»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
free silhouettes any one?
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
free silhouettes any one? |
|
|
sylphid Junior Member
since 2001-01-23
Posts 30 |
silhouettes in pirouettes Pirouette one Sprinkle salt to all who inspire pirouette two In thy ears tasting recurrent madness .. And in third In thy heart Kneeling before desire In one … For the wind to left me Hold me against the mist .. Just below a cloud at rest Have me overlook traces Crumbs of entities left within from the crowd Inhale my happiness Of thy trivial findings Of true insights rise high before thine eyes Sprinkle…sprinkle salt and rice In two Stamp my feet To this Unfair grounds and listen to Gypsies in their rituals Celebrate this earth’s wind and fire to tribe’s colors wrestling for identity in it’s sinking sand empire to strings of so- la- ti- re (solitary) sounds to Bedouins shedding virulent urban attire shed. Shed , shed madness And of course in third Hear thee Chatter , stutter and mutter yet don’t inquire.. Wide open to chances my desire.. To numeral equations, alas in failure Corrupting awareness not acquired My footprints stands innocent Before all Before all I drop my share My rice My salt even my smiles, my sails In thy hands And Leave my prayers To circle Circle forever In pirouettes In silhouettes Even to those cheaters and liars…. Hear the soft singing softly rises 1 2 3 Wish Wish I can go higher [This message has been edited by sylphid (edited 01-28-2001).] |
||
| © Copyright 2001 sylphid - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
wow! this is good! first post? excellent! can't really give any technical advice here at the moment. some things caught my eye, so i will return later and elaborate. now, i fear, my brain is a knot of dough! (good poem, though) Welcome! |
||
|
Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
my opinion on poems that have an unusual structure, like centered or made into a shape, have a responsibility to either be brief or utilize the structure to benefit the meaning of the poem. I think the structure here DOES benefit the poem, especially at the end, but the length makes me get tired of scanning the poem long before I ever get to the wonderful ending. "A little folly now and then, is treasured by the wisest men" --Willy Wonka |
||
|
mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
ok. . .for my personal tastes, there are highs and lows here. excellent use of recurring themes (salt and rice), and some nice, grab your attention descriptive language (crumbs of entities). i guess my only complaints would be the structure (i can imagine this doing wonderful pirouettes of its own), and vagueness of content (which structural revision could clear up). of course, i could just be completely missing the point within, relating to the themes in one way and totally missing the slant of vision necessary for total comprehension. . .what's the poem about? |
||
|
sylphid Junior Member
since 2001-01-23
Posts 30 |
Lerk, I was astonished to find out that you actually saw the movement in the lines, mmmm, I tried to put down how I wanted them to sound…and if you were there listening to me writing , you would have found me dancing too, steps and turns, lifting alone the feeling in structure, and come on, Lerk there was only three pirouettes , and you thought it was long, if I were to compose dances, I would be swirling and twirling around as each word or thought comes out.. and bore you to death..I hope I did not though.. sylph |
||
|
Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
I was referring to the structure as becoming longish, not the content. I must not have explained that very well. I think unusual structures tend to make things hard to read, so they need to make some sort of sense or be brief. If the reader has to spend TOO much time scanning the lines mechanically instead of reading their content, then the meaning of the poem (which I had no problem with, btw) gets lost. |
||
|
sylphid Junior Member
since 2001-01-23
Posts 30 |
Now ,Mark First , I would like to thank you …and hope that your knot is loosened a bit by now, I hate to be the cause of a knot…I am not.. Second, It is wonderful to be left with the thought… that something I wrote caught your eyes, and for the possibility of a turn back… And you did Asking me What’s the poem about..? About me wanting to be up there…not dead but in a form where I can give as much as I take, drift in dreams and thoughts, I was celebrating life learning how to perform a dance, imagining for real I could be a sylph,if I keep wishing for it that much….and dance as much.. Sprinkling rice on someone in my country means you wish for them happiness ( in weddings) And salt is to push away invidiousness (envy is an easier word, I had to look that up) and they do it by holding a pinch of salt in one hand, reading some verses from the holy book, then spread it around.. after it heats up …nice … For revision, revise where you want … when you want.... |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
