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a varied Shakespearean sonnet
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a varied Shakespearean sonnet |
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Lily B Member
since 2000-03-31
Posts 91Auburn, IN, US 
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"…My Unanswerable Question…" (a varied Shakespearean sonnet) Of Death and beyond I oft obsess And query all who’d lend an ear Beliefs on Heav’n and saving Grace Bestowed upon our loved ones dear. Upon my sister’s self-demise I fretted where her soul may land, For angry gods no doubt despise A mortal’s death by her own hand! Yet, would not those whose minds belied Their common sense and means to cope Be spared the judgement set aside For those with reason, wit and hope? Lo! Until the passing of mine own last breath, I’ll continue to ponder the mechanics of Death. copyright © 1998-2000, Julie A. Remke… All Rights Reserved *************** CRITS WELCOMED! *************** |
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| © Copyright 2000 Julie A. Remke - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Lily: I was touched by the content of your sonnet and, if this is a true account, I am sorry for what you and your family have had to endure. Poetry of this personal a nature is difficult to critique but since you are openly inviting it I will give it. This certainly does following the line count and rhyme scheme of a Shakespearean sonnet (even if "obsess" and "grace" don't quite rhyme). It seems that most of your lines are eight syllables long with an occasional nine count and your rhyming couplet sports eleven syllables in Line 13 and thirteen syllables in Line 14. If I were you I would begin by trying to regulate my syllable count. While certain variations are acceptible in writing a sonnet, I think many may consider the liberties that you have taken with the format to be excessive. Content wise, as I mentioned before, the subject matter was moving and I want to reiterate my sympathies. In a Shakespearean sonnet it is crucial that the rhyming couplet pack a strong punch and rap up the resolution of the conflict presented in the previous lines. Prior to your couplet you used relatively strong words like "obsess" and "fretted" to describe the manner of your thinking but in your couplet you use the relatively weak "ponder". You may want to consider strenghtening the content of those last two lines. Thanks for posting. Jim |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
L~ First off, let me add my sympathies if this is a real life experience. Sorry if this seems a little abrupt, but am rushed for time. Regarding this poem, was wondering if it couldn't be a bit more subtle. Example, it currently reads: Of Death and beyond I oft obsess And query all who’d lend an ear Beliefs on Heav’n and saving Grace Bestowed upon our loved ones dear. Perhaps something like Of Art and pictures made of thread I query all who’d lend an ear Pictures of Heav’n drawn in red Or loved ones traced in lines on cloth. Currently: Upon my sister’s self-demise I fretted where her soul may land, For angry gods no doubt despise A mortal’s death by her own hand! More subtly to: Upon my sister’s self-demise I fretted how to draw this strange land For angry gods no doubt despise A mortal’s death by her own hand! Then go into the closing. My thought is that by making the poem a concern about how to draw the image, it would be more subtle and more arresting? Anyway, this is your poem and your call. Total time to write this, 5 minutes on my part and you have undoubtedly thought a lot more about this than me. best regards. bboog |
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Lily B Member
since 2000-03-31
Posts 91Auburn, IN, US |
Thank you, Jim and bboog, for your wonderful ideas and words of sympathy. Both are appreciated! I haven't yet decided how comfortable I am in changing the "theme" to make my point more subtly... but I will give it much thought. I understand that dancing around a point encourages a reader's use of imagination and can be more exciting to read. I'm just more comfortable with being blunt, I guess. LOL The syllable count and meter, on the other hand, are pretty important to me as well... and I will work on fine-tuning in that regard. I would like it to be a TRUE sonnet in the strictest form, eventually. THANKS again, to both of you, for taking the time to comment! It's greatly appreciated.  |
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