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Critical Analysis #1
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Latest rambling needs crits... THANK YOU!
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Latest rambling needs crits... THANK YOU! |
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Lily B Member
since 2000-03-31
Posts 91Auburn, IN, US 
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The Sting of Truth "You are too honest." Their words are shocking, interlocking and twisting honorable purpose. Before her, judges stifle and wrap sticky silk while venom pours in from behind. To guard health and sanity, she relieves herself from the crushing weight of self-containment. To quiet her fears and embody irony, she must risk her vulnerability, and --far more terrifying -- condemnation. With bare wrists thrust toward fanged snarls, she holds her breath and searches for mercy in the eyes of strangers... In the eyes of God. This heartsick fool bleeds Honesty -- revered beyond riches in fairest souls. Her reward lies in connecting deeply, memorably. She lives to discover goodness. Truth passes through her prism, however, and offends those not willing to basque. Webs and coils tighten. But what is her accountability for their discomfort? Should not noble intent be considered before sharply lashing with a forked tongue? Should not keen awareness of pain and loss be punishment enough? Why must Life be filtered and honest expression or reaction be withheld? Why must this consideration and tolerance be now issue with us all? The answers lie, as always, within us. Tell her where it hurts. Authored by Julie A. Remke. November 2000. All rights reserved. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Julie A. Remke - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Lily B Member
since 2000-03-31
Posts 91Auburn, IN, US |
The more I read this, the more confused I get about whether it's a "garbage gripe" or actual poetry. It's unlike anything I've ever put on paper before. PLEASE, please, please offer a little insight here. In a moment of self-doubt, I tried to delete this post but apparently only moderators have the ability. So now I'm resigned to (yet anxious for) feedback. Honesty is, of course, appreciated most! Thank you.... |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I like the idea but I don't think you explore the relationship between truth, feelings, deception, and social grease (or whatever). Instead of a meditation of being 'too honest' which comes off as a personal revelation, why not deal with the issues that real honesty would entail or even questioning the nature of honesty itself? I don't think I've seen a poem really delve into these issues before. Your poem, now, seems to think that there is such a thing as HONESTY and DISHONESTY -- perhaps get away from the extremes here and see what kind submarine sandwich you can create.  Just an opinion, Brad |
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Lily B Member
since 2000-03-31
Posts 91Auburn, IN, US |
Brad, Hmmm, great ideas you've presented. Thank you! You're right, it sounds exactly like the personal revelation it was. I did, however, actually consider taking the time to FILTER thru it all and make it less personal and "black and white"... but it compounded the irony for me (which I delight in), by being stubborn about NOT softening it with grey areas. *sigh* I do realize that all of that couldn't possibly come through in the way it's currently presented, though. It DOES need lots of tweaking. Thank you for helping me to see it through a discerning reader's eyes. ~"Lily B"~ |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
I think you've got some good lines here. I'll tell you the ones I like: 'Truth passes through her prism etc.' The stanza that begins 'Why must life be filtered...' I liked a lot. But I had some serious misgivings about some of the other parts. I think a poem should always start out strongly -- grab the readers interest. 'You are too honest' didn't really grab me, try as I might. Then you write 'Their words are shocking, interlocking, and twisting honorable purpose'. I think this is miswritten, for two reasons: 1) the wording is confused. I prefer 'Their words are shocking, interlocking -- twisiting honorable purpose' or 'Their words are shocking, interlocking and twisiting OF honorable purpose'. Exactness is a must. Plus there's also a lot of 'ing's' there. How about 'Their words shock, interlock -- twist honorable purpose.'? 2) Also interlocking seems out of place there to me. It looks like you used it because it went well with shocking and twisiting -- and it does -- but interlocking does not convey the negative inferences that shocking and twisting of honorable purpose do. Interlocking seems to have more of a positive connotation the more I think about it and the way you've used it. Moving on down: I liked the stanza that had the 'risk vulnerability -- or even worse -- condemnation' lines. But there again. It sounds pretty good, but I stumbled on it because to me vulnerability and condemnation go hand in hand. But you say' or even worse -- condemnation. I suppose condemnation is worse than vulnerability but when you risk vulnerability it goes without saying that you're also risking condemnation. You see what I mean? I could go on, but I think I've given you the idea of my take on your poem. Add exactness to your style. I liked your message a lot in the parts where I thought you presented it well! |
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Lily B Member
since 2000-03-31
Posts 91Auburn, IN, US |
Thank you, Marq, for your honest assessment. I'll be re-working this soon. I truly appreciate all the input! |
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