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Assembled
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Assembled |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland 
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Assembled in the backwaters of a narrow corridor, a vessel is crafted on the wheel of perpetual faith, twisted out of hand and into flesh to feast upon the orchard light. The nurse sanctions the worm of wraith, from the confides of her moral dress, with serpent wings repressed, all the vice is denied and crimes anointed. She wears of guise of the righteous sister. In the Institute of Creed, where walls are scared with the horrors of Divinity reprise, the hollow child is anointed. A modified ideology's inserted as the shackles of morality are bound for an eternity. Negativity is disarmed. In the bow inflicted before prime development; worship before walk. Assembled a specimen of purity, sanitary and internally unatoned, Son of Adam, a receptacle for the virtues of sterile society. He bears the flawless burden, desiring only the freedom of vile cancer. "an afixiation a fix on anything the line of life the limb of a tree the hands of he and the promise that s/he is blessed among women". Patti Smith |
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| © Copyright 2000 brian madden - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Brian, I enjoyed this piece a lot...the wording was incredible! I have never seen a christening described quite like this. I especially liked these lines: "The nurse sanctions the worm of wraith, from the confides of her moral dress, with serpent wings repressed, all the vice is denied and crimes anointed. She wears of guise of the righteous sister." In the second line of the second stanza, I think there's a typo, and "scared" should be "scarred"...right? I'm not too sure how I feel about the last line. It just doesn't seem right. (JMHO) At first I wasn't sure about the "hollow child", but I realize you are referring to a babe's innocence. You are expressing quite a bit of anger against organized religion, which may or may not be relevant here, although your work has a powerful feel to it. Thanks for the read, Kris All good poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings...~William Wordsworth |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Kris, thanks for your reply.. yipee that was a typo the line should read "scarred" my spell check must be slipping. I agree about the last line, it is a bit too hard hitting, obvious... but I am still not sure about the poem, maybe because it is not the first piece I have wrote about organised religion, most of the other poems are along a similar vein. I hoping to inject new life into the poem, if they are any more suggestions they would be greatly appreciated. Just had a thought for the last line, "He bears the flawless burden, desiring only tainted human reflection" "an afixiation a fix on anything the line of life the limb of a tree the hands of he and the promise that s/he is blessed among women". Patti Smith |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
You have the entirety of a very good idea here, brain ... you simply need to dress it down a bit and I believe you will have a very powerful piece of work. You have presented a unique view of an ancient religious ritual, revealing the dark side of what we are accustomed to seeing only in stained-glass light. This, and some of your clever phrases, is what kept me reading this even when I stumbled across a few annoying cliches and what seemed like extra (and unnecessary) words. For example: in line 30, the phrase "shackles of morality" is dreadfully cliche, and does a disservice to the impact of the lines which precede and follow it. I was also rubbed wrong by the contraction in line 29, as I believe it would be more effective with either an "is" or without either. The use of "anointed" twice was a bit repetitive, as it is an unwieldy and unusual word (one use maximum per poem, I would think -- LOL). I thought your first use of it was better than the second. This is not a major ordeal, though, as I believe it can be corrected nicely with a synonym, as the idea itself is apt. My biggest beef, though, is the last two lines ... well, perhaps the last line, because it didn't seem to be in keeping with the rest of the theme. The 'victim' here is an infant -- how could he 'desire' anything? And cancer -- tsk, tsk -- such an ugly word! Surely there is some other which would be more appropriate..? On a brighter note, I would like to add that I NEVER reply to anything in CA unless I think it has potential, which this piece does. I would love to see what becomes of it.  --Linda Remember: maintaining a positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will certainly annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Linda, thanks for your comments and suggestions... I have to agree that I am guilty of those "annoying cliches" taking your suggestions in to consideration I rewrote the poem, well those dodgy sections anyway. I cut off the last two lines, a cop out maybe but I think the poem has more punch if it ends with a full resolve. Thanks again your insight. It was greatly appreciated. Assembled in the backwaters of a narrow corridor, a vessel is crafted on the wheel of perpetual faith, twisted out of hand and into flesh to feast upon the orchard light. The nurse sanctions the worm of wraith, from the confides of her moral dress, with serpent wings repressed, all the vice is denied and crimes anointed. She wears of guise of the righteous sister. In the Institute of Creed, where walls are scarred with the horrors of Divinity reprise, a hollow child is assimilated, its modified ideology then inserted. Disarmed negativity, in the bow inflicted before prime development; worship before walk. Now assembled is a specimen of purity, sanitary and internally unatoned, Son of Adam, a glorious receptacle for the virtues of sterile society. "an afixiation a fix on anything the line of life the limb of a tree the hands of he and the promise that s/he is blessed among women". Patti Smith |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Much more better! --L Remember: maintaining a positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will certainly annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
Brian: allow me some leeway. I am glad to see you posting in critique. I have humbly studied versification, grammar and form and structure. I'm not perfect, but may I show you what I've done in eliminating too many prepositional phrases, passive sentences and I redid some of your punctuation. If you see anything you can use, great! If not, that's great too! It's a good work. One thing I've learned with poetry, the fewer adjectives the better. For instance, cancer IS vile, eternity is ALL, faith if perpetual or should be! no adjective really needed, in my opinion. You get the idea. Well, here is what I offer, hope it helps. A vessel is crafted on the wheel of faith, assembled in the backwaters of a narrow corridor, twisted by hand and into the flesh to feast upon stark light. The nurse sanctions the worm as wrath from the confines of moral dress, and with serpent wings repressed, all vice is denied and crimes are anointed. She is disguised as the righteous sister. In the Institute of Creed, walls are scarred with the horrors of Divinity reprise. A hollow child is anointed. A modified ideology is inserted as morality is shackled and bound for eternity. Negativity is disarmed. In this inflicted bow. A specimen is assembled; pure, sanitary and internally unatoned before prime development; worship before walk, Son of Adam, a receptacle for the virtues of a sterile society, bears the flawless burden, and he desires freedom from cancer. "If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." Winnie the Pooh |
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