amused by small things (important things)

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Ryan
Member

since 1999-06-10

Posts 297
Kansas

0 posted 2000-10-15 10:01 PM

amused by small things (important things)

there is a hat
on my head
but it's still sitting
across the room
on top of the television
and i don't know
what to do about that.

have you ever not felt
the cool autumn wind in
your hair so that nothing
flows through it and
it is limp and motionless,
and it cannot experience
the moment?

in the moment,
the wind will blow
and the sun will shine
and a few other things
will happen that might
catch your attention
and then you'll take a
breath

(frisbee arcing with
moon in tow; Pegasus hunts
for a breeze tonight)

that pulls
everything together like
a string keeping
a picture in one piece

i'm not going to wear
my hat today because then
i would really be wearing
it and wouldn't that be
like giving in to something
that's out to get you?
Maybe just a little?
I think so.
At least a little.

[This message has been edited by Ryan (edited 10-15-2000).]

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2000-10-16 10:50 PM

Ryan, I've always had a tendency to like your phrasing but some of this moves from ambiguity to contradiction (with no attempt at resolution). Let's go with it:

there is a hat
on my head
but it's still sitting
across the room
on top of the television
and i don't know
what to do about that.

--Interesting beginning and a lot of potential but you never tap that potential.

have you ever not felt
the cool autumn wind in

--Of course I have. I've 'not felt' the autumn wind when I'm inside.

your hair so that nothing
flows through it and
it is limp and motionless,
and it cannot experience
the moment?

--Was this just a typo or are you actually trying to finish this sentence structure? Again, I see a fantastic set up here -- you feel the hat on your head but you see the hat on the TV. I thought you were going to do that but instead you talk about numbness. Why?

in the moment,
the wind will blow
and the sun will shine
and a few other things
will happen that might
catch your attention
and then you'll take a
breath

--You're talking about the moment, not letting me experience the moment. I KNOW you can do better than this, Ryan.

(frisbee arcing with
moon in tow; Pegasus hunts
for a breeze tonight)

--This kind of works, It's a nice contrast to the vagueness above.

that pulls
everything together like
a string keeping
a picture in one piece

--What is it that pulls? Again, I almost think I see what you are doing but it's almost like you don't care what's happening here.

i'm not going to wear
my hat today because then
i would really be wearing
it and wouldn't that be
like giving in to something
that's out to get you?
Maybe just a little?
I think so.
At least a little.

--The ending's okay but I really think you need to clean up the the beginning and the middle if only so that this reader isn't so infuriated by the contradictions.

Just an opinion,
Brad

PS I'm only rough here because I know you can take it.

Ryan
Member

since 1999-06-10

Posts 297
Kansas

2 posted 2000-11-03 12:35 PM

"have you ever not felt
the cool autumn wind in

--Of course I have. I've 'not felt' the autumn wind when I'm inside."

Lol. Not at all what I meant there. I'll have to clarify that. I think the problem you have right here is the same problem that runs throughout the whole of this poem. There is a clarity issue and some awkward structuring. Especially where the haiku is interjected in the middle of the sentance (which strikes me now as not a good idea b/c it could cause readers to interpret the two parts of the sentance it interrupts as two separate sentances...that looks like what you did from your comment). I'm finally getting around to thinking about reworking this one. I'm so very bad at getting back to poems. But that feeling keeps coming back (the feeling that the hat is on my head, but it's really over on the tv) so I'm being called back to it. Oooo, mysticysm. Scary. *grins* Thanks for the comments Brad.

I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.
—Jack Kerouac

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