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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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If... |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
If I walked the streets at night, decked in a tank top tight, a fish net stocking and a mini skirt so short you could see the crack in my ass as I lowered my well endowed-ness through the open window of a client's car; whispering promises of fellatio incognito, golden showers, before and after and maybe, maybe, a little S&M for the right price, you might call me names. Anyway, I used to be a housewife. Now I just get done for pay. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Yesh LOL... i totally loved this !!  lots of clever bits ..not to mention the assonance  . It all sounded really smooth and "right". Maybe the closure has been done before, but so what, it was still a very nice read thanks, and i'll try and say a bit more later on philip |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Good job on a sad lttle tale of a woman whose made to feel her label is herself, and in rebelling against it, becomes a laundry list of labels. mia |
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kid D Member
since 2000-10-18
Posts 64 |
wow this just struck me hard, it says so much, so much that i didn't expect when i started reading...the ending is perfect.... mia says it perfect, housewife, whore, they are all just lables...wow *shakes her head* this is so sad, without a single mention of a tear or any cliches of such...very hard hitting |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
yike ... after the last two replies my response comes off kinda trite. I didn't mean it like that at all. the "LOL" was aimed entirely at my enjoyment of the piece rather than its subject matter which i guess is sad. having said that, strangely maybe, the piece didn't have a sad "feel" to it, how could it with phrases like: "decked in a tank top" ("decked" is not light not heavy) the "ass" reference the clever but almost comic half-rhyme of: "my ass" and "dowed-ness" "whispering promises of fellatio incognito" (sorry ..i have to smile - Hugh Grant springs to mind) "golden showers, before and after and maybe, maybe, a little S&M for the" this has got to be slightly tongue-in-cheek (ahem), especially with the repetition of "maybe" and even the last three lines which i suppose hit home the serious message are lightened by the somewhat conversational use of "Anyway..."... so ok ...i know that looking at the message only and turning off to the tone, the poem is dealing with a sad situation, but as with some of his other poems Yesh imparts a twist in that i find it hard to read this without a slight smile. On reflection maybe there is some real clever writing here. maybe the sound of the poem versus the message is meant to reflect and represent the hypocrisy that probably some parts of society exhibit to matters of this kind - on the one hand deriding and condemning while at the same time having a surreptitious snigger ..... oh well i guess i'm as bad as the rest  (still liked the poem a lot tho Yesh )take care philip |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Philip, thanks for reading and commenting. I understood the 'LOL' the first time around. That this comes across as a sad tale is without argument. Whether or not the character's situation is a horrid one compared to that of some housewives is, IMO, debatable. I enjoyed your comments. Thank you. Mia, thank you. I think your comment underscores how damaging, and often belittling labels can be. This character at least picked hers and decides what she gets for it. The same is not true for most other labels. Thank you. kid D, thanks for the read. This was meant to be hard hitting and brutal. |
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Libbi Junior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 18 |
A great poem! It is so sad, and the twist at the end came completely unexpected. Poetree, you asked how it could be funny with certain phrases in it. I dunno, but for me, because i laughed the beginning of the poem, it made the ending seem even more real (and ofcourse sad). great peice..simple in its complexity..i like it -libbi- |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
no t'other way round Libbi ....how could it be sad despite being funny. and i agree with your comment btw P |
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