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Tattered Memories
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Tattered Memories |
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BSC
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-02-04
Posts 2919New York, USA |
She stands trembling, dressed in faded pink chiffon, her chestnut hair swept up atop her head, while a few stray tendrils at her neck reveal the natural gray, untouched by Clairol. Her legs unsteady as she takes center stage of the old, empty theater; moth eaten curtains hang tattered, while dust billows up from her movement. On the painted background, a tranquil lake with swans struggling to stay afloat, while the sun, torn in two, folds over itself. One last chance to grab her youth, as she throws kisses from too red lips, into the crowd of faceless ghosts. Through the silent applause, the lights dim, she removes her satin slippers, and, walks slowly to the wings; where yesterday waits, for the beautiful prima donna. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Bonnie Church - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
BSC: I think you revealed the truth to us too soon. Because you jumped right in and told us that the theater is nothing more than an empty monument of what used to be, your poem loses the much of the punch it could have had in its turn. You have a good idea going here and I would like to see what more you could do with it. I suggest that you keep us in the dark a little longer. Also consider using more descriptive nouns instead of some of your adjectives ("faceless ghosts", for example, could be strengthened by using a less general word than "ghost" ... try using a thesaurus and a dictionary to find the word you are looking for -- spectre, phantom, shade, shadow and there are many, many more). Remember, the best adjective in the world cannot give a relatively week noun much more than a little boost.  Thanks for the read. Jim |
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