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fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

0 posted 2000-11-22 04:55 PM

Hey, all. I've been recently starting to investigate and experement with meter. This poem is written in blank verse (unrhymed iambic pentameter). But there is one small problem. In line 6, I want to use the word "darkest", but that would fowl up the meter. Do you have any suggestions about what other word or wording on that line would work without fowling up the meter of the rest of the line? Thank you for your attention.

Thank you, Kevin, for helping me here. The removal of the word "all" works well. lol, that was very obvious, lol. I wonder why I didn't see it... Thank you, none the less.

In a world away from home there lays a
Dead man within a dark and wat'ry grave.
Down within the depths is where you'll find him,
Lying beside some faceless, nameless mass.
His face a mass of agony and fear
Of some nameless thing which haunts our darkest
Dreams, he will forever lie there as a
Testament to what lives down in the depths.

[This message has been edited by fractal007 (edited 11-22-2000).]

Kevin Rose
Member

since 2000-11-20

Posts 64
Liverpool UK

1 posted 2000-11-22 05:23 PM

This might seem like stating the obvious.... but why not just leave out the word "all" and write:

of some nameless thing that haunts our darkest

It would then put the stress onto the word "dark" and seem to solve the problem without loosing much meaning.... or am I over simplifying this?

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

2 posted 2000-11-26 12:41 PM

I don't see how this is really iambic:

In a WORLD aWAY from HOME there LAYS a

--lays should be lies and you have a four stresses here. Are you reading IN as a stressed syllable? Certainly not the usual thing to do.

DEAD MAN withIN a DARK and WAT'ry GRAVE

--I think you can drop the the ellision and make it watery with little worries of messing up the rhythm. 'Dead' doesn't have to be stressed either but that's how I read it.

DOWN withIN the DEPTHS is WHERE you'll FIND him,

LYing beSIDE some FACEless, NAMEless MASS.

His FACE a MASS of AgonY and FEAR

--Not really persuaded by that 'y' sound but it's technically permissible.

Of SOME NAMEless THING in a WORLD aWAY from
DREAMS, he WILL forEver LIE there AS a
TESTaMENT to WHAT lives DOWN in the DEPTHS.
--

As an experiment, I think you should be more faithful to the form (or don't label it as such -- nothing wrong with that). Also, if you want to expand on this type of image, Eliot uses it quite a bit including one image that was taken out of the Wasteland by Eliot. It might give you some ideas on how to expand the images here.

Just an opinion,
Brad

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

3 posted 2000-11-26 06:23 PM

Oh, I see.  Thank you for the pointers, Brad.

Does anyone know of any internet tutorials on finding the correct wording for meter?  I am a little bit confused about how to make it sound good.

I am just starting with meter, so I'm a tad bit rusty as far as the sounds go.  Thankyou for your assistance.

[This message has been edited by fractal007 (edited 11-26-2000).]

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