ballads, and never thought it necessary. i simply used the word without thinking of the "consequences". can anyone shed more light on this? |
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Greg_s Junior Member
since 2000-11-23
Posts 36Los Angeles, CA |
There are a few things that work for me in this poem. The rhyme is nice, and I like the offness of it, i.e. "sun/lawn". The last stanzas regularity of meter and use of catalexis in the second and fourth lines of the stanza give it the song quality I think you want. What doesn't really work for me is the character of Miss Francis. She pops in, then is gone again, without the same lasting quality like Bobby Jones, who is learning to be a horn player. Also, the lines about Miss Francis'parasol seem forced a bit. I would suggest elaborating a little more on the Bobby Jones issue, and leaving Miss Francis out. |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
man. not sure what i'm gonna do with this. i like the offset rhyming enough to keep, and the punctuation will remedy itself as i contemplate the poem. i agree about Miss Francis. hopefully in a couple days i'll have something figured out. . . thanks, everyone, for the thoughts! mark. |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
This is a nice one. I don't know that I know enough about grammar to critique your gramatical structure. The overall language in the poem was really well done. It really helped to convey the actual atmosphere of the poem's setting. It also helped to beautifully convey a jazzy mentality. |
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sylphid Junior Member
since 2001-01-23
Posts 30 |
ok, can I put in my comment the story is so, can I say cute? I mean how you put it and how you named your people and even money , in all, even the Hands Off at the end.. can I add it did inspire me to draw some lines out during the day when I see lawns..blue you say…i would love to see blue grass. mmmmm. , erected hair, mmm Mark the shape of that machine, made me wonder..who would invent such a thing..? horn, trombone , the theme was strong..wet or dry , this Ballad was fun… please accept my regards... |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
thanks, Frac. and bless you sylph! blue grass is green, but wears the title "blue" for some strange reason. it is a broad-leaf variety, thinner than fescue, and grows thickly in the yards of many people who own their own homes. language barriers are a humorous glance at the language i take for granted! thank you for your comments!  ) |
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