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A Mere Mortal
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A Mere Mortal |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
gentle spirit, you wandered once into my room you told me all that you had seen and all you had been through. gentle spirit, you clung once to my chest the sensation of your breath is a whisper i will not forget. gentle spirit, you talked once to me of how you felt for another man you asked me for my help. gentle spirit, if only once i was needed by you then that would be enough if only that were true. gentle spirit, i am yours now to do with as you will please be gentle spirit you know not what I feel. |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
This has a nice feel to it. I think the fourth stanza is a little too pleading and I think you could improve the overall flow and wording. I'd go back and make sure every word of the entire poem is exactly as you wish it. |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Well, thanks for the suggestions. I agree that the flow is a little strange and so is the format, but I don't want to change it. I think if I try to, it will come out sounding too contrived, and that's the last thing I want, since it was based on an odd dream I had. So you still think it has a nice feel, though? Did it have an emotional impact on you at all? That's more what I was shooting for. But, yeah, it's a strange one for sure. |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
format and flow are indeed a bit choppy, but i can offer no advice on how to change that (you should read some of my hacks!). it impacted me emotionally in two ways. first, i took "gentle spirit" in relation to christian faith, and read the poem through the proper lenses. second, after reading the dialogue and finding it was based on a weird dream, i read the poem with those lenses on, and couldn't quite relate. that's not saying there is no haunting essence contained in the words--i just feel different things when i think of weird dreams. |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Hi Mark, Oh, that's interesting, thinking of "gentle spirit" as God. I never thought of it that way. Hmmm. Well, I guess now that I've mentioned the dream, maybe I should just be upfront and tell everyone what it was about. I guess it's not entirely odd, but, well, you'll see. So, in the dream, I was a guy (I'm not - that's the odd part) and in love with this girl who didn't love me back. (Or I may have just been watching the events of the dream happen, like a camera in a movie.) Actually, she loved someone else who was abusive or something and came and told me about it. That's where the "gentle spirit" comes in. That's the girl. Anyway, I woke up with this poem starting to write itself in my head, so I wrote it down. So there you go. Pretty odd, eh? Now does it all make sense? Maybe the poem's a little off because I don't make a very good guy! he he Hopefully you all don't think I'm a wierdo now. =) I know a few people that have had this sort of gender-reversed dream, so I guess it's not that odd, but this was the first time it involved a romance of sorts. Any other thoughts? |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
OK. I can grasp it a little more. . .I don't think you're a weirdo at all! I stopped telling my dreams to most people because they always thought I was a weirdo, also. Too many Freud students looking to give answers where there are no questions. . . |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Pearls, I read the poem first with no preconcieved ideas. It seemed through the first several stanzas that it may have been adressed to a deceased child. This of course stirred emotions. Then the last couple of stanzas had the feel of a different kind of relationship so I figured I had missed it somewhere. After reading the replies & your explanation I re-read and was able to follow the story line better. Very interesting piece. J.L.H. Jason God is a warm whisper from the cool void. Jack Kerouac |
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Raj_Yura Junior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 13 |
hi pearl i read your poem.the way u have broken it into words and lines is impressive. i mean the structure is quite rthymic |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Raj_Yura, Thank you! =) I thought it was neat myself. It's the first time I've written such short lines with such a weird rhyme scheme. J.L.H., Thanks to you too! I appreciate it. [This message has been edited by Pearls_Of_Wisdom (edited 01-12-2001).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi, I agree with some of the other comments(especially the flow), though I think this piece has a great amount of potential. It seems to be extremely heartfelt...written from true emotion. I take it as words of a love that one is unsure of reciprocated feelings, or, possibly, unrequited love. Since the reader's perceptions and emotions are often triggered by the words they read, I suppose all of the interpretations could easily fit the poem. The fact that you have brought out different ideas from different readers probably means that your work has touched them, and that is what poets strive to do. Nice work...keep writing, Kris All change in history, all advance, comes from the nonconformist. If there had been no troublemakers, no dissenters, we would still be living in caves |
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