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Critical Analysis #1
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The atrocity of flesh
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The atrocity of flesh |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland 
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Oh desire, she burns upon my brow A wild candle enticing in her seductive sway scalding my eyes and hooking me with frivolous deceit. She is a piece of flesh flashing fanatic in twilight my hands flutter as butterfly wings across her face, "what dreams may I steal from you?" her only song, only one I want to hear. And she is hauling me, a slab of pleasure, on parade, fertile flowers to kiss, placed to rest upon welcoming pillow breast. My head is spinning wild they toss and throw my naked hide twisting towards the ceiling is bare skin as the floor is open mouths chained in rings of starved loins. The least caress leaves its mark, A kiss becomes an open flesh lesion a watering hole for them to lap and bathe in blood, their wine now my wound, often was drained from below their thighs. I am but a statute a hive this open nerve I detest. A strange mouth envelops vomiting a bile whiskey then: I am drunk and falsities do not concern me. I care not for the lies of plasticity chained to her bodice, to drown in her crevasse. A feast is laid; I again am the main course, a chain strains the nerve breaks and the cistern uncoils I erupt a deluge of humanity a populous sprayed upon these wild creatures. They feast, then hibernate in the recesses of memory. I am alone be accountable for this shared atrocity. The celebration ends and again everything is meaningless. "an afixiation a fix on anything the line of life the limb of a tree the hands of he and the promise that s/he is blessed among women". Patti Smith |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
I hope no body minds me bumping this up... would really appreciate some feed back. thanks.  "an afixiation a fix on anything the line of life the limb of a tree the hands of he and the promise that s/he is blessed among women". Patti Smith |
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Elizabeth Cor Senior Member
since 2000-10-13
Posts 879Over the river and through the woods |
Okay, Brain, time for the cruelty… heh heh heh … This is going to be a loong one. “Oh, desire”… rarely does “Oh” truly work in a poem ( I am SOO guilty of over using this word), and this is no exception. A wild candle enticing… is this a description of the candle? If not, this is the wrong form of enticing. I would rewrite these sentences: A wild candle enticing in her seductive sway scalding my eyes and hooking me with frivolous deceit. The thought is jumbled, and I’m not too crazy about “hooking” Notice the difference in how these revisions read: Her seductive sway a wild candle, it scalds my eyes, and possesses me with frivolous deceit. Or A wild candle caught in her seductive sway entices, scalds my eyes. Her flame snares me with frivolous deceit. “She is a piece of” piece of flesh doesn’t work with this line… what about simply “She is flesh flashing fanatic?” “flesh flashing fanatic” I love it! If anyone complains about alliteration, you might want to try different forms of “fanatic” and/or flashing. “in twilight my hands flutter as butterfly wings across her face, "what dreams may I steal from you?"” Excellent. “her only song, only one I want to hear. “ This doesn’t read as well as it should. What about: “Her only song, the sole sound I crave”? “And she is hauling me, a slab of pleasure,” A slab of pleasure… I’m sorry but the only image that springs to mind is a slab of beef lol… What about ‘a slice of pleasure’? Or is that too thin for the image you had in mind? “on parade, fertile flowers to kiss,” This is a little conventional… flowers, parades, etc. But it doesn’t “take away” from the verse so-to-speak, so the lines can fly as is, if you choose. “placed to rest upon welcoming pillow breast.” Lovely. “My head is spinning wild they toss and throw my naked hide” Body might even work better than hide…this is mainly another word association problem for me. But the rhythm seems a bit off as well. twisting towards the ceiling is bare skin as the floor is open mouths chained in rings of starved loins. Interesting form here. The next stanzas I’m just going to edit straight through… The least caress bares a mark. A kiss becomes an open lesion, a watering hole for them to lap up, to bathe in blood: their wine. My wound was often drained from below their thighs. I am but a statute, a hive I despise this open nerve. A strange mouth envelops, vomiting a bile whiskey then: I am drunk and falsities do not concern me. I care not for the lies of plasticity, chained to her bodice. I care not to drown in her crevasse. A feast is laid; Once again, I am the main course, a chain strains, the nerve breaks, and the cistern uncoils. I erupt a deluge of humanity: a populous sprayed upon these wild creatures. They feed, then hibernate in the recesses of memory. I alone am accountable for this shared atrocity. The celebration ends and once more everything is meaningless. Keep in mind I don’t expect you to use my examples… Chances are you’ll come up with much better lines, I just wanted to offer a few material ideas.  I think that more could be done here, but I’ll let the others pick at this before I rewrite the whole darn thing  .One more thing: Please don’t take my many alterations as an insult: I’m very, very picky! I select even the slightest lines that don’t strike me as “perfect”. I really enjoyed this piece.  ~ Beth [This message has been edited by Elizabeth Cor (edited 11-02-2000).] |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Well here is the new verse.... thanks to Beth for the suggestions and comments. The atrocity of flesh Oh desire burns upon my brow A wild candle enticing in her seductive sway scalding my eyes entrances with frivolous deceit. She is flesh flashing fanatic in twilight my hands flutter as butterfly wings across her face, "what dreams may I steal from you?" her only song, only one I want to hear. And she is hauling me with fuchsia kisses placed to rest upon welcoming pillow breast. My head is spinning wild they toss and throw me naked twisting towards the ceiling of bare skin as the floor is open mouths chained in rings of starved loins. The least caress births a mark. A kiss becomes an open lesion a watering hole for them to lap and bathe in blood: their wine My wound was often drained from below their thighs. I am but a statute, a hive this open nerve I detest. A strange mouth envelops vomiting a bile whiskey then: I am drunk and falsities do not concern me. I care not for the lies of plasticity chained to her bodice drowning in her crevasse. A feast is laid; Once again, I am the main course, a chain strains, the nerve breaks and the cistern uncoils I erupt a deluge of humanity a populous sprayed upon these wild creatures. They feast, then hibernate in the recesses of memory. I am alone be accountable for this shared atrocity. The celebration ends and again everything is meaningless. "an afixiation a fix on anything the line of life the limb of a tree the hands of he and the promise that s/he is blessed among women". Patti Smith [This message has been edited by brian madden (edited 11-03-2000).] |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Brian I really enjoyed your poem I also read Elizabeth's crit and yes I agree with her, except for one part....which was ... A slab of pleasure… I’m sorry but the only image that springs to mind is a slab of beef lol… What about ‘a slice of pleasure’? yeah I agree that "slab" can give an image of beef or concrete even, but I think " a slice of pleasure" maybe too cliched, jus like " a wave of pleasure" so I tend to lean toward, " a slab of pleasure" tried to think of some myself but no luck Oh I do like the revised poem much more You've used strong images Brian enjoyed the read Excellent writing! Thanks Maree "If my words could blanket the skies and fill every corner and crevice of this earth, still this won't be enough" "Maree Russo" |
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