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A home without a wall, |
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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
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| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Old man |
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Lloyd Junior Member
since 1999-06-16
Posts 17Torquay, Vic. Australia |
Old Man (Gruel) Old man, staring at the ground, Take up your life and walk With scuffed black shoes and worn out coat To the kitchen of the sad, And rows of empty souls Fed sloppy mash and beans, Life boiled out of them. Take up your life and walk, old man. Grey threadbare blanket and cheap wine To keep the cold world out. Grey skies and grey life Made up of long grey days. Walk old man, Take up your life and walk, Silently shuffle, Forget, And be forgotten. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Lloyd - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Lloyd, You picked an unusual subject here. BTW, I don't think I've seen your name before so, welcome to CA, it's always good to see another voice in here. As I said, this is an unusual subject which I think would be very difficult to write poetry about. So, I salute you for stepping up to the challenge. However, it doesn't work too well for me. I'm sure there will be others who like it though. My complaint lies not with the treatment so much as with the subject matter itself. You paint a hopeless picture with no possibility of redemption. The whole thing is just too dark for my taste. Well, this is just one biased opinion so now let's wait for what others may have to say. I still salute you for tackling the subject in a credable manner. Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
This is sad and true, and not at all too dark for my taste. In fact, this is happening as I write. I did feel as if there was no life here, in the sense of a description or clue to allow the reader to see this character. He seems so generic, not worthy of a second look. The subject matter and the angle from which you approach it is good though. I'd suggest you work it over. And welcome. |
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Lloyd Junior Member
since 1999-06-16
Posts 17Torquay, Vic. Australia |
Thanks for the welcome and the comments Pete The air of hopelessness was deliberate and was probably the underlying thought behind the poem so I guess I should take . YeshuJah Similaly the facelessness was intentional but I do take your point that it doesn't allow identification with the character. I'll put my thinking cap on  Thanks again for taking the time to comment |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Hello Lloyd...I'm new at critiquing...and I'm also known for writing about "lessons"...I was wondering if it was your intent to see the old man, although downtrodden, go and give of himself at the food kitchen, to serve those even less fortunate than himself, so as not to be forgotten... it will be interesting to see the thoughts progress... Karilea If I whisper, will you listen?... I would rather be silent and write, than speak loudly and be bound. KRJ |
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Lloyd Junior Member
since 1999-06-16
Posts 17Torquay, Vic. Australia |
Hi Sunshine, Thanks for the comments My intent was to reflect the blandness and hopelessness of the life of the old man who has been deserted and forgotten by society. ie the food and the men have had the life boiled out of them Any comments about structure ? |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Lloyd and wecome to CA, I agree the picture is of dire hopelessness, and there are many who feel this way due to life circumstances...but as long as there is life, there is hope. Perhaps if, at the end, you included some tiny spark... It almost sounds as if there is a bit of anger here also...am I wrong? If this is the picture you set out to paint, you've painted well. Kris "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." ~ Albert Einstein |
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