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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Untitled (for now) |
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dragonpoe Senior Member
since 2000-11-12
Posts 608Palm Bay, Florida |
Hi, I am new here so be gentle. I wrote this recently and am not sure about it. I feel I dropped off the main road somewhere towards the end. When I read it I think "yea, ok" but not with much enthusiasm. Thoughts, any one? Untitled -I- The shadows there, against the wall Creep ever closer now; The horses in the barn are wild And the pasture clear of cow. -II- The stone begins to weeps its tears Sliding slowly down the grain; Thunder breaks apart the silence And tears mix with the rain. -III- Blood like wine is served tonight Beneath the vicious moon; And I but sit, trying to ignore The urge, the need, the wound. -IV- Castles reign and castles fall the same One night becomes another blur; Time flies upon the raven’s back And I forget the spoken word. -V- Where once solid king’s throne rose Is now the local grocery store; Tongues wag of a time in darkness Calling it the Vampire’s lore. -VII- If only they knew how wrong they are That time only kills what lives And history always repeats and life Is ever fruitful, it always gives. -VIII- I wish it all away, the night with its moon I drown in sorrow older than the brick I want to hide away from the light Within the fog that comes so thick. -IX- Forgive me lady, for I will sin And taste what your god has given with trust Forgive me sister, I must survive Despite this guilt of Blood Lust. Joann Renee' Muszynski 11/10/00 [This message has been edited by dragonpoe (edited 11-13-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Joann Renee' Muszynski - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Dragonpoe, Is it Joann?. Welcome to CA (I see you're pretty new here). But, I caution you, this is no place to expect or find gentleness. Only kidding, of course. This is a very interesting, if somewhat chilling, read. I found it enjoyable but I do have a couple of suggestions. Now before I start you should understand that this is all just one unqualified and uneducated opinion, so take it for what it's worth and no more. First point, rhyming poetry usually works best when the meter is pretty consistent although a few variations can help break the sing-songyness, particularly in a longer piece. For the most part, you have an iambic feel. But there are some lines which break from that without adding anything, in fact, some are a little jarring, like speed bumps. he first one is the last line of the first stanza. quote: Actually this one reads all right but I think it would be better if it remained iambic. While we're on that line, I would also suggest cows instead of cow. I know you can make an argument that cow could be grammatically correct but I also know you really meant cows. That gives the impression you forced the language to make the rhyme. You have used several other near rhymes throughout so cows would be acceptable here as well. So you might consider: And pastures clear of cows. Some other lines I trip over are: quote: Then stanza VII has an anapestic feel and VIII and IX have almost no metric personality until the last line. Okay, I don't think that was too bad even though not quite gentle. And, like I said before, it is JMHO. Overall, I like the poem and think you can make it into something really quite good with just a little editing. Hope to see more from you soon. If you revise this one, please be sure to share it with us again. Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Welcome to CA, Joann, I see you were lucky enough to receive a critique from the very knowledgeable Pete (watch him, though, he's a flirt...  just kidding, he's a sweet guy) . I am a free-verser, and not up on all of the terms used in structured poetry, so I would not have been much help.I can tell you how it read to me, however, and that was very smoothly till the fourth stanza, where you picked up additional syllables. From there on it was a little less flowing, but I still enjoyed reading. Your wording and phrases inspire lots of rich (sometimes a little creepy) images. I know this is your intent , as this is Gothic poetry, am I right? I especially liked the third stanza: "Blood like wine is served tonight Beneath the vicious moon; And I but sit, trying to ignore The urge, the need, the wound" This had imagery, and an intense atmosphere. I could picture a modern vampire sitting, a dim, grey snarling moon in the window, as he battles with himself to control his overwhelming urges. I've not read much at all of this type of poetry, but I did enjoy. mia< !signature--> ...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers [This message has been edited by miapoetess (edited 11-13-2000).] |
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dragonpoe Senior Member
since 2000-11-12
Posts 608Palm Bay, Florida |
Dear Pete and Mia, Thank you for commenting. Pete, you got it! What I couldn't find before I found when I reread this before your comments, it is the meter that I slipped on, I found my self stumbling over those "speed bumps", I am very partial to rhyme, but I write free verse in equal quanity. I am going to have to go back and smooth this out, and I see your point of cow vs. cows, I chose cow to rhyme with now, and it does give it a sing-songy feel, not what I intended. Mia - your picture is exactly what I was hoping the reader to see. I love the Gothic atmosphere and on occassion try to capture it onto paper (or computer screen )I will rework this and repost. Thanks much, Joann [This message has been edited by dragonpoe (edited 11-14-2000).] |
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