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Critical Analysis #1

my first tanka...

VAS
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-16

Posts 7450
Oregon

0 posted 2000-12-07 08:25 PM

unfrozen chill of morn
born on gray-clad sky, glazing
earth in blanket’s cling
rumbles intrude solitude
day commences history

© December 7, 2000

Virginia Salter

I went to AHA Poetry site and scanned the info about tanka and its possible historic heritage. It just made my head spin.

I'm looking for analysis of this first attempt, please.

kaile

Member Ascendant

since 2000-02-06

Posts 5146
singapore

1 posted 2000-12-13 07:26 PM

hi Virginia,
i well remember this one and i think that you have done a fine job...

if i want to be fussy, your last two lines while sounding very nice and poetic dont really tell the reader anything..revise these to words that will bring more definite images in the reader's mind...

though as i say, i am being FUSSY here

VAS
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-16

Posts 7450
Oregon

2 posted 2000-12-13 07:40 PM

Thanks, kaile. I'll think on those two lines. I also had it pointed out that I didn't count the first line very well. Syllable count used to be my STRONG point! ;o{ It has 6 not 5. Oh, Me, Oh, my!

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