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Alone
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Alone |
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa 
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Alone, feeling lost. Alone, feeling unloved. Wondering why I was put on this earth. Wondering what my purpose is. Am I to spend my life scared, sheltered, afraid of my shadow. Alone, feeling lost. Alone, feeling unwanted. Society says that I'm an eccentric young man. Dreaming the impossible, doing the unthinkable. Wanting so much to feel someones touch. A warm hand on my shoulder, a smile coming across your face. Alone, no more. Alone, no longer. Finding someone who understands my tender soul. Reaching desperately for contact, I hope for your hand to grab my soul. Bringing me into your warm embrace, finally feeling love........... P. J. Kotrch |
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| © Copyright 2000 Pat Kotrch - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hailfellow Junior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 28 |
I don't know why, but this poem really hit something in me. I really like it a lot. I suppose I should analyze a bit since this is Critical Analysis. "Dreaming the impossible, doing the unthinkable. Wanting so much to feel someones touch." I like this stanza a lot. The meter and the rhyme in the last two lines really sticks out to me. It is really effective in making the poem flow. They way you stick it in there adds a lot of character. Good job! Well, I'm going to look it over some more before I embarrass myself anymore trying to sound intellectual. Very nice poem, though. Very nice. hailfellow "If life had no sense and I had to choose nonsense, then I too should consider this the most sensible nonsense." ~Nietzsche |
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
thank you for your kind compliments. I hope this poem was okay. I have no set style but every once in a while things just jump out at me and I can't help but write forever. P. J. Kotrch carpe diem A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love |
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Kirsty24 Junior Member
since 2000-03-24
Posts 40Australia |
This would have to be one of the most touching poems that I have read in this forum yet  . It brings out many emotions that I guess we all try to hide  I hope you continue to write. *sends you a big hug* |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
epoet-- lovely sentiments expressed here, for sure. i can't help thinking, though, that your poem might be more effective if you stayed away from cliches and included some interesting imagery. love poems are extremely hard to write. as it is here, you are, on the one hand, telling the reader flat out how you feel, leaving little to capture the reader's imagination (for example, "Alone,/ feeling lost./ Alone,/ feeling unloved"); on the other hand, you are also being too vague ("I hope for your hand / to grab my soul"...what does this mean, really???). why does the speaker feel so alone? can you tell us without breaking into song ("to dream, the impossible dream...")? who is this other person, who works so much magic with a smile and a warm hand? what is it that is so special about this person? all we really know about her, or him, is that she or he has good blood circulation and has smiled on at least one occasion, lol. ok, i'm exaggerating here for effect, lol, but how does the touch and the smile equate to understanding the speaker's soul? (and what does THAT really mean, anyway?) i hate to throw out that old maxim "show, don't tell", but i guess that's what this boils down to. what you have here is fine, everyone can relate to it, i think, and that's good; as for your beloved, i'm sure she or he would think this was great. with some interesting imagery to grab the reader's attention and imagination, though, this could be much better. do you feel like the sycamore in winter, that "knows not what birds have vanished one by one, yet knows its boughs more silent than before"? is your beloved the sweet jelly of your wednesday morning life? is her hair the copper color of hummingbirds? does she make you feel like water cascading into the thinnest of iron pans? images and description like this (used judiciously, of course) can bring a poem to life. ok, i'll shut up now, lol. thanks for sharing this piece with us. jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 05-24-2000).] |
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
thank you kirsty and jenni. in response to you jenni I say thank you for the rough criticism. you are right maybe i should have explained a little more, but i thought it might ruin my point that my life is complete now that i have discovered love. P. J. Kotrch carpe diem A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love |
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redwinggj New Member
since 2001-07-22
Posts 4Wyandotte, MI |
This work brought tears to my eyes, it spoke to me. I feel the same way, but I know there is still hope, for all of us! |
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Janette
since 2001-07-20
Posts 2843Chicagoland for now |
I love this poem!!! The opening is excellent, it foretells the theme of this poem. Here are my few suggestions... 2nd Stanza: Your writing- "Wondering what my purpose is" My suggestion- "Wondering what is my purpose" This puts the focus more on the word "purpose" rather than "is". 3rd Stanza: Punctuation...did you mean to end this one with a period? Perhaps a "question mark" would serve you better? 5th Stanza: The words...I'm versus I am The use of I'm is rather "slang like" and this poem is not written in that way. Plus I think using "I am" has more power to it. Like this: Society says that I am an eccentric young man I just prefer it this way, plus it puts the total description of the "man" all on one line, but your way is acceptible, too. I love love love this line: I "hope" for your hand to grab my soul. Using the word "hope" goes perfectly with the style of this poem. "Hope" goes right along with the other words that you used: wondering, feeling, dreaming. And the "grab my soul" was lovely...made me sigh. Thank you for sharing this with us...your words spoke to me. Janette PS- are you by any chance a Pisces? |
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
Redwinggj and janette, thank you for your compliments. I was trying to create a mood of somber reflectiveness on finding my one true love. Janette your suggestions are being considered as well as some that Jenni gave me. Hope to post a revision soon. No I'm not a Pisces, I'm a Libra. P. J. Kotrch carpe diem A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love [This message has been edited by epoet (edited 07-25-2001).] |
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