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Willow Tree
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Willow Tree |
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seraphin Senior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 1004Michigan 
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Willow Tree Just the right kind of day To sit and play 'Neath the shade of the old willow tree. Where the boughs shut away The sun as it lay Upon the ground and the leaves and the day |
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| © Copyright 2000 Sandra McDonald - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
seraphin: You seem to be allowing your rhymes to exert too much control on the organization of the sentences in your lines. Line 2 seems to be screaming for two more syllables, Lines 4-6 are a sentence fragment (one could argue the same about Lines 1-3), and "lay" should be "lays". The content is simple, but I don't have a problem with that. I think you could improve this poem a great deal by regulating the meter, rewording the lines so that (1) they are grammatically correct and (2) are not controlled by your rhyme scheme. As a rough draft, this is okay, but, in my opinion, the poem isn't finished. Sorry. Jim |
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seraphin Senior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 1004Michigan |
Jim, Now why in the world would you apologize for expressing an opinion? You are correct in that the grammatic content is really off. The word "neath" would never make it past a spell checker! Technically, this poem is two lines, merely broken up to perform the task of obtaining the meter I wanted. I posted this poem here, because it is one of my favorites. I wrote it 30 years ago, and every now and then, I take it out and try to rewrite it. I always end up just smiling at the memory, not able to decide how or what I should do. Thank you for your thoughts. They are very helpful. I will do a rewrite one day now that I have some idea of where to go, but for the moment...I will allow the observations of a 13 year old girl to stand. My sincere thanks for your help. I am returning your apology. Save it for a time it is warranted! Sandi |
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