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Critical Analysis #1

In Vain

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

0 posted 2000-10-16 05:43 PM

I feel the weight of waiting.

I was once compelled to wait
under the weight of suffrage.

I waited out
by Jim Crow's gate!

Now on a barstool,
again I wait,
as a waitress waits,
on someone else while I wait.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2000-10-16 10:38 PM

Cute. A lot to play with here but does indeed capture a certain paradoxical human condition here.

Reminds me of a little Bukowski.

Brad

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

2 posted 2000-10-17 01:06 PM

Thanks Brad, this actually came to me while driving. I was, of course, waiting.

Klondike
New Member

since 2000-10-17

Posts 9

3 posted 2000-10-17 05:21 PM

I would suggest a line directly Under this to keep The rhythm.

I was once compelled to wait
under the weight of suffrage.

(Something like)
and now its Much to late.

Well it was just where I got caught up that's all.

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

4 posted 2000-10-17 05:51 PM

Klondike, that might work. Thanks for reading and commenting.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

5 posted 2000-10-17 06:21 PM

I should correct myself here. It reminds me of a few poems that Bukowski wrote, not a young Bukowski.

Brad

kid D
Member

since 2000-10-18

Posts 64

6 posted 2000-10-18 10:04 AM

i do like the repitition of wait and weight it builds the poem, and everyone knows what its like to wait....and wait....lol
but yep maybe a little polishing might help
good start

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