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Libbi Junior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 18 |
I haven't been here for months (exam crisis), and the last poem i posted here was a sonnet (kind of). I've gone back to my own free style since then, and although i'm not partciulary proud of this piece, its the first thing i've written in a while. Your advice is very much welcome...though please be gentle  Thank you all for reading.Deadly pounding waves too overcoming for a boat so small, the splinterd panelled wood is slowly breaking. A thudding blast of thunder captures both the fading worlds of blue. The oars, the single reaminging hope of life, have snapped. They sunk so quickly.... enveloped in the murcky liquid. How desperate, the grasp of life can be. THe glowing rays of sun can dance so teasingly, so knowingly unreachable while the pathetic boat sinks quickly. So completely helpless, there are no choices left to choose... no decisions to decide. A circumstantial glory, from your own hand of fate, you dealt your destiny. Your dying eyes see freedom. -libby- Okay, i know the grammatical side of things are looking rather grim....a common problem with my work. Any pointers are very much welcome. |
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OLIAS Senior Member
since 2000-06-20
Posts 1090Pearl city Iowa |
Hi Libbi, I read your poem when it was first posted, sorry it has taken me so long to reply. I dont know if I can help you but I'll give it a go. Grammer/spelling aside as you have already indicated, I will just try to give you my impressions of the form and composition of your poem. The piece is an interesting idea which, by the way you have written it maybe better served as a piece of prose rather than poetry, (but thats not up to me, its your work) I like the strong opening line, it sets the scene, the next four need a little work. Even though this is free verse I feel it should still flow from line to line, (there is no indication in the content that you require a jerky transition), in order to achieve this I would possibly remove some words and alter a line : Deadly pounding waves, overcoming, the boat so small, splinter'd panelled wood, slowly breaking (this is just a personal opinion, sometimes less is more). The next three lines I like especially the "captures both the fading worlds of blue". Moving on to the next six lines again I think you could tighten up a little on the wordiness, and maybe move a line again eg. The oars, remaining hope of life, snapped, sunk so quickly... enveloped in murky liquid, how desperate the grasp for life can be I placed the word "snapped" on its own to tie up with "overcoming" in the second line, removed a couple of words and changed the word of to for in the last line, this changes the meaning but I think its striving for life that you wanted. Again I like the next three lines, they tie in well with "A thudding blast of thunder, captures..." I think I would possibly delete "while the pathetic boat, sinks quickly" and not lose any of the sense of the piece (and this would help to balance out your verses). Strangely though the last verse doesnt really sound right I like it, if you possibly emphasise the discord as in So completely helpless, No choices left to chose, No decisions to decide, From your own hand of fate, You dealt your destiny, Your dying eyes see freedom. I'm not sure if your speaking about the boat or its occupants here, but I can live with it. All this is just to illustrate how you could possibly tighten up your poem a little without losing the content and its only my opinion, these things come with lots of practise, and its a good piece which you can develope, try a rewrite with more Libi than Olias and I'd be happy to read it. Keep on writing and posting you have a talent. Thanks for allowing me to comment on your work, I enjoyed it Regards, Olias |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
If you recognize the problems with grammar and spelling, why not change them? Everybody makes mistakes in these areas -- I wrote a poem once where I used 'and' for 'an' -- talk about embarrassing. Anyway, I think you need to develop more tension here. The poem doesn't really put up much of a fight, just sort of gets tossed by the waves and drowns; this doesn't make the reader want to care as much as he or she might; make the reader care. Show an attempt to succeed against Nature if not the success itself. Just an opinion, Brad |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
"I wrote a poem once where I used 'and' for 'an' -- talk about embarrassing" yeah ..i remember ~chuckle~, funny it was (almost as funny as that inversion)goodnight brad |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
goodnight? I just woke up. Just waiting for the coffee to finish brewing. See ya tomorrow, Brad |
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