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By Candlelight.
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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By Candlelight. |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
He was my first love. So big, so strong, so kind; his smile lit up my life whenever he strode in. He would encourage me, "Don't let anyone tell you what you can and cannot be!" he'd bellow. Then he'd ask me about the girls. "I know you're the ladies man," he'd say, with a, wink, wink. I'd smile sheepishly, give him a few names, shoot the breeze a little; talking about how this one did this, and that one said such and such. But his name was always on the tip of my tongue, for reasons I wasn't yet clear on, I always held back. I loved those times we'd stroll in the park! He'd hold my hand, just him and I. Those times were the best. The one time I saw him lose his temper, was when my brother called me faggot. His shout was so loud, I thought the roof would cave in, he made him apologize to me. Later that night when he tucked me in, I asked him what a faggot was. "Son," he said, "that's a word you'll never have to worry about." He left, and he never came back. Now I light a candle for him every night, and I cry. Because I never told him, never. |
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| © Copyright 2000 YeshuJah Malikk - All Rights Reserved | |||
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kid D Member
since 2000-10-18
Posts 64 |
wow, the subjects you approach and the depth of the way you handle them is great  this piece is really good, the only suggestion i have is in the second verse... the first and last lines are repetitive, i would change it to He would encourage me, bellowing "Don't let anyone tell you what you can and cannot be!" only took out one "he'd" but i think it reads better like your writing a lot |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Yesh, This, again, is a powerful poem, and demonstrates so well the "politics" that go on in almost every relationship...even between a father and child. These are usually generational, unless, like this shows, a person can identify the void. Then change is possible. The labels stand out in this one, as well as your last. They'll most likely always be there, but what will change is the way we see them. I agree with kid D on her advice about that stanza, and I think that in this stanza: "The one time I saw him lose his temper, was when my brother called me faggot. His shout was so loud, I thought the roof would cave in, he made him apologize to me." you should drop the "was" in the third line, or put a semi-colon between the first phrase and the second. Minor stuff. As a whole the poem is very well-written. I, too, enjoy your work a lot. mia |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi yehsujah. i like the parts of this best where you dont spell anything out. like the ending. very good. but, and this is dipping into personal preference again i fear, lines such asThose times were the best. "Don't let anyone tell you what you can and cannot be!" are so...heavy handed maybe. i think, especialy for something soft and sensitive, you should try, to be more implicit, like you are in your final stanza. so there are two pennies ill never get back  luv Elyse [This message has been edited by Elyse (edited 10-27-2000).] |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Mia and Kid-d, thanks for reading and commenting. I think the change you both suggest is good. I'll re-arange. Elyse, thanks for reading and commenting. I hear you loud and clear. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Powerfully done. You play the reader well; I found myself going, "Wait, he means, oh, no, oh, yeah, now what?" The final ambiguity (which isn't really all that ambiguous) resonates. Heavy handed? Perhaps but it's nice to see people venturing (at least in these forums) into uncharted territory. Ever read Samuel Delaney? Thanks, Brad |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Brad, you do wonders for a fella's will to write. Thanks for the read and comment. You saw the lines of this poem well, and no, I have not read Delaney. I guess I'll check on his works. Thanks again. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
quote: brad said it perfectly yesh - it had precisely the same effect on me, so much so that (uncharacteristically ..lol ) i decided to delay replying till others had - coward aren't i .....lol..you really do write some good stuff y'know thanks philip |
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