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Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

0 posted 2000-10-04 12:28 PM

Jokes are not so funny when
I've chopped off your head and kick it about the school yard
like a ca-klickity klunk egg oval soccer ball
during a private world cup.

Jokes are not so funny when
I skinny dip you in the fast fry, feet first,
at the fast food restaurant for giggling my differences
and funny making me feel awkward
like McDuff
and pressed to stand out
no matter how much I stand in
and hide out.

Jokes are not so funny when
I have my father's rifle
aimed through your rice paper life
and bullet loaded firing eagerly
at insults to kill your faults
with mine.

Jokes are not so funny when
you realize
monsters make monsters.

Chanson
Senior Member

since 2000-08-19

Posts 1559
Up Creek w/Out Paddle

1 posted 2000-10-04 09:16 PM

Being introduced to Passions 6 weeks ago, tonight is the first time I'm venturing into all the forums....and I'm glad I did or I would have missed this poignant piece.

If I'm understanding it correctly, the subject is getting back at those who caused him grief in the past/made him the butt of the jokes...which turns him into a very bitter person who acts out his frustration and anger (or wishes to).

This is top-notch work, Trevor.

...chanson~

Music, tonal clear & pure,
Caresses the harshest of curves.
-me, Song of Gesture

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

2 posted 2000-10-05 12:26 PM

Trev:

I liked this one.  The repetition of the first line throughout the poem works for me and the poem, as a whole, reads well.  The reference to "McDuff" escapes me ("McFly" from "Back to the Future" immediately came to my mind ... not sure if this is what you meant or if McDuff is another McFly type guy).

Your last line packs a good punch, Trevor, and I can find no decrease in the momentum in the previous lines.  In fact, you've developed the theme extremely well, in my opinion, and that makes the last line much more effective for me.

The only (very minor) gripe I have is with the alliteration ... to me it gives the first two stanzas and almost humorous, playful sound ... I suppose, considering the subject, the playfulness of the violent delusions may enhance the point you are aiming to make.  I don't know.  The alliteration seemed a little awkward to me but maybe it is just me.

Thanks for the read, Trev (and taking up 1/3 of my lunch break ... as Philip says, lunch is for wimps, right?).

Later and take care.

Jim

[This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 10-05-2000).]

Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

3 posted 2000-10-05 11:49 PM

Hello,

Chansondegeste:

"Being introduced to Passions 6 weeks ago, tonight is the first time I'm venturing into all the forums...."

Hi and welcome to Critical Analysis. Hope you will enjoy the forum.

"If I'm understanding it correctly, the subject is getting back at those who caused him grief in the past/made him the butt of the jokes...which turns him into a very bitter person who acts out his frustration and anger (or wishes to)."

Correct in your interpretation. I wanted to show the fantasy first of this character's idea of revenge...ie. him kicking a head around like a soccer ball, and finish it off with the character having a realistic vision of revenge.

Thanks for your input and taking the time to read the poem.

Jim:

Always nice to see your name in the critique column.

"The repetition of the first line throughout the poem works for me and the poem, as a whole, reads well.  The reference to "McDuff" escapes me"

I debated for a few about referencing something...I'm not a big fan of that technique and I'm not sold on my use of one but figured it's something I don't really ever do...so what the hell. The McDuff is a reference to Macbeth....I think, and I guess I should have done a bit of research on this, but the one of the secondary characters who ends up killing Macbeth is named McDuff. He was not born of woman....C-section and this procedure was not the norm back then...the mother never lived. It was also a slight pun with the fast food restaurant line...McD's.

"The only (very minor) gripe I have is with the alliteration ... to me it gives the first two stanzas and almost humorous, playful sound ... I suppose, considering the subject, the playfulness of the violent delusions may enhance the point you are aiming to make."

That's what I was aiming for, a progression from fantasy (a tactic we all use to alleviate stress...and even though violent this character finds it humorous until he/she can take no more and begins to seek a violent realistic solution) to a more somber reality of what this character intends on doing or what this character is realistically capable of.

"I don't know.  The alliteration seemed a little awkward to me but maybe it is just me."

Of course its just you, don't you know that I'm a brilliant, misunderstood genius who is never at fault but rather all you heathens can't quite comprehend the sheer magnitude and weight of my intricate thoughts...errrr...or you may have a valid point

To be honest Jim, this piece was written in about five minutes and concieved purely out of boredom. I don't consider it one of my better poems but felt like writing and posting it just because I had nothing else to do.

" Thanks for the read, Trev (and taking up 1/3 of my lunch break ... as Philip says, lunch is for wimps, right?)."

Sorry Jim, I'll mail you some pasta from work to make up for it....

Thanks for the input Jim, always appreciated.

Ryan
Member

since 1999-06-10

Posts 297
Kansas

4 posted 2000-10-15 10:29 PM

Hey Trevor. Remember me? I know that I do. Remember me that is. *grins* I think you start off with a well used idea in a unique way, which is good. But then (you just knew there would be a but) it gets unoriginal and preachy, which is bad. The first two stanzas are good (one comment on stanza 2, but I'll get to that after I'm done with this thought train), stanza 3 is okay, and stanza 4 makes me wonder which after school special you got the idea from. Maybe that sounds harsh (hell, wait, no maybe about it...but Hulk can take it, right?). I really, really think you could have a much better ending. Something that's no so preachy sounding. I mentioned after school special up above b/c that's really what I thought of when I read that last stanza. I also dislike the third stanza, but not quite with as much passion. Whereas the first two are very original ideas, the third one seems like you just took a common idea and added some adjectives to make it look pretty. So, yeah, I think you need to do some major rework on the last two stanzas. And that second point I was going to bring up had to do with the wording in Stanza 2. I guess it is a play on words (with awkward), but I dunno. Maybe. I'll think on that one. Well, I think that's all from me. I'll see ya around.

Ryan

I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.
—Jack Kerouac

Corazon
Senior Member

since 2000-02-02

Posts 1209

5 posted 2000-10-16 12:46 PM

ok, gonna pull an illegal move and not critique, don't have time, but i bounced in here and read this and it is good...we can all see the harm in hurting with joking...this brings it to a boil in a very powerful piece of writing....

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

6 posted 2000-10-16 05:28 PM

Trevor, the subject matter in the poem is very serious. I think the point is forcefully made, but am uncomfortable with the lightness with which this piece is delivered. I thought the subject strong enough to stand without props. I enjoyed the read though.

Elyse
Member

since 2000-04-16

Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC

7 posted 2000-10-16 08:05 PM

just a quick note as i am being bad and not doing my work) like macbeth, macduff spells his name like that. so that was where you threw him off. just to let you know

luv Elyse

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

8 posted 2000-10-16 10:40 PM

Trevor,
Sorry. Get off your horse, stop moralizing, and write the poem that's here.

Don't tell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I need a lecture, I'll call my mom.

Just an opinion,
Brad

PS Hope everything's well.

Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

9 posted 2000-10-17 09:50 AM

Hello,

Ryan:

"Hey Trevor. Remember me? I know that I do. Remember me that is."

Hulk remember, you little man HULK must STOMP!!!!

Nice to see you around Ryan. How are things?

"But then (you just knew there would be a but) it gets unoriginal and preachy, which is bad."

Yeah I guess it does, never really noticed it until you pointed it out. Thanks.

"and stanza 4 makes me wonder which after school special you got the idea from."

I think the title of the show was, "People Are Too Soft to Catch Bullets"....or was it, "Recess is not for Target Practise".....whatever it was called it still wasn't as good as, "Suzy is too Fat for Friends"...an indepth account of the darkside of a girl and twinkies.

"Maybe that sounds harsh (hell, wait, no maybe about it...but Hulk can take it, right?)."

Hulk O.K. but little man must be STOMPED till little man not OK!!!!

"Whereas the first two are very original ideas, the third one seems like you just took a common idea and added some adjectives to make it look pretty. So, yeah, I think you need to do some major rework on the last two stanzas. "

I have to agree with you Ryan, thanks for pointing out the weak parts.

Corazon:

Thanks for your comments.

YeshuJah:

"I think the point is forcefully made, but am uncomfortable with the lightness with which this piece is delivered. I thought the subject strong enough to stand without props."

Wasn't meant to be light, just trying to show some of the fantasies a person on the edge might be having....though I agree that some of the props could be chopped. Thanks for your comments.

Elyse:

"just a quick note as i am being bad and not doing my work) like macbeth, macduff spells his name like that. so that was where you threw him off. just to let you know."

....and why was it that I failed 12 Englush twyce?

Thanks for the catch on the spelling.

Brad:

"Trevor,
Sorry. Get off your horse, stop moralizing, and write the poem that's here.
Don't tell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I need a lecture, I'll call my mom."

...so Brad, need I ask how the switch from regular to decaff is going?

Your absolutely right though and as both you and Ryan have pointed out, it probably does get a little preachy at the end. Thanks for your kind words

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