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Licking air.
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Licking air. |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
her smile haunts my loins and rockets through the portals of my mind everyday her movements ache my joints and chokes the air out of my lungs every night she sits atop the counter of my dreams clad only in desire every hour I lick the very air she breathes worship the places that she's been and every minute of this waking dream it seems belongs to him because he is the first and I am only second. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Not enough to go on for a really satisfying read but tantalizing nevertheless. At least you're not afraid to shift it at the end, I think you can give us a lot more detail and turn this situation into something really interesting. Just an opinion, Brad |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Yesh, Yet another one of your bold works...very well done, I think. You use very different phrasing from the usual poem on a subject such as this, and it meshes well...creating unusual imagery. Sad ending, though...but I suppose the poem itself would not have quite the same intensity if the ending was different. Nice work, Kris "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." ~ Albert Einstein |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Brad, thanks for the read. I intentionally stayed away from details for fear of dooming this to the mundane. You know as well as I do that poems of this sort have been done and at time overdone, making it hard to do with any freshness. This is my take on it. warmhrt, thank you for your kind comments. Yes, I thought the ending should be this way for it to have any meaningful impact. Thanks for reading and commenting. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I like this a lot. Although Brad commends the shift at the end I feel it somehow detracts from the cohesion of the piece. On the flip side I understand what you mean by a fresh take. 'she sits atop the counter of my dreams clad only in desire' Clad only in desire speaks just a little with cliche to me, yet this line: 'I lick the very air she breathes' nicely outweighs that. Basically, this works for me...and I enjoyed the flow.  K |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Severn, thank you for your comments. Perhaps I'll replace 'clad only in desire' with something else.. I dunno what. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I don't know Yesh, I liked "clad only in desire." I also liked "I lick the very air she breathes" but wasn't too fond of "she sits atop the counter of my dreams" as it just seemed too much of a mental stretch. Like Kamla, I found the turn at the end a bit abrupt. Keep up the good work. Pete |
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Kevin Rose Member
since 2000-11-20
Posts 64Liverpool UK |
This has grown on me. From the start I liked the twist at the end, it was the rest of the peom I was having problems getting my head around. I very much like the countdown structure of the poem, going from day to minute, but why the "and" before "every minute" it seems to interrupt the pattern. (I like patterns) I also liked "clad only in desire". One thing to be wary about I think is that the majority of critiques on this board are from people who have been reading this board on a daily basis for months. There is nothing wrong with cliches as long as they are used sparingly. I like to think from a point of view of what a general member of the public would think, and to me "clad only in desire" is not so common. If anything it is a handle on which a reader can grasp the poem. What do others think? |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Pete, thanks for reading the poem. I was aiming to show presence with the use of counter, perhaps the word mix got nixed. How about counter as in 'mileage counter on an odometer' since the dream is recurring.. maybe too far a stretch, what the heck? Anyway, glad you thought it good enough for comment. If the turn at the end comes across as abrupt, it is only so because I was concerned about painting the poem into the corner of the lengthy, boring, mundane, carrying on type that this kind of subject matter can descend into. Perhaps, I'll re-think that part of the poem. Kevin, thank you for coming back to comment. I agree with you concerning cliches. However, when or when not to use them resides strictly in the realm of the subjective, and thus is a matter of personal opinion. I agree with you about the break in pattern in the last verses.. again, this is, perhaps I need to rid myself of this sometime tendency, an attempt to connect things up. I'll think of a way to wrap it up... open to suggestions. |
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