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Golem
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Golem |
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artsygrl Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 55Florida |
Golem Painful entangle Of threads upon heart "Kiss me my faithful friend" Against my arguing my heart screams this in a Feeling lost on my own comprehension As my body feels a drawing upon your lips, And I know within a moment I will be Recollected, Hoping nothing more was shown or seen How I ached for rituals end of placidity and Reasoning, And you speak words like an acquaintance speaks in a polite chime, And feel the love behind kind eyes Your words spoken like a Good Samaritan to save heart. You feel some need to speak to me like you're a little girl's leading And treat me like a brotherly mentor stroking to save face, or grace, or reasoning, All for feelings, for me or mine? But you do not know how my heart embarks in it's painful bargaining For I would never lesson pride for one who does not want to hold me, So I denied you long ago And I have tried in vanity's pain to let go Gold smith of heaven or of heart has weakened my desire to fight, and weaves this pain inside entranced in a heart's longing that I can only see in light of night's eyes, when I have no choice or escape from time, It laughs unremorseful in innocence, Refusing to not bestow it's gift, And aches to remind me that I do not want it's mater's weaving Artistry of love's being, a gift not allowed, unalloyed to detail or to show not allowed to show it's intricate motions And I anger at its threading Because I do not know why it exist When my head does not want it For my friend, dare I say that, one who might be kind but is so undeserving I am not a child to be spoken to, but then again my eyes deceive my Action's reasoning Weave me a symbol only in a ring Placed upon my reality Reality's principle edged in magical dreams Of the one who can place it and not be dreamed In a goldthread of unpleasing ,unreasoning, woven feelings This is refused not agreement of heart's head I will die in what is not meant to be As you talk again like words spoken from a golem's mouth I sit back knowing you must glimpse my eyes Betrayal, But I will not give up my pride To show you how I feel For even though love is woven in a beautiful Entrance, It's not real -Barbara M. Brewer- |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Welcome to CA, Barbara, Critique is the name of the game here, so I hope you don't mind a couple of suggestions. I think you have the makings of a pretty good poem here, but it needs some tightening up...it rambles a bit. Taking out unneeded words and phrases, and perhaps changing a couple of them wouldn't hurt (not sure what you meant by,"a little girl's leading"). There are also a few typos that need attention, one of which is confusing (7th stanza). There are quite a few phrases I really liked..."Painful entangle Of threads upon heart", "How I ached for rituals end of placidity and Reasoning," and "Weave me a symbol only in a ring Placed upon my reality" With some tweaks, this could be a knockout-poem. Nice work. mia ...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers |
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artsygrl Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 55Florida |
thank you so much mia, yes I desperatly need criticism, rather constructive criticism, I have learned the difference and very much want to improve my poetry which has always been too free(rambles)if you know what I mean..Thanks for the advice..I wasn't sure if I should introduce myself or not....I like what I see so far around here... |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I like the some of the golden imagery here but think you should try to show the reader more of what happened in this relationship rather than explaining what happened. You want to bring the reader in and make him or her feel the way you feel rather than forcing us into our own memories of what this might be like (ironically, if you show us this story, the memories will also trigger but will probably be more vivid). A couple of examples: How I ached for rituals end of placidity and Reasoning, And you speak words like an acquaintance speaks in a polite chime, And feel the love behind kind eyes --I would give us those words and try to show the polite chime (nice touch, though). You mention various forms of speaking at least four times (and variations on communication even moreso) but there is very little communication actually being shown. Why not see what happens? Just an opinion, Brad |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Barbara, Sorry, out of time right now but did want to welcome you to the CA forum. I'm sure you'll enjoy it here. Pete |
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artsygrl Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 55Florida |
Awesome Brad, this is exactly the kind of stuff I need to sink my teeth into, the knowledge to grow...the ability to see things outside of my view to work on....thanks for the wonderful advice you got me thinking in a whole new way...*smile* |
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artsygrl Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 55Florida |
well how sweet of you to the take the time to greet me...It is very much appreciated *smile* I think you have a wonderful thing here, there is allot of knowledge here to be learned... Mirrors are scarry sometimes, so it took me a while....*smile* thanks Pete... |
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