navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » Every
Critical Analysis #1
Post A Reply Post New Topic Every Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Manda_1982
Junior Member
since 2000-11-01
Posts 24
Washington State,USA

0 posted 2000-11-28 03:07 PM


I posted this in another forum and it just didn't get much response, hopefully someone can reply in this one. constructive criticism is very appreciated! Thank You for taking the time to read this! ~Amanda~


If I had the power…
I’d transfer your pain to myself.
I’d take every hurt, and ache you feel,
And I’d make them my own.
Every tear you’ve cried,
Every sigh that has escaped your lips,
Every sleepless night,
Every sob,
Would be mine.

If I had strength unparalleled…
I’d hold you in my arms,
And let you cry,
Until every tear had drained from your eyes.
Every night you spent weeping,
Every feeling of unhappiness,
Every regretful emotion you felt,
Every empty stare into space,
Would be mine.

I’m sorry that I don’t possess that power,
And I’m sorry that I don’t  hold that strength.
I’m sorry, that I can’t make your world right.
But I’ll lend what I can,
You can have my shoulder to cry on,
And my hand to hold.
And I’m going to love you,
As much as you may need.
Until, you have the power, and the strength,
To move on.


© Copyright 2000 Amanda Young - All Rights Reserved
Kevin Rose
Member
since 2000-11-20
Posts 64
Liverpool UK
1 posted 2000-11-28 03:46 PM


I like the sentiment behind the poem, and the free verse structure works well in my opinion.

However I couldn't help feeling when I read it that it was a string of cliches put together.

"Every tear you’ve cried,
Every sigh that has escaped your lips,
Every sleepless night,
Every sob,
Would be mine."

why the tear?  why the sigh? why the sleepless night?  what inflicted the pain?

I ended up with more questions like this and it meant that the meaning got lost.  A suggestion is to maybe loose the cliches and put in more specifics, for example, "when I see you with the look in your eyes, feeling the loss of *insert the cause* in your *insert the body part/emotion* i wish I could wrap the *body part* in cotton wool".. essentially putting in more detail for the reader to relate to.

I stress this is my personal feeling, so feel free to ignore me!!

Kevin

[This message has been edited by Kevin Rose (edited 11-28-2000).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
2 posted 2000-11-28 03:52 PM


Hi Amanda,

I don't think I've seen you in here before so, Welcome to CA.

As far a critiquing your work, this is not my style so I probably can't say much useful but I'll have a go at it.

Although you hint at some sort of problem or conflict, you don't give enough for me to identify with it. If this was a short poem, that might work but at this length, it seems that more detail is required. Basically, I guess I'm saying that you could have said all of this in much less space. After the first stanza, you really don't add any substance, if you understand what I mean. It's obvious you love the person written to and the poem works as a personal commitment to that person but it has little to make it appeal to the general public.

Please remember that this is just one unqualified opinion and others may see it entirely differently.

Thanks for posting and again, welcome.

Pete

Oops, I see Kevin slipped in ahead of me. But it looks like his reaction is similar to mine. Also, I meant to say, keep up the good work and I hope to see more of your work. Thanks again.



[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 11-28-2000).]

YeshuJah Malikk
Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263

3 posted 2000-11-28 08:01 PM


Amanda, I second Kevin on this.  Romance poetry is extremely difficult to write well, only because so many attempts have been made at it.  And since the fundamental feelings that go with romance has been experienced by most of us you have got to be original to keep the readers attention... mine at least.  Don't mean to knock ya, but I didn't even get to the end.  Well.. you asked for it.  And Welcome.  What I suggest?  The most common admonishment is: read more poetry and pay attention to how it can be written.  I'll give no such advice.  Personally, I am not what one would consider 'well read in poetry' though I am an avid reader.  What I do is latch onto those ideas that strike me as quaint and try to build around what they bring to me.  This may not make sense as far as a concrete approach goes, but I just didn't want to offer a critique without offering a suggestion too.  Just my two cents.
Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » Every

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary