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Critical Analysis #1
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Not Yet Breathing (very short!)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Not Yet Breathing (very short!) |
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silvrduck Member
since 2000-11-05
Posts 146 |
Hello! Normally I post in the teen forum, but I decided I might as well give this a try. Have at it!  ---- Not Yet Breathing Along the way somewhere I fell Hit so hard, too late to yell So hold my breath, I will keep on Need a new base of something strong Tired and weary, eyes of stone Wait for the next thing to face alone Live the secrets, the truth in lies Nothing, solely dry tears to cry. with the unknown comes no expectations in this i find my peace love is friendship set on fire... now, if only it were free to ignite... |
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| © Copyright 2000 silvrduck - All Rights Reserved | |||
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Cool poem. In line 3, you might like to try something like: "So I hold my breath; I will keep on" or "And so, I hold my breath, and keep going on" These are just suggestions, and probably not the best either, lol. But, if they help, great. Finally, good rhyming. Especially here: " So hold my breath, I will keep on Need a new base of something strong " On , and Strong are both related, in the context in which they are used. That's neat stuff! |
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Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
Wow, not much I can realy say about this one. Very well writen, I can only thing of two things to change about it. First, I will dissagree with fractal about the rhyming of strong an on, I dont think its quite strong enough, not bad, but it could be better. And the second thing is the last line needs a little improvement, rhyme it with the line before it and it doesnt seem to flow as well as it should. Just my opinion. KM every day is a new day with which we can change the world |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
personally i have no gripes about this poem..thought it to be thought-provoking...and i liked "truth in lies" and "dry tears to cry"....very nicely put...  |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I would have preferred a more conversation syntax here -- the lighthearted nature of the tone doesn't really work for me given the theme (of course, I may have just missed something). The title itself gave me the feeling of not being born yet. Why not work on that? If you try to integrate idea with some of the images in the poem I think you can get a really interesting extended metaphor out of this. Just an opinion, Brad |
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