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The Spell (Revised repost)
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The Spell (Revised repost) |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I originally posted this one about a year ago and have since revised it quite a bit. I could use a little help on it again. The Spell Love is not so sweet when not returned And shared by two, and on that dream's demise It's almost bitter yet - Oh how I've yearned To see that look in your once loving eyes. You cast your magic spell and I was charmed, I lost my head, my heart - I miss you so - It seemed, I dreamed, that little might be harmed By such enchantment . . . Little did I know. Yes, your bewitching charm was sweet and strong, Your look, your touch, your smile I hold so dear, Though gone from me, my thoughts with you belong, To see you, touch you, kiss you, hold you near. For that I'll have another glass of gin, Although that's how this magic did begin. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Pete Rawlings - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, I loved this! Unrequited love is often hard to describe, but you've done an excellent job here. The only thing I'm not sure about is the couplet...does it mean they shared the gin, or he came to be under "the spell" after drinking gin? Very nice English sonnet, Sir Pete, very nice, indeed. mia ...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Thanks Mia, I see your point on the couplet. The implication was clear to me at the time but I see that it may not be to another reader. Perhaps it does require some background buildup. Not sure how I might do that within the 14 lines though. Maybe better to do a whole new couplet. But, on the other hand, it does give you something to wonder about. Thanks for the compliments and the good advice. Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 11-03-2000).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I loved the last couplet (personal bias, I guess). Pete, I sometimes wonder if you're the only writer who can get away with stuff like this. The first few lines make me cringe and yet your commitment to the meter and to the sound of the poem takes me away and before I know it, the poem is 'working' for me. I'm not saying that I recommend this approach, nor am I going to argue that the poem could be stronger with less emotionally laden words and more description. Still, I can't say I did't enjoy reading it because I did. The turn, however, reads particularly realistic to my ear. Nice touch. Just an opinion, Brad |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Thanks Brad, for reading and commenting. In fact, the couplet was the reason I wrote the rest of the sonnet, first time I ever started backwards on one. I understand your comment on the turn and that is just what I wanted it to do. Not sure I know how to interpret your other comments though or how to learn much from them. I sort of get the impression that you came to like the poem but maybe without really knowing why. I mean, I know it is short on the details you so often request. And it is also long on emotionally laden words, as you so aptly put it. And I know you are not usually too fond of either of those quirks. But are you just trying to tell me that in a nice way (if so, what of your ogre persona)? Or is there something else there I just don't see? Well so much for my ramblings at this time  Thanks Pete |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Pete, Just trying to explain what happened in the process of reading. As is well known, I'm not a big fan of general, emotionally laden word poetry, yet as I read this poem, I got a cool feeling in the back of my head. My conclusion is that you caught me with the rhythm. No secret meanings here. It's possible of course that I saw your name and unconsciously tried to be nicer -- I certainly make no claims to be objective. On the other hand, I could just as easily have been harsher (witness some of the things I've said about Trevor or Jim's stuff). All of this just seems part of the game to my mind. When's the next one? Brad |
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Mendy Junior Member
since 2000-11-11
Posts 34 |
Poems as honest as this are the reason I love poems. I am no critic and believe only the author truly knows their poems. The only judgement we have is how a poem makes us feel and reading this I felt good and bad, happy and sad and the last lines 'To see you, touch you, kiss you, hold you near. For that I'll have another glass of gin, Although that's how this magic did begin' brought me back to reality. I loved your poem. [This message has been edited by Mendy (edited 11-11-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Thanks again Brad. Glad I could make you feel a little better. "When's the next one?", you ask. Well, who knows? But maybe not too long Hi Mendy, Glad you enjoyed and thanks for commenting. Seems you're new here and I left you a welcome under you post earlier. No need to explain that you're not a critic. I think everyone in CA is a critic. After all, that's the reason for its existence, you know. Now if you meant, not a professional critic, then I think that also applies to all of us. So join the crowd and have fun learning with everyone here. Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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dragonpoe Senior Member
since 2000-11-12
Posts 608Palm Bay, Florida |
I guess that because I am a hopeless romantic, I loved those first four lines. This piece read soft and whispering, like a moment in memory, where all the sensations of honest feeling open up and just bombard you with vibrations. Enjoyed it. |
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