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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Memories |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California 
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In a song, suddenly there is you directing the dance. Swiftly like a rising curtain locked together swaying is that fragile moment still lit and lanquid and poised forever in grace. In the music of a laugh the curve of your lip breaths new and real as a flash of color stirs then flows across my bare shoulder where I was cold and now am warm |
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| © Copyright 1999 Martie Odell Ingebretsen - All Rights Reserved | |||
Lady In White
since 2001-02-12
Posts 2799USA |
I know this is in CA Martie, but it likes me a lot...you should think of putting it over in Open where it will be warmly received... as far as tearing it apart, I cannot do so, because darn...it just likes me too much! |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
Martie Well waddya know!! Hi there  , very nice to see you here indeed.Well I might as well cut to the chase and say straight away that IMHO you can do much better than this. I know you can because I’ve seen ... lol. This is a nice easy read, it has reasonably good rhythm although maybe some of the line breaks seemed a little mechanical, as though you broke where the lines looked even. The alliteration carries you through quite smoothly and I have no problem with that (dare I say I like it!): song/suddenly directing/dance lit/languid (typo on languid?) flash/flows but for me there was just too much unoriginality (especially in the second strophe), which from you, who has produced so so many wonderfully new images and metaphors, was kind of disappointing. Two lines that were a little closer to your “usual” standard were “as a flash of color stirs/then flows across my bare shoulder”. So I guess my verdict is that although I can definitely hear a glimmer of the martie “voice” it’s not one of your stronger efforts. As always, just my opinion, and blunt as ever no doubt  More poems? F |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
furlong--you can blame Lady in White for bringing this one up from the good old days of l999. If I look at it in that light...maybe your comments mean that I have improved since then..I think so, anyway. In any case, you are right. This is not one of my best. I appreciate you taking the time for a critique of such length. It is much appreciated! Thanks so much for seeing this Lady and for liking it enough to bring it to the top, and thank you furlong for your candor. [This message has been edited by Martie (edited 08-08-2001).] |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
oops ... silly me, should have checked the date! still.... same question... more poems? F |
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citizenx Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189motorcade |
Martie, There is so much dark poetry that a poem that is warm and glowing is a rarity and should be enjoyed, On that level your poem is a gem, beautiful simplistic and warm. I can not really judge because I drag up all kinds of dark wounded images easily but to write something beautiful becomes a trial. However that is me not you, if this was your first attempt at writing this type of poetry I would be kind but I have read many of your poems, and I have to echo furlong's thoughts. If I maybe so bold as to make some suggestions, " In a song, suddenly there is you directing the dance." Personally I found that the opening did not grab me, it sets up the rest of the verse but it does have the rhythm of the rest of the verse and still it seems somewhat separate to the rest of the verse. I would almost suggest opening with " Swiftly like a rising curtain locked together swaying" A much more powerful and beautiful image. Of course that would upset the structure of the poem, Maybe moving the opening line to the end of the verse, "still lit and lanquid and poised forever in grace.. Directing it dance there was you." " as a flash of color stirs then flows across my bare shoulder" Favourite image in the poem, beautiful. and I feel maybe the poem should end on that high, " where I was cold and now am warm" eek I know that you are working with short sentences so creating images can be quite difficult but I just feel those lines were an anti climax. I hope I don't sound to forward or too critical but I know that you can give this the Martie magic. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
It's great to see you in CA my friend! When I have time, which is in very short supply right now, I'll be straight back to crit your poems k? Hugs...  KI am a refugee of logic...insisting |
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James_A_Fraser Senior Member
since 2003-09-03
Posts 972Out Making Anticlines |
Where to begin....where to begin.... With a memory, of course! You were as beautiful then as you are now. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Might we demand a repost? In Open???  |
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James_A_Fraser Senior Member
since 2003-09-03
Posts 972Out Making Anticlines |
I'd vote for that! I wondered what this beautiful lady's first PIP poem looked like, and sure enough it's a fine one. Whatcha say, Martie? |
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