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Unsuspecting Traveler
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Unsuspecting Traveler |
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Great Below Junior Member
since 2001-07-17
Posts 13Massachusetts, USA |
A yellow bucket Sits on the horizon of a grassy knoll Shifting through the wind Gale breeze spills fourth A sea of crimson Hung carefully during midday’s night A scarecrow mimicking human features Sways peacefully, lurking Passing on as if nothing happened Back turned, moon bright The shape shifter takes life Seething through tall grasses Striking quickly Savagely dismembering Precision terror Perfectly crafted Expertly wielded What a way to kick the bucket |
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| © Copyright 2001 Jeremy Graves - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
This is.... interesting. I think you have real potential with it. 'A yellow bucket Sits on the horizon of a grassy knoll' I like this, because it seems to me that giving the grassy knoll a horizon emphasizes its importance, as if it's the whole world, or the only world that matters in the poem. Also, the bucket being yellow seems to indicate cowardice. Good opening. 'Shifting through the wind' I'm assuming the grass is shifting in the wind, but the phrasing makes it seem like it's the bucket, which doesn't make a whole lotta sense. 'Gale breeze spills fourth A sea of crimson' This confuses me, because I don't see where you get a sea from a gale breeze.... maybe if you indicate that the breeze is coming from the sea of crimson it would work better.... but personally, I'd work on making these two lines more original anyway, I've read the 'sea of crimson' description way too many times. 'Hung carefully during midday’s night' Midday's night sounds really corny to me. 'A scarecrow mimicking human features' Again, kind of corny... and sounds like an obvious setup for a metaphor about conformity and its dangers. 'Sways peacefully, lurking' This image seems silly... when I think of lurking, i think sinister, I think tiger, I think prowler or rapist... and I don't imagine any of those things peacefully swaying while they lurk... lol. 'Passing on as if nothing happened' Who is passing on? The subject of the poem? Is that the scarecrow, or someone seperate? I was confused. 'Back turned, moon bright' I didn't realize this was set at night. It surprised me too much.... maybe something indicating night in the beginning of the poem? And once again, whose back is turned? 'The shape shifter takes life' This line seems to be talking about the scarecrow... is he about to prey on the subject of the poem, or is he himself the subject? I'm still confused. 'Seething through tall grasses' I think this is a cool image, since seething is usually applied to an emotion, but you already tlaked about grass... maybe use a synonym, I think blades would be cool, but it's your poem. 'Striking quickly Savagely dismembering Precision terror Perfectly crafted Expertly wielded' Too vague. First of all, it's a series of actions with no subject or object, and that makes it weak. the quick machine-gun flow does create a sense of chaos, but the chaos has no foundation, no reason behind it if you see what I'm saying. Like if the poem had a definite protagonist/antagonist, it would make more sense, but since there isn't, I felt kind of bewildered. 'What a way to kick the bucket' LOL, I like this, it's witty and it ties the oddball opening in with the general theme. What I would do if I were you is just work on turning the general them into more direct statement, by using more explanatory words and images, especially in a poem with characters...develop the characters. Give us something tangible to work with, not just little clues.... I think this could be revised into something really good... I hope to see a re-write posted. Hope I helped. BTW- forgive any spelling errors, but it's very late and I've been typing for a very long time.  You are more than the sum of what you consume |
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