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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Two Sides |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
(Warmhrt - Your announcement got me thinking back to some old poems dealing with a similar issue. This one's about 3 years old, but I thought I'd share it anyway.) ------------------------------------------------- Did I lose it? Is it gone? Did I forget where it came from? Did I forget to ask for more? Did I forget to lock that door? Am I to blame? Am I at fault? Was it me who got me lost? Was it me who did not choose? Was it me who chose to lose? Where was I? Where did I go? Where is the answer I used to know? Where is the comfort I used to find? Now is my strength so far behind? What is it? What is it now? This must be something I allowed This must be something I chose to feel This must be something I made real Yes, but is this not the love I feel burning down inside? And is this not the vulnerability That I've tried so hard to hide? Yes, but is this not the energy I feel pulsing through my veins? Is this not my intuition Tugging on the reins? Is this not the passage? Is this not the fare? Is this not the challenge? Is this not the dare? Is this not the truth is hear Whispering in my ear? [This message has been edited by Pearls_Of_Wisdom (edited 01-10-2001).] |
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
unfortunately, the heavy repetition of several words at the beginning of lines with only one or two words changed was very off-putting towards reading this completely. I'm an artist by profession, and a design professor said once that if there was something in your design that you wouldnt defend to the death that it HAD to be there, you shouldnt have it there. Less is more. Just to show you what I mean, I will rerun your poem without the repetition, removing the copious question marks. I'm not saying this retains the voice or the meaning of your poem, I'm just making the point that the structure is more inviting to read. -------------------------- Did I lose it? Is it gone? Did I forget where it came from? forget to ask for more, to lock that door? Am I to blame, my fault? Was it me who got me lost? who did not choose, instead chose to lose? Where was I? Where did I go? Where is the answer I used to know? Gone is the comfort I used to find Now my strength is so far behind What is it, now? This must be something I allowed, chose to feel made real Yes, but is this not the love I feel burning down inside? vulnerability so hard to hide? Yes, but is this not the energy I feel pulsing through my veins? my intuition Tugging on the reins? Is this not the passage? the fare, the challenge, the dare? Is this not the truth (I) hear Whispering in my ear? |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Lerk, I appreciate that you're probably trying to be helpful, but, actually, I disagree wholeheartedly. As I stated at the beginning of the poem, this is fairly old, but I can still relate to it and think it stil adequately expresses the feeling of desperately trying to make sense of things. The repitition, I feel, lends rhythm to the poem along with a sense of urgency that doesn't come through without it. Perhaps it doesn't fit in the Critical Analysis section because it's not as ambiguous or cryptic as many other poems here, but sometimes an honest and direct approach is more fitting. |
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
yep, I were trying to be helpful! but, you should know, I'm the least qualified person here, so everything I say should be taken with a ton of salt.  |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Lerk, It's okay. I guess I have to learn how not to take criticism personally. |
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
I can understand that. Myself, I figure if I post something in "critical analysis", I pretty much figure it could be as easily shredded as heralded, but I try to take every comment seriously and consider it, even if I ultimately dont follow it. Poetry can be personal, a child of yours in a way, and that can make it difficult to listen to criticism, but how else does one learn? Not all my teachers were smarter than me, but I learned something from all of them. |
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