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testing the waters
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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testing the waters |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
Vanity your silence, the evening in your eyes so familiar; You wore black gloves then. |
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| © Copyright 2001 mark woolard - All Rights Reserved | |||
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Mark, This is very vivid and I like the format, however I think a change in punctuation may help convey the idea. Just my humble opinion. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
I liked this, liked that it has infinite possibilities. Will look for more. |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
I'm not quite sure how to approach this one. I like it as is. The images work very well for me. I think the first line is the weakest simply because it is the weakest in the imagery department. What I would reccommend doing is fleshing this out. Leave what you have, but add more. Like YeshuJah said, there are infinite possibilities in this poem. I think you should take one of those and run. Of course, you may not want to also. I like this very much right now, but I just have the feeling that there could be so much more to it. Thanks for posting. Ryan "ah, little girls make shadows on the sidewalk shorter than the shadow of death in this town--" - Jack Kerouac |
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Krawdad Member Elite
since 2001-01-03
Posts 2597 |
Hmmm. The first line doesn't work for me. It's like a hurdle I've tripped over, in the fog. Otherwise, the picture is vivid and alluring. I'm new here, so not yet familiar with the typical submission but glad to see a short poem. I'm drawn to the compact imagery of the short poem, perhaps because it's the only form my pea sized brain can manage to compose. Hope you have more to share. |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
I have to agree with everyone else -- I really liked the compactness of this piece. It lent power and resonance to an image that might otherwise get lost in the shuffle in a longer poem. I liked the first line by itself; it was an intriguing description of pride (or reticence, as you will), which rang true enough to be interesting. The only problem is that it was just vague anough to require further development, which the abbreviated form you used did not allow for. If you don't wish to change the idea, you may want to add a few words to the image to make it more revealing, thus tying it into the matter-of-factness of the rest of the piece. This has loads of potential -- almost too much for three lines to handle. I'll be looking for more from you!  --Linda Remember: maintaining a positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will certainly annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This is a very tantalizing piece but I wonder if you might play with it just a bit more: Vanity, your silence, the evening in your eyes; You wore black gloves then. I wore white. Kind of allows a moment of fusion (and difference) with the speaker and the character. Wonder if you might consider that. Just an opinion, Brad |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Mark, I found this intriguing and full of emotion, but I too had trouble discerning what emotion in particular you were conveying. For instance, I really liked the line, "The evening in your eyes", but I wasn't sure if the speaker is looking back on this memory with fondness or bitterness. Maybe you intended it to be both? The interpretation that I came up with was kind of basic, but here goes. The speaker is looking back on a time when he was with this girl he was dating, who he thought he knew and was close to, but after that evening, they broke up and he found out she's not who he thought she was. Am I close at all? We seem to be on different pages in terms of interpretations and reactions. [This message has been edited by Pearls_Of_Wisdom (edited 01-11-2001).] |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
(wow. . .i've never had to answer questions like this. . .FUN!) Since posting this, I have worked it out to read like this: Vanity your silence, the evening in your eyes so familiar; You wore black gloves then. The emotion, I guess, is simply memory. The memory of a stranger I desired to capture, emphasizing what affected my most at our passing. Thanks, everyone for the comments! It pays to ask for directions. |
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Raj_Yura Junior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 13 |
mark- i like the ending that is antithesis to the idea and rhytm in above lines. I don't know whether the stranger who inspired u to write it actually wore gloves that black too. what i feel colour should be used sapringly unless it is univerally accepted in all cultures to bear the same meaning or u r describing the apperance of a person wearing a certain colur but then one should convey how the apperance is affected by the colour for me an ending like you wore gloves then is more appropriate if u want to convey the apperance of the stranger in contrast to emotion in above lines there is a poem by pound on similar lines i will let u know later about it |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Mark, Sorry I am so late in getting here...but I do have the advantage in that you have explained your intent. I did especially like the amount of thought provacation and images contained in so few lines. Well done. I do, however agree with a couple of other points...a comma after "Vanity", and leaving out the word "black" in the last line. That adds much to the rhythm of the piece, and allows for a wider image more suited to the "stranger". All in all, I thought this was fascinating...nice job. Kris All change in history, all advance, comes from the nonconformist ` A.J.P. Taylor |
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