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Leaving the Snow
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Leaving the Snow |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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that night, a gentle snow covered our world, an intricately spun coat of warmth, of protection from icy air while we sat, arms around our legs, chins on our knees, looking deeply into a fire full of spit and crackle. catching up, we were, (we hadn't seen each other for months) you'd been in Florida, caring for your mother, while I, stuck in neutral,(same old job, same old life) was bored to death without you. we talked girltalk for hours, men, other women, fashion, hair... then you told me that you were moving to Florida, very soon, that you liked it there. I cried a bit, and you hugged me, I could visit, you would visit, you said, we'd stay in touch... you'd been my best friend since junior high, how was I supposed to live without you? childishly, I felt angry...how could you leave me? I dug way down deep into my adult pockets, and produced a "hope you're really happy". you readied to go, and I found a smile and a hug was in there too, we said we'd get together soon, (before you left the snow) then you trudged down the walk to your car, I waved good-bye, shut the door, then turned my back against it, sliding down until I sat on the cold tiles. [This message has been edited by miapoetess (edited 10-20-2000).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
welcome to CA! I enjoyed this. Your voice is strong and except for a few things here and there, I thought you managed the (extremely difficult) moments of self reflection. It's far too easy to fall into the trap of overdoing that, you know. I'd consider deleting a few lines though: but, thankfully, I said nothing in that vein, and cried till there were no more tears. I don't think these are really necessary. One part I particularly liked was then you told me that you were moving to Florida, very soon, that you liked it there. It creates a sense of temporal displacement (sounds like a Star Trek term, doesn't it?) that had me reeling. I like reeling. I hope such an effect was intended. Just an opinion, Brad |
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kid D Member
since 2000-10-18
Posts 64 |
i agree with brad on the lines, when doing my poetry, i usually go through a couple of times looking for words and lines that could be taken out and leave the meaning just as clear... the two lines i like the best were instead, I dug way down deep into my adult pockets, and produced a "hope you're really happy". that describes that feeling so well... this is good, maybe just a bit of reworking, but i liked the feeling it gave, almost like I was sitting by the fire too |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thank-you, Brad and Kid D for your review and your help. I do agree with you both that the "said nothing" line is superfluous. However, the other line, I feel, is very important as it demonstrates the depth of the hurt that had to be held back until the friend left. mia |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
"that night, a gentle snow covered our world, an intricately spun coat of warmth, of protection from icy air while we sat, arms around our legs, chins on our knees, looking deeply into a fire full of spit and crackle" Mia ... i really loved the opening stanza, and Brad is right you have a strong and distinctive "voice" slightly reminiscent of an english writer (simon armitage) whom i admire. I'm with brad also on the removal of the final line, it's sorta verging on cliche, but i think you do need to replace it, ending with "shut the door" seems to abrupt and the poem loses something i think in that a little too much is left to the reader's imagination as to what happens after the door closes. we need at least a hint of the degree of loss the speaker feels, but maybe not in such an overt way. anyway Mia i thought that this was one of the stronger first posts I've seen in Passions - thanks very much for sharing, and also thank you for making the effort to reply to other poems - doing that is an essential contribution as well ... oops ....lol..i nearly forgot ..."welcome to CA" ! philip PS another oops .... i'm sorry i failed to read your response to brad first time round and now see that you are effectively making the same point i just made ...lol..... i think you are right, but i still think the final line could be less overt, more original and a more powerful closure as a result [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 10-20-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thank you, Poertree, for your reply. Sorry, but when I see that nickname, all I can think of is singing - "a partridge in a poertree" LOL. Since the consensus is now three to one, I suppose I will have to concede to changing the last line. I do think it is necessary, however. Thanks for the welcome. mia |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
and i love you too Mia .....heh heh .....  actually i hate the flippin' name and will definitely change it one day - and come to think of it i always wondered why i hated it so much but now you mention the 12 days of christmas thingy i'm sure that must be subconciously the reason!! anyway my real name is philip and the sooner you start calling me that the better .....lol....and btw in case you don't already know philip has just one "L" .... nice to meet you  see ya p |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
love me? Well, Mr. Philip with 1L, I sincerely doubt that, since we don't even know each other. I do assuredly thank-you for the kind welcome, however. Did I get ya? Only joking, of course. I did know what you meant. You just seem very personable, and I thought I'd play a little. Oh, and I don't think it's wise to use a little p as representation of yourself. Anyone ever call you Phil? mia |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I tried once. He got rather upset. Started doing things with my name (reminded me of my mother actually). Stick with what he asks if you ask me. Brad |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
LOL......yes you did “get” me (grrrrrrrrrrr)........only coz i didn’t know you though and i always assume the worst..LOL ......plus being english i never know whether you lot over there will understand my arcane expressions “Personable” ........rotflmao ........ ok so you have a great sense of humour (not humor btw) ok .... “phil” is marginally worse than “phillip” and if you call me that again i shall place you in the same category as that there christopher ward ......and believe me you don’t want that, brad is right ... like he mostly is of course ..... (i never called him "bradley" though!)P .... (big P ok for you?) |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Well, it seems like I haven't made a very good first impression here. Philip with one L, you have every right to ask to be called whatever you wish, and sign as you wish. Of course, that doesn't mean there won't be the occasional stray who may call you what they wish. I will be polite, and address you as Philip with one L, OK? Shake on it? mia P.S. What do you (and Brad and kid D) think of the change in the poem, since we're supposed to be talking about poetry here. [This message has been edited by miapoetess (edited 10-22-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
"Well, it seems like I haven't made a very good first impression here" whoaaaaaaaaaaa ......lol......mia ...quite the reverse - an excellent first impression - seriously. don't mind me, it's my silly english idea of what's funny, just ask anyone here!! mia, i for one am very impressed by your talent and also by your attitude and sense of humour ~smile~ ...i'll try get back to the poem later tonight.....peace Philip |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
mia darling, you thought we talked about peotry in here??? hahahahahaha! once we get distracted (which is oh so easy to do) we just run with it. but since you asked so politely... i can make no comments about how this compares to the previous ending, but i liked it very well. its implicit and soft, just the kind i like but i would be careful, while i think its very interesting as it is, there might be some implications in "turn my back" that you didnt mean. or else you did and i am insulting you for which i apologize  but i did want to mention it.also, take "before you left the snow" out of parenthesis, and give it its own line. i really happen to like it and its just my opinion that parenthesis dismiss it somehow. and dont worry about philip. if you promise to bake him brownies, you can put as many Ls in there as you please, isnt that right phillllllip dahling? I say welcome as well, watch out, or you'll get addicted to us wierdos luv Elyse ps, philip, dont you dare yell at me for misspelling parenthesis, i dont know how to spell it and thats just all so there brownie? [This message has been edited by Elyse (edited 10-22-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Lol...hi Elyse ..... thanks sooooooooo much for filling Mia in on my insanity ...... doesn’t help not to know what “brownies” are though! .....and btw what the heck are they doing to you down there? - all this dahhhlin’ stuff sounds horribly ...well...er ....suthern if ya know what i mean... hey and Mia i think you are heading in the right direction with the last line ...i like it better but i still think you can think of something better still ... i shall have a try as well .. i agree with Elyse about the parenthesis though...Oh one last thing Elyse ......you are definitely related to jenni, she sometimes spells weirdo with the “e” and the “i” the wrong way round like you just did ......rotflmao  night night philip |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Elyse, nice to meet ya. You make this sound like a fun place to be. I'm a little eccentric, so it sounds like I will fit in nicely. LOL I am a disaster in the kitchen, so could I just buy some brownies to give to Philip with one L? Thanks, Elyse. mia Philip with one L, So what do I have to buy? mia |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
I dug way down deep into my adult pockets, and produced a "hope you're really happy". Start with the good stuff I think - I really like the symbolism of this - the representation that even as "adults" sometimes we still wear our kids face and have to "dig" for the adult mannerisms. (interesting idea then - are we adults naturally, or is it a cultivated affectation?) Welcome Mia - and I must say, I applaud the bravery which caused you to post here first! I did have a couple of thoughts, mostly spun off the lines above - as... unique, as they are, it kind of caused a disappointment with the rest of the poem... as in I think you could have dug a little deeper into your poetic pockets and crunched out a couple of cliched or unecessary lines. (one of my biggest faults...) while I, stuck in neutral,(same old job, same old life) I think here - if you take out the part in the parentheses, not only will you still be getting the whole point across, but you will also possibly add to the poignancy of the following lines by a: not interrupting the flow with a paused thought, and b: make it more "powerful" by using an inclusive, non-standard phrase! we talked girltalk for hours, men, other women, fashion, hair... this here - kinda cliched don't you think? I know it's the "truth" - but... I don't know - seems a bit out of place, kind of not needed - or maybe spiced up a bit... just a thought... Oh - another I really liked - while we sat, arms around our legs, chins on our knees, looking deeply into a fire full of spit and crackle. I SAW this - very good imagery and clever word usage at the end. All in all - I really liked this, I think it's poignancy is something anyone can connect to - even if they hadn't been in the same situation ... well done, extremely so for a first post! I definitely look forward to reading more! Please remember these are all opinions!  Now Phiip (no "L") - using my name in a venue where you probably don't think I venture often is wholly unfair, unkind, dirty and... well... smart!  I have to commend you on that... even if you don't know what a brownie is you simpering, egotistical, wish-you-knew-what-humor (no "U") was, low-down, rotten scoundrel of a brit! [edit - grrr semi-colons before a tag just don't work!] [This message has been edited by Christopher (edited 10-23-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
" I have to commend you on that... even if you don't know what a brownie is you simpering, egotistical, wish-you-knew-what-humor (no "U") was, low-down, rotten scoundrel of a brit!" see Mia .. this is what i have to put up with ... now you know why i've developed this tough impenetrable introverted attitude - and all because i gave him a little exposure in a forum which he NEVER frequents............ tsssskkkk ... and this is the thanks i get  P (nice crit though chris, good to see ya here......... at last ......lol) |
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kid D Member
since 2000-10-18
Posts 64 |
well gotta post thanks....for my monday morning smiles and yep i know its tuesday *g* but i was sick yesterday so it seems like monday mia, i still think the ending could be more powerful, i will think today and see if i can be of more help |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thanks kid D, Waddya think of this as a last line: "I felt utterly and completely alone."? mia |
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kid D Member
since 2000-10-18
Posts 64 |
well, ok, but not perfect...just a quick thought...but how about this..starting from I waved.... I waved and shut the door quick so you wouldn't see my goodbye cry i know that's not perfect either, but it lets the tears into the poem without actually saying i sat down and cried... |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
nah ...stick with the "tiles" for the time being it's better than the last two suggestions IMHO ... P |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Mia: If I remember correctly, I am the guilty party who started the "Bradley" thing. I don't recommend that you pick it up (Brad can be a little moody when you start messing with his name). I like this poem a great deal. It illustrates the conflicting feelings/thoughts of such a situation very well. I liked how you paralleled the feelings with the environment (for example ... when all was well -- the speaker reunited with a best friend -- all was warm and bright ... but after the speaker's friend left, she was left alone, sitting on the "cold tiles"). You do a good job of putting a complicated situation to words and, as Brad mentioned, your voice is strong. I too like "reeling" and I must say the poem had a similar effect on me. Thanks for posting and welcome to CA. Sorry for the delayed response. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 10-25-2000).] |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Mia, this is very well done. I wouldn't change a thing. Have to agree with other post: this is extremely difficult to do, without overdoing. Good stuff. I'm in Florida, hope you visit your friend. If you do, come in October. Best time of the year here. Looking for more of your stuff. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
jbouder, I do appreciate your kindness and praise, but I'm not quite sure I understand the "reeling". I know Brad said the same thing, but I let it slide by me. Now when you've both said the same thing, I guess I'd really like to know what you mean by it. Thanks again, though for your encouraging and positive words. (Hey, do you know what these brownies are Elyse and Philip with oneL are talking about?) mia Yesh...alright to call you that? Thank you also for the thumbs up...much appreciated. Now that I've got the car thing figured out, I sure would like to know about these brownies. LOL mia [This message has been edited by miapoetess (edited 10-26-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
hi mia - i still quite like "cold tiles" anyway i also like butting in on a reply by jim ..lol .. and btw to save him the trouble of telling you, he gets kinda tetchy if you call him "j bouder" (we're all kinda tetchy about names round here it seems .... )he's a kind of laid back john boy walton type - prefers just plain ole "jim" ....... as for the "reeling" bit. webster defines reeling as: "to behave in a violent or disorderly manner " really doesn't sound much like our peaceable moderators, nah .........or "to walk or move unsteadily" well... yeah .. brad after his malts, or jim after a couple of (sorry one) beer(s), but not really apposite in this instance .....or "to be in a whirl" YAY .... i guess they were so bowled over by your work, specifically the time displacement thingy, that you "knocked them for six" as we english cricketers say ... Are you any the wiser? ....lol as for the “brownies” .... I’m as mystified as you Mia ... this is some dreadful prepacked foodstuff no doubt that you lot over there partake of ...no? Lets see if good ole webster can be of assistance......ho hum: er....... “A legendary good natured elf that performs helpful services at night” .....ahem ...somehow i think that’s stretching it even for Elyse, next ..... “A member of a program of Girl Scouts for girls in first through third grades .....” .......geez .... I’m meant to eat these things, right?? ..... Elyse !!!!  gawd i don’t dare look any further ... i guess this college she's now attending has done somethin’ to her .... Elucidate please Elyse later P |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
philip, i am shocked, simply shocked that you forgot about the brownie thing. i mean after that sting of *ahem* food posts that followed....and you cant tell me that y'all dont have brownies over there! you poor deprived people if tis true!  if, dear mia, you would like to read the poem which started the brownies thing, it is Holiday Party, 2 pm. its by me, so i hate to shamelessly self promote....but that really doesnt appear to be stopping me. hope you're prepared for your answer  luv Elyse ps, i choose not to adress philip and his dirty dirty mind, i am shocked, simply shocked again at him! (although, that was pretty filthy there...)[This message has been edited by Elyse (edited 10-26-2000).] |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
*making clearing throat noises* Mia? I see who counts here - reply to Jim, Kid D, Yesh, and heck, even Phiip! But not me??? And you were making a complaint on mine!  ~pout~quote: ROFLMAO!!!!!! Gonna let him get 'way with that John-Boy??? bwhahhahahahahaha |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Mia: By "reeling", I meant the poem did more than describe the speakers feeling of loss ... the words actually evoked a similar emotion in me as the emotion experienced by the speaker. The sense of abandonment, anger at the friend, and anger at self touched a nerve. I take no offense at the "John-Boy" thing, btw. I don't think I fit the bill, exactly, but I have nothing against John-Boy Walton. Regardless, you can call me Jim. Christopher & Philip: Be good. Jim |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Philip with one L and Elyse, I'll definitely look into the brownie thing when I have time. mia Christopher, The handsome guy with the sleeveless T-shirt, right? Oh my gawd, how could I have forgotten the...uh...exhibitionist? I was just overwhelmed by the replies, perhaps. I sincerely apologize, ask your forgiveness, and thank you for your kind words, and your advice. In your thread, I complained because you conceded to Brad that he was right about the language, and I had said the same thing previously, but you couldn't, or wouldn't, admit that I was possibly right. *Pout* That said, would you pleeease put a shirt on before you post your next poem???? mia Jim, I understand now, thanks. It seems amazing to me that I could do that. Others poems have sometimes had that effect on me, but I never would've thought one of mine could have that effect. Thank you so very much, and Brad, too. One more question, then I will quit being so nosy...why John Boy Walton? mia [This message has been edited by miapoetess (edited 10-27-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
chris now my turn to ~pout~ hummphhh, just why all the hilarity at John-Boy? sheeshh i mean i used to wear braces just like his? the ever so shocked elyse yeah yeah you "shocked" .. if ya don't watch it i shall refer Mia to more of your early poems...lol ........ and of COURSE i remember the brownies ..lol how could i forget.. mia that has to be one of the funniest responses i've ever seen to the egotistical Mr Ward - if you get him to put his shirt back on, you will be my heroine for ever YAYP [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 10-27-2000).] |
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kid D Member
since 2000-10-18
Posts 64 |
you guys are hilarious rofl thanks for the smiles and i do like the "cold tiles" ending too, but its just not quite right....maybe just one more rewording, with the same idea...how about it mia? after all the chit chat are you up for one more edit? *s* |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
kid D, Of course... "you readied to go, and I found a smile, a hug was in there too, we said we'd get together soon (before you left the snow), then you trudged down the walk to your car, I waved good-bye, watched you drive away, hot tears welling in my eyes as I shut the door, turned, and slid down until I met the cold of the tiles. mia [This message has been edited by miapoetess (edited 10-28-2000).] |
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kid D Member
since 2000-10-18
Posts 64 |
mia i like that the best...i had liked it before too, except for the verb 'sat' in the last line, for some reason it distracts me when i read it...lol..i know its probably only me but how about 'met' as in..................and slid down until I met the cold tile. or.....................and slid down until I met the cold of the tiles. or.....................and slid down meeting the cold of the tiles. well just another thought |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Mia, Sorry I'm so late getting in here but it seems that you already got lots of responses so probably didn't miss mine Well, I agree that you have generated so much interest because your story is so worthy.I won't try to critique since you already have much advice. But I will join the crowd who feel a little let down by the last line. I too think it needs to be there but with different wording. Sorry but I don't have any suggestions  Well, hope to see more from you soon.Thanks, Pete Oops, forgot to add my "Welcome to CA" to so many others. [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 10-27-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
kid D, Thanks so much for your continued help. I very much like the word "met" instead of "sat", and have edited the above post in that manner. I think I'm happy with the ending now. Thanks again, mia Not a Poet, I just commented on your very well-written and extremely funny poem. I introduced myself there, too, but will again. Very pleased to meet you, sir, and I hope to see more of your work. Thank you for your kind comments here. mia |
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