»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Cold
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Cold |
|
|
Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
Walking home from the station (where I artfully lace skipped discs with dead air) I am viewing my breath, remembering When we would unfurl these vapor coils like the dragons we wished we were. Those were Oatmeal mornings (a warm, thick blooming, lesson in anatomy) where mini-mallow divers bobbed and bathed in lakes with Smurfy banks. The air tastes full of peppermint in fall Promise of cookie making, pumpkin picking (where batter was less baked than worshipped raw where masquerading Jack-O-Lanterns were what we really sought) echoed in the arbor. The oaks wore new-soaked vibrance in their hair bleaches left too long, the tresses tumble, burn the ground. Beyond the clanging of wrought iron we knelt in that crisp fire smoothed headstones onto transfer paper Tonight is pure cut crystal perforated with stars. Their brightness comes from years ago (It takes much time to travel such space) everything was swollen and sweet thick with throbbing potency as if in Autumn, Earth too wraps on her cloak of wrinkles, displaying veins through cellophane skin, to facilitate osmosis of her visceral pulse Dreaming again. On padding feet. (an overnight DJ’s gift) Ok, come on, focus girl. we have to make it home. Forget for now that Autumn closes. Stop concentrating on the cold |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Elyse Wilcock - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
I liked the lines 'The air tastes full of peppermint' and 'The oaks wore new-soaked vibrance in their hair' as well as a lot of the other lines. But overall, this poem doesn't maintain a top-notch consistency throughout, so I can only grad it a B. I enjoyed reading this! |
||
|
Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
ok professor marq, why are you tyring to tank my GPA????  but seriously darlin, can you be a tad more specific than that? how am i meant to improve myself if im given no direction?? luv Elyse |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hey Sweetie, I liked your vibrant images of childhood's Autumn, though I think the subject's wandering mind wander's back a bit too often. Much of it could be of the present. The italics overwhelm the piece, and though it is well-written, would be better, IMHO, if it were a little more balanced. For example, the second stanza could read: "In fall, the oaks wear new-soaked vibrance in their hair bleaches left too long, the tresses tumble, burn the ground, The air tastes full of peppermint." Then you could go into the thoughts from the past. Another suggestion: leave out the portions within the parentheses, they don't add to the work. I think you'd have a more even piece this way, but that may be just my lone opinion... Your phrases are so full of fall's richness, it is difficult to pick a favorite or two, but if I absolutely was forced to do so, I would choose the following: "When we would unfurl these vapor coils like the dragons we wished we were. Those were Oatmeal mornings" Good work here, Elyse. I really enjoyed the read. It took me back to images of jumping in piles of leaves my dad would rake up, and rerake after every jump, piling them high once again. mia ...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers |
||
|
Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Elyse, I really liked this one. It flowed well and I felt a wistful sadness after reading it. I liked the interplay of past and future. As always your biggest fan forrest |
||
|
YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Elyse, the imagery here sounds beautiful, but it is near impossible for me to identify. You see, I have never seen snow, never been this cold, and so, am not familiar. I still enjoyed this though, just the sheer word zestyness of it. |
||
|
Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
mia - so you're not a fan of the itlics? i wasnt sure either. i was looking for a way to separate the rememberings and the present stuff. Originaly i had separate stanzas, but i didnt know. it does wander a bit, i see what you mena, i wll try to tighten up a bit. it might be hard, im kinda married to some to these lines.... forrest - always nice to hear from you hon  when do we get to see your latest verses?Yesh - i have noticed that ever since i moved up here my poems have gotten colder. even though we havent had any snow that stuck (flurries in october tho) it is quite a bit cooler than NC in NY. ah well. and where do you live that it has never been cold enough for you to see your breath? that is craziness!! luv Elyse |
||
|
YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Elyse, I live in Florida. It was about 84 degrees today. Just the way I like it! |
||
|
Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
i live in syrcuse now. 41 today. i hate you |
||
|
tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
Elyse The randomness of the thoughts centered on one thing,the cold,but shied away enough to keep me(the reader)warm. The hop,skip and jumping between warm thoughts and cold reality was a good play with words. I did enjoy this tom |
||
|
dragonpoe Senior Member
since 2000-11-12
Posts 608Palm Bay, Florida |
Hello Elyse, I am brand new here and would like to leave my remarks on your piece. I liked the feel of this, good visualization. I read that you were not sure on the italics, I liked them, for me, it gave the distinction of now and then. With this being a serious critique section, I am braving it to say that I, too thought it wandered a bit too much. Only a little bit I really enjoyed the read [This message has been edited by dragonpoe (edited 11-12-2000).] |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Elyse, Sorry to be so slow in commenting on this one. My fault and no excuse  You really did an excellent job of giving us the real feel of autumn. It is a special time of year (as all are I guess). Unfortunately here in Oklahoma we are often cheated of its beauty. This year it lasted about a week.Well, back to your poem. There were a couple of lines which didn't seem to fit. In the third stanza, quote: Although certainly true, this just seems like an aside which doesn't add anything useful. Then toward the end, quote: I wouldn't credit the DJ here, just plagerize and that next lineseems awkward. It probably belong but the wording just sounds wrong. Sorry but I don't have a constructive suggestion for it though.Overall very enjoyable sweetie. Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
||
|
Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi everyone! sorry its taken so long to get back to y'all, its registration time and everything has been crazy. only three weeks of clss left this smester. AHHH! im bugging out! thanx tom! i dont know if you know this about me, but i always like to generate a little heat in my readers glad i could keep you warm dragonpoe - thanyou darlin, and welcome and never be afraid to tell what you really think - your opinion is just as valid as brad's (shh, dont tell him i said that )pete - yes, you are right bout that part. i shall think about changing or cutting. cuttting more probable tho about that last thing...i meant it is the special skill/gift of an overnight DJ, as the speaker is a DJ. (that's what the dead air thing was about) and, i am shocked, simply shocked you would suggest INnocent little me  pladgiarize anything ! i will not let my virgin eyes be tainted by such wicked suggestions! luv Elyse |
||
|
Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
I agree in with Marq (from his comment way back 10 days ago). I fail to see an overarching idea or theme on the poem (other than "I'm remember how beautiful the fall is" and I think that's a weak idea). If all these memories contributed to something, made you realize something, have an epiphany (aha!), then I think the consistency would go way up. As it is, it's a series of very good descriptive stanzas that are really nothing but that. If they were all inter-related, the poem would be much more memorable to the reader. Does that make any sense? Let me know if it doesn't and maybe I can clarify (or make more confusing comments...*grins*). Also, the wording in the third memory (italics) stanza seems over the top. Too many big words that may sound nice, but don't really do anything for the poem. I read somewhere else that the nouns and verbs are the true meat of the poem. Adjectives and adverbs, especially when overused, detract from the poem. I think that is the problem with the section I'm talking about. Ummm, now some comments related to other people's comments. I think you should keep the italics for memory sections, but you also should divide them into separate stanzas. That way they are marked and they are separated (which makes detecting the transition easier). Finally, I don't think the balance is overweighed. Often, one thought will lead someone into a multitude of memories. I think the current balance of this poem is true to how remembering actually happens. That shoudl be all. This is a nice poem that, with some direction and editing, could be very good. Ryan I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
