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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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FaeryKynn Junior Member
since 2001-07-23
Posts 10Sanatoga, PA, USA |
Thunder crashes and lightning dances We turn and our eyes lock These storms of passion in each our souls Suddenly come alive Our hands entwined and holding fast We run into the rain The playful drops excite the skin as All our senses heighten You pull me oh so close to you And I find in your embrace The deepest yearnings and purest love To ever grace my heart I feel your lips press into mine And on the ground we fall These hands caress and so fuel passion's fire To now become as one We lay in perfect ecstasy The storm has come and gone So now we gaze up into the stars And fall in love again If our fingers touch and hearts collide... I'll be a moonsbreath by your side |
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| © Copyright 2001 emily b. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
I like the line 'Our hands entwined and holding fast'. Welcome to the forum! |
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Janette
since 2001-07-20
Posts 2843Chicagoland for now |
This is a lovely poem. Here are my suggestions: 4th Stanza your words- These hands caress and so fuel passion's fire To now become as one I find the "and so" a little awkward, see how you like it with those two words eliminated. These hands caress fueling passion's fire To now become as one Last Stanza your words: So now we gaze up into the stars And fall in love again Perhaps you might like trying this- So now we gaze up at the stars And fall in love again Thank you for sharing this with us...great read. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kynn, I'm afraid you caught me with very little time but I did want to at least welcome you to the forum. Overall this has a good tone. I think the word inversion in line 2 of stanza 4 sound forced and out of place with the rest of the piece. I particularly liked the last stanza, with the suggestion Janette made. Check you email for a message. Pete |
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**lost** Junior Member
since 2001-07-16
Posts 32ma |
nice. i think though that you should try and stay away from trite phrases. it created a nice image but try and slightly word it different to give it a more personalized feeling rather than one that seems it belongs in a hallmark card. confused among strangers, |
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Voiceless Senior Member
since 2001-02-19
Posts 686Under the stars upon the wind |
Hey, I thought this was good. And I agree with the suggestions made by previous repliers. So just look at the kind of thing and watch for it in future writing. That is all I can say! So Good Job! And I can't wait to read more! ~*Freedom Is Not Free*~ (Korean War Memorial) |
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Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Hi I'd like to join everyone else and welcome you. What I would have said has already been said. I like the tone of your poem. Just a little tweaking is all thats needed. Jeen |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think your flow is pretty good throughout this... I don't think you need the word 'so' in line 3 of stanza 4, because it just makes a bump in the rhythm and it's unnecessary. I also agree that you should work on making the images less general. You say in your critique message that you are new to the poetry thing... I don't know if you mean just writing or also reading it, but I would suggest reading some poetry for ideas on imagery and wordplay... it really helps to find out what you like reading when you're starting to write. You are more than the sum of what you consume |
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
First things first, welcome to PIP. I liked reading this poem. It was very interesting to read. However, I have a few suggestions. You don't have to follow them, remember they are just suggestions. 1) 1st stanza 2nd line change to read: We turn eyes locking 2) 1st stanza 4th line drop the word come 3) 2nd stanza 1st line drop the word and 4) 3rd stanza 1st line drop the words oh so 5) 4th stanza 3rd line change to read: These hands caress to fuel passion's fire 6) 4th stanza 4th line change to read: Now becoming one 7) Last stanza 3rd line drop the word up Remember these are just suggestions that I think would help to give your poem a little more punch. I congratulate you on trying to express your feelings. You have a unique way of describing things to enliven the readers' imagination. P. J. Kotrch |
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FaeryKynn Junior Member
since 2001-07-23
Posts 10Sanatoga, PA, USA |
 thank you all for your critiques and suggestions - i've take them all to heart and i hope my future poems won't sound so "hallmark"  also thanks for the welcome to the Forums i'm having ever so much fun reading all this beautiful poetry by everyone out there hope to hear from you all again soon |
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