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Critical Analysis #1
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In a Circle
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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In a Circle |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
Two friends walked in a circle. The longer they walked the more frazzled they felt. They decided to try something different so they walked as far away from the circle as they dared -- then stopped. Things felt the same. So they traded places with each other and continued walking -- farther than they'd ever conceived possible. Still no change. They decided to part ways. One returned to the circle -- the other continued walking. The one that returned to the circle joined hands with the others in the circle who liked nothing better than to be part of a large gathering that knew where it was going. The one that continued walking eventually came to a place where there were simple but smart people who enjoyed walking but frequently got lost. He joined hands with them. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Marq - All Rights Reserved | |||
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Marq, Loved this one, don't really have anything critical. You could have gone with a prose type format I suppose but this works just as well I think. Keep up the good work. J.L.H. Jason God is a warm whisper from the cool void. Jack Kerouac |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
The circle thing almost got me lost. Just kidding. It seems to state different ways of thinking or believing. You ought to read my post is along the same lines, just a state of different mind. Liked yours. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Very, very well done. Hell, you almost have a Beckett feel to it. suggestion: definitely keep the simplicity here but what about altering the diction ever so slighly -- for more variety. Great job. Brad |
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White Wolf Member
since 1999-09-18
Posts 371Somewhere in the vast wasteland |
I don't know how critical you want me to be. For me, it didn't flow all that well. It would work great as prose. If you wanted to try to keep it poetry and improve the flow, here are a few ideas. -eleminate those pesky common words that start lines, like the word "so" and "the" for example. -Have periods end a line and not in the middle of the line. -Eleminate repetitive words. Here is an example: "Two friends walked in a circle. The longer they walked the more frazzled they felt. They decided to try something different so they walked as far away from the circle as they dared -- then stopped." -I might change to: Two friends in a circle. The further they walked The more frazzled they felt. Time to try something different Walking farther and farther away Until they dared no further -- then stopped." This is only one way to change it, but seeing as I don't know what you are trying to convey, I can only demontrate how to make it flow better(at least for me). I don't consider myself a good poet by any means but just what I am able to understand better. Take this as you will. No offense intended. The White Wolf |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
Thank you all for responding! I particularly enjoyed your comments White Wolf. |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
marq: i dug the theme, man. easy to relate to. i take it you were the second friend who prefers a constantly changing perspective as opposed to doing and being the same as yesterday. the best way to not get lost, however, is simply to know where you want to go. if it takes a little longer, the poet will find something fond in the experience. |
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