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Critical Analysis #1
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She will Dance into Phoenix
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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She will Dance into Phoenix |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia 
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I concede she will dance in crescendo to Phoenix with hand's on hips she will hip hop and oh ho she will pop all the way in to Pheonix She will dance into Phoenix as surely will the scorpion sting (the frog) midstream it's her nature to dance into Phoenix she will rip horns sir and thwart any hex she will spin into Phoenix with a roar she will sip the sin of neon and dance with her pen into Phoenix None would do well to dwell in the ash and she dances (as surely as Nixon went to China) she dances to Phoenix with Wings With Wings She dances like science to Phoenix with a screech and a nod she will drip the old ox to the ditch and dance to Phoenix With a slight layover In Chicago [This message has been edited by Local Rebel (edited 10-11-2000).] |
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phoenix New Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 9 |
Thanks for using my name in your poem. Ha!  But seriously, I don't see anything I would edit. This poem literally flies off the page!i am phoenix, rising from ashes. i will not be held down. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Okay, your last two lines caused me to chuckle a little. I'm not sure if "concede" is the best word for the first line. It implies that the speaker has grudgingly allowed woman to go to Phoenix but you do little more throughout the rest of the poem to set forth the connection between the woman and the speaker. For the most part, I enjoyed the sing-songy tone of this poem. You may want to look at some of your meter and make some minor adjustments to regulate the meter where it may be called for. The first stanza was okay. I already mentioned what I think about "concede" but I do not have a better suggestion at this time. I didn't like the bit about the scorpion's sting and wasn't certain of the significance of the parenthetical "frog" but, meaningful or not, that portion of the poem broke the rhythm for me. Just a quick look at the meter of those lines: "as SURE-ly will the SCORP-i-on STING (the FROG) mid-STREAM" The feminine ending of the first line slows the rhythm to my ear. The parenthesis creates too big a pause for me and, if you want to keep "the frog" in there, I would suggest losing the parenthesis. With them, it almost appears that the scorpion is stinging the mid-stream. I would suggest the following edit for the next stanza: "she will rip away horns and thwart any hex she will spin into Phoenix and roar she will sip the sin of neon and gin she will dance with her pen into Phoenix" I think this preserves the rhythm and your original meaning (I think), adds gin (I love gin)  , and picks up the pause I hear after "roar" with another "she will". Just a suggestion."None would do well to dwell in the ash and she dances (as surely as Nixon went to China) she dances to Phoenix with Wings" I didn't like the Nixon bit. Seems out of place (too much "real world" thrown into all of that symbolism). "With Wings She dances like science to Phoenix with a screech and a nod she will drip the old ox to the ditch as she dances to Phoenix" I'm not sure what it means to "dance like science" but I will assume you used the word purposefully (I just can't figure it out at the moment). I made a few edits toward the end of the stanza to improve the sound of the rhythm to my ear. "With a slight layover In Chicago" As I said before, this gave me a little laugh. All-in-all, I found this to be an enjoyable read with only few technical lapses. Thanks for the read. Jim |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
Thanks for the read and the detailed analysis and critique Jim.... This one has more meanings than I should probably divulge -- but, I'll get into a few of them... First of all the main theme -- the outline theme -- is here there are two very strong willed people -- she, and I... (and I am the phoenix -- not the city phoenix -- that's the connection to concede-- more on that in a bit)-- and the language is used to convey the strength of will and inevitability of it all -- and the last line is thrown in there exactly to get a laugh that in this world -- even the strongest are limited by the same things that limit the weak... lol so anyway -- in the first strophe I use concede to set up the fact there is nothing I can do to stop her -- it is inevitable that she's going to phoenix -- she's going to ressurect me whether I like it or not -- it's going to happen in the second strophe -- the bit about the frog -- I'm drawing on the imagery there of the parable of the scorpion who wants to cross a stream -- but can't swim -- so the scorpion asks a frog to let him ride on his back accross the stream.... the frog says no -- because the scorpion will sting him -- but the scorpion points out that if he does sting him -- he will lose his ferry and will drown -- the frog is convinced and agrees to carry the scorpion -- so off they go -- and mid-stream the frog feels the scorpion stinging him -- he looks up at the scorpion and says "that was really stupid -- now you'll drown" and the scorpion replies "I couldn't help it -- it's my nature." So I'm drawing here -- on what I have (perhaps incorrectly) percieved to be a ubiquitous story to set up the fact that it is her nature -- and there is nothing she can even do to stop herself I did it parenthetically because in this verse she is the scorpion and could sting -- before reaching phoenix --but I have elected to trust that she won't-- the frog is not really in this story because I am not carrying her --but is just there to refer the reader back to the parable... sorry it didn't work.. I agree with your take on the meter in the third strophe -- but I did it that way intentionally -- I didn't want it to be too sing-songy and wanted to drop the reader off a cliff -- I didn't want it to be a smooth ride -- because the story isn't a smooth ride -- I wanted to put some choppy water in -- I really really did consider making it move -- but even in my musical compositions sometimes I like to put in holes -- sometimes it's not what you say -- it's what you don't -- but that's just my taste...(and neither of us drink gin... lol... jack for me -- vodka for her) In the fourth strophe -- the Nixon bit -- is imagery to me -- China was locked tight--impervious -- but Nixon (perhaps an unlikely ambassador) got into a place others -- maybe percieved to be better at that sort of thing -- were not able to go and the dancing like science is an oxymoronical sort of device since science isn't necessarially percieved to be beautiful or spontaneous -- but rather methodical and deliberate -- I'm trying to point out here both the visceral and cereberal side to the mating dance -- the sometimes 'logical' arguements people use on themselves -- or one maybe hear from friends -- but -- dancing like science says -- the heart and the head are in it -- caution isn't thrown to the wind -- but rather -- the logic of it all is there -- logic isn't logical -- passion is defendable -- she drips the old ox (percieved responsibility -- the us that gets yoked) to the ditch... and then... lol -- the layover in chicago -- in spite of it all -- there are all the logistical realities of life... so take a look from that vantage point and tell me if it makes more or less sense.. another note -- one of the devices I will often use in my poetry is the acrostic -- I'll take a phrase -- maybe the title (but not in this case) and encrypt it within the poem by creating words from the phrase acrostically and arranging them into an order that says what I want it to say -- I find this provides some interesting alliteration and sometimes rhyme and brings out some verbiage I may not use in everyday prose... I may drop the parenthetic use (but not the phrases) as you suggest -- and I'm going to reconsider the meter in the third strophe thanks again [This message has been edited by Local Rebel (edited 10-13-2000).] |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
one other thing I forgot to say about the parentheses -- one of the devices I really like in satyrical movies is when the players pop out of character for a second, mug the camera, and talk directly to the audience... I really wanted to do that here...but I guess it just may not work in poetry... and Phoenix!!! thank you for your lovely compliment -- and all I can say is -- you can edit me -- anytime..!! |
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phoenix New Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 9 |
Rebel- This is a very interesting analysis of your poem. There's so much more in there than I understood. WOW! I don't see the acrostic, however, and wonder if you'd care to explain that part and which words are encrypted. Thanks. And no, I still would not edit your poetry. Sorry. It's too good. |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Very well thought out and executed. Well constructed and the underlying tension leads you on from one verse to the next. Good imagery. forrest |
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
great idea here. really good flow from verse to verse. grips you and keeps you in its grasp till the very end. P. J. Kotrch carpe diem A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love |
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kid D Member
since 2000-10-18
Posts 64 |
ok i don't suppose this is a popular statement considering everyone else liked the poem, and not that i didn't, the flow is good, but even with the explanation, it was too complicated and hard to understand...but i guess that's just me and not your writing, would like to read more from you though |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
sorry Phoenix... did I say acrostically? damn my lisdexic fnigers...  what I meant to say was -- anagramatically -- lol... what the heck was wrong with me when I wrote that????? anyway the original phrase from whence this poem was structured ANAGRAMATICALLY was the scorpion will dance to phoenix (all should be able to see where the Nixon imagery came from now) Thank you Forrest and epoet... thanks Kid D -- what would make this easier for you? thanks for reading and responding... just look around I'm sure you'll see me here and there -- |
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Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
I like this. As I read it felt like a song. I could hear rock guitars in the background and imagine someone playing this in a bar. I'm not sure if that says more about me then your poem (although I do not go to bars or listen to rock unless my son has it on) But I liked it. I am no critique, but different poems take me different places. That is where I ended up. Jeen |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Like the lady above, I too heard music as I read this. The twang of an electric guitar, fingered strings to follow her journey. Red Hot Chili Peppers kind a song. Unique, different, I liked it. The last line gave me a healthy little laugh. Thanks. mia [This message has been edited by miapoetess (edited 10-18-2000).] |
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