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Critical Analysis #1
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The Beckoning
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Beckoning |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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'drink', he said, 'of my words, of me.' his hands, raised, he beckoned my desert, my heart, parched, cracked, into his ocean... where its brine filled my wounds with scorpions stings, and brimstone burns. now he beckons once again, I feel dryness forming at throat's back, tell-tale sign of wanting thirst, though, I am wiser, having heeded pain's messages, gashes grafted, healed, I will not drink of him, though I may, if I so desire, playfully swim within his sea. mia [This message has been edited by miapoetess (edited 11-09-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I'm sending this to the top, as I've gotten no responses, and don't want this to just disappear. If you don't like it, please tell me so, and why, so I don't make the same mistake again. Thanks mia ...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Mia, Sorry to sort of ignore this one. I know it can be frustrating when you post here for help a seemingly get ignored instead. I don't know about the others but I haven't responded because I didn't feel like I understood your intent. But that is, of course, a valid response. Sorry but this one just doesn't do it for me. IMHO it is not one of your best. The metaphors just didn't seem to come together. Maybe they were to divergent or maybe just overdone a bit. Anyway, I never felt like I could identify with this one. For my taste, anyway, you have done much better. Of course, this is all JMHO, so take it for what it's worth. Maybe we can get some others to add their impressions now. Thanks, Pete |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thanks, Pete. I very much appreciate your honesty. I know I often tend to write for myself, without taking the reader into consideration. That'd be OK if I was the only one who was going to read them, but of course I'm not. Thanks again mia |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
mia, I think I've see this character before. It plays a game that cannot be won. It plays with fire! I like this, enjoyed the two sides of this encounter. Didn't ignore this, just now coming in. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I am not speaking of anything other than love (addressing it as "he"), but reading it over, I can see how it might seem as something other than I intended. The first stanza is about what "evil" love can do, and the pain it can cause. The second is about love's temptation, and how pain, though healed, may hold someone back from becoming fully immersed. Isn't it interesting that, though men often give "love" a female gender, when I assigned it a male gender, others had difficulty picking up on it? Your perception is kinda kewl, as PT would say, but not what I intended. Thanks, Yesh, for reading and for offering your views. mia< !signature--> ...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers [This message has been edited by miapoetess (edited 11-10-2000).] |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi mia! good for you bumping your own piece up  to talk of it...i like the alliterative phrases. just one of those me things, but still "sign of wanting thirst" ums, i dont think you can want thirst. i mean, maybe you can, but it seems more like you have thirst, or thirst for something else. ya know ok, so for like 4 times, when i looked at the line "he beckoned my desert" i read "desert, as in pie, icecream" now, i realize that this may be because i have chocolate on the brain, but it is something to think about, maybe you could give a propper name of desert, particularly one of those that isnt hot,(the gobi??) that might work well. or you could always just say to yourself "gracious, i never knew Elyse was such a crackhead" and just ignore me  luv Elyse |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Whether it be he or she, I don't see how this necessarily leads the reader to 'love'. In the abstract, it seems to be it could be any kind of addiction. On that point, I wonder if you might consider adding a few more stanzas to explore the idea of 'play' in love. Does it really work? I'm always looking for some kind of change in the poem (surprise or movement or whatever) and I found this to be not quite finished. Just an opinion, Brad PS It's always okay to pop your own stuff up again if you feel it's been neglected. We all have time constraints and we miss things sometimes. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I forgot to add. I like the stark tone with the images presented (except for heart). The two work well together. Brad |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Elyse, Thanks for voicing your opinion, and as always, I'll consider your suggestions upon rewriting. And yes, you are a little wacko today. Brad, I look forward to your responses, as they seem few and far between, and you always ask questions no one else ever thinks to ask. That, in turn, makes me think more about what I've written. I agree that it does seem a bit unfinished if I read it with the reader's view in mind. I will just explain that to me, saying play within the sea might be someone getting involved with another, but due to previous experience (described in the first stanza), they would be reluctant to allow themselves to admit to fully loving someone again (which would be immersed in love, instead of swimming playfully). I must say that I'm surprised that you didn't see this, as it is more common in males than females. So, I hope you can understand why, in my view, the poem was finished, but I will try my best to look at it more from the reader's angle when I attempt a rewrite. Thank you for your time, questions and suggestions. This is how it would be with a female genderization of love: 'drink', she said, 'of my words, of me.' her hands, raised, she beckoned my desert, my heart, parched, cracked, into her ocean... where its brine filled my wounds with scorpions stings, and brimstone burns, spilling over her shores, her rocky edges. now she beckons once again, I feel dryness forming at throat's back, tell-tale sign of wanting thirst, though, I am wiser, having heeded pain's messages, gashes grafted, healed, I will not drink of her, though I may, if I so desire, playfully swim within her sea. If this was signed by a male writer, do you not think that the concept of "she" being "love" would be easier to grasp? (I also added 2 lines to the end of the first stanza that I had mistakenly omitted.) mia< !signature--> ...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers [This message has been edited by miapoetess (edited 11-11-2000).] |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Hi Mia, I just want you to know that I havent ignored your poem I just havent been able to get here as of late, but finally managed to this mornig I liked your poem, though I think there are too many commas, now I am not sure if where you have them are correct or not, but I am one not to use them often, so what do I know hehe, it is just my opinion hmmm the fulls stops after" into his ocean" I feel that maybe it would be better without them. his hands, raised, he beckoned my desert, my heart how about just, his hands raised, beckoning my desert my heart and where you have, now he beckons once again,Why not leave out the "now"? what do you think? and tell-tale sign what do you think about adding in the letter A at the beginning of the line? I just think it might read more smoothly, hmm but that is just me gashes grafted, healed, here I thought about adding an "and" between " grafted" and "healed" I especially liked the last stanza, to me it displayed power, you're in control and I like that Well Mia, I do apologise for not getting to your posts alot sooner. Like I said I enjoyed this, just the little thngs above I wasnt to sure on Thanks Maree [This message has been edited by Dark Angel (edited 11-11-2000).] |
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dragonpoe Senior Member
since 2000-11-12
Posts 608Palm Bay, Florida |
Hi. I read your poem and some of the responses and will add my own. The first part is really powerful, vivid in imagery and allows me to feel the emotions here. The second part softened out slightly and as I read the end, then your response about using He to address Love, I see the fit of the two parts. Love can wound, can drown the weak, but the strong ones keep swimming, but more carefully, more aware. I enjoyed it. [This message has been edited by dragonpoe (edited 11-13-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Dark Angel, I guess my grammar and punctuation education made such an impression on me that I have difficulty not using commas at pauses, or periods at stops. I have done some work without them, though I find only certain poems seem to work that way for me. Who knows...maybe I'll loosen up. Thanks for reading, and also for your suggestions and praise...always appreciated. Dragonpoe, I don't believe that we have met before. Thank you so much for your kind words, and I'm happy that you enjoyed this...and that you saw the concept. However, I still feel that I did something wrong, as I had to explain before this was realized. I probably shouldn't have been so abstract, as Brad pointed out, and will work on it. I do sincerely love the praise, though (who doesn't), and thank you again...nice to meet you, BTW. mia < !signature--> ...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers [This message has been edited by miapoetess (edited 11-13-2000).] |
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