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Hazelnut Coffee
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Hazelnut Coffee |
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PoetryNest Junior Member
since 2000-11-08
Posts 46Orlando, FL. 32703 |
Hazelnut CoffeeThe aroma seeps from its pores golden-brown oak hugging doorways, windows, and planked underfoot vanilla whispers from ivory candles, glowing softly around the room as shadows dance lighthearted laughter against Venetian wallpaper I see you through the darkness distinguished, animal magnetism and my soul stands before you naked, as my body sits opposite you smooth and creamy hazelnut coffee our only witness while we converse never making a sound. Cynthia (A Dove) Proctor |
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| © Copyright 2000 Cynthia Proctor - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Cynthia, Welcome to CA (I see this is your first post). Well, I'll start by saying I'm not qualified to critique free verse but I'll do it anyway. So this is just an unqualified impression. I enjoyed and was able to identify with the situation you presented here. The images seemed related well enough but they may have been a bit over done. Maybe there were just too many different ones. Well, that's JMHO. I thought the ending was particularly strong. quote: I particularly enjoyed the last two lines. It's interesting, that can be a very bad or very good thing. In either case though, it is personally recognizable. All-in-all, an enjoyable read. I'm sure you'll get some more useful advice from some of or FVers on this one. Pete |
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PoetryNest Junior Member
since 2000-11-08
Posts 46Orlando, FL. 32703 |
Thank you for taking time to read and comment, Pete. I thought this one was quite good, but the author of a piece makes for a poor judge.  Happy you liked.Cynthia (A Dove) Proctor |
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PoetryNest Junior Member
since 2000-11-08
Posts 46Orlando, FL. 32703 |
Specific suggestions for improvement, are always welcome. Cynthia (A Dove) Proctor |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Hi Poetrynest; I thought this poem was, in a word, "yummy." Perhaps it is only my particular affinity for coffee (especially hazelnut!), but I thought you succeeded very well in portraying a scene of warmth and comfort. The only thing that seemed odd to me was: I see you through the darkness distinguished, animal magnetism and my soul stands before you naked, You shifted from a "warm-fuzzy" tone by suddenly inserting a hint of the erotic, or primal, if you will. While the lines following lend themselves to several interpretations, some admittedly proving the necessity of this shift, I found that I was compelled to follow the less risque' course and read the ending as an intimate cup of coffee, nothing more. As such, I think the lines quoted above are a bit overboard on the "intimacy." Just an opinion -- I enjoyed the poem very much nonetheless.  --L Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers. |
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Elizabeth Cor Senior Member
since 2000-10-13
Posts 879Over the river and through the woods |
Your first post in CA? Are you sure you're ready for this?  The aroma seeps from its pores ~ I don't like this beginning. I'm not sure what is seeping the aroma, and if it has pores, there must be another, more pleasing way to word this. If you're referring to the coffee… I would try a new approach altogether. golden-brown oak hugging doorways, windows, ~ nice. and planked underfoot ~ something about this doesn't fit for me… vanilla whispers ~ "whispers" is cliché, play with a few other words from ivory candles, glowing softly around the room ~ if you find the right word to replace "whispers" this will flow beautifully as shadows dance ~ cliché lighthearted laughter against Venetian wallpaper ~ interesting concept… read this over a few times to yourself and see how it can be improved. I see you through the darkness ~ a more descriptive phrase would be a better choice. distinguished, animal magnetism ~ YEA! and my soul stands before you naked, ~ cliché as my body sits opposite you ~ this will work with the right revisions to surrounding lines smooth and creamy hazelnut coffee our only witness while we converse ~ sweet. never making a sound. ~ this idea is run into the ground… if you can find a new way to say it, the piece will sing. I think that this will be a truly lovely piece with a little work. Thank you, PoetryNest, for sharing, I hope the insight will aid you in improving this poem. ~ Beth |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Powerful images, powerfully wrought. I enjoyed the scene and felt the room, perhaps as you felt it in this work. And welcome. |
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PoetryNest Junior Member
since 2000-11-08
Posts 46Orlando, FL. 32703 |
Thank you, Skyfyre. I was attempting to capture the mood of two people (who have intimate knowledge) meeting for coffee. Their silence might suggest a forbidden relationship between them, and the reason they meet in candlelight, and shadows. Yes, they only drank coffee... there. Does this work for you ? Cynthia (A Dove) Proctor |
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PoetryNest Junior Member
since 2000-11-08
Posts 46Orlando, FL. 32703 |
Hi Beth ! Thank you for taking time to read and offer such an indepth critique. I'm always open to change, for the better. **************** The aroma seeps from its pores ~ I don't like this beginning. I'm not sure what is seeping the aroma, and if it has pores, there must be another, more pleasing way to word this. If you're referring to the coffee… I would try a new approach altogether. >>I used "aroma seeps from its pores", to give the impression that this is an established place, which the same smells have filled for many years. The pores, the smells have affixed themselves to, are of wood and wallpaper. This is to give a first impression, as if you were walking into this place. *************** golden-brown oak hugging doorways, windows, ~ nice. >>Thank you. "golden-brown" gives warmth to the wood, and sets the stage for coffee. **************** and planked underfoot ~ something about this doesn't fit for me… >>"oak planks" make me think of something of an enduring quality, sturdy, but understated. This line of thought carries over to the couple's relationship. *************** vanilla whispers ~ "whispers" is cliché, play with a few other words >>curls? I kind of like curls. I used whispers to establish an imtimate setting for the couple. from ivory candles, glowing softly around the room ~ if you find the right word to replace "whispers" this will flow beautifully ************ as shadows dance ~ cliché lighthearted laughter against Venetian wallpaper ~ interesting concept… read this over a few times to yourself and see how it can be improved. >>as shadows mingle lighthearted laughter with Venetian wallpaper ?? *********** I see you through the darkness ~ a more descriptive phrase would be a better choice. >>I wanted this to be a 'dash of plain'; a break into clarity, as she sees him. *************** distinguished, animal magnetism ~ YEA! >> Yes, I like this part too. > ~*************** and my soul stands before you naked, ~ cliché >>and my imprudence stands exposed, ?? as my body sits opposite you ~ this will work with the right revisions to surrounding lines *************** smooth and creamy hazelnut coffee our only witness while we converse ~ sweet. **************** never making a sound. ~ this idea is run into the ground… if you can find a new way to say it, the piece will sing. >> (starting a line up) as conversation slips into whipped cream. ?? ************* I think that this will be a truly lovely piece with a little work. Thank you, PoetryNest, for sharing, I hope the insight will aid you in improving this poem. >>>>> Thank you again ! Hope the changes work. I'll repost to check the temprature. Cynthia (A Dove) Proctor |
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PoetryNest Junior Member
since 2000-11-08
Posts 46Orlando, FL. 32703 |
Thank you, YeshuJah. I hope you like the revised version even more. Cynthia (A Dove) Proctor |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
drling cynthina, it makes me so happy to see another persone so eager to improve their own work. but you must remember, even though we will throw around our big words and metirical terminology and pose as studied and wise, this is your stuff. the comments we make are merely opinions, and you are the only one who gets to decide what lines you change to what. never ever ask other people to approve what you write like that. edit what you want so your poem satisfies you. then, post the new version and we will subsequently tear it all to pieces. but have confidence, please, in the way you hold your pen. luv Elyse |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Cynthia, I just wanted to mention that Elyse speaks with a wisdom which belies her years. Despite first impressions, I am unaware of any real "experts" in here. We do have a bunch of opinions, however, most of which I give the greatest respect. I would encourage you to look at your poem, or any poem, in its entirety, get the full impact and feel before accepting or offering suggestions. Thanks Pete |
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PoetryNest Junior Member
since 2000-11-08
Posts 46Orlando, FL. 32703 |
Thank you, Elyse and Not A Poet. That is some good advise, worth remembering ! Cynthia (A Dove) Proctor |
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dragonpoe Senior Member
since 2000-11-12
Posts 608Palm Bay, Florida |
I am not a coffee drinker, but I love the smell of it! This piece put me in the right atmosphere to visualize the scene, to feel the calm serenity of just being. One of those real "happy" moments. I do, though, have to say that the line with Aroma seeping from pores: pores could be replaced with something else. Sorry, I can't offer something myself, but only that one word I found fault in. |
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