»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
opening the door to sorrow
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
opening the door to sorrow |
|
|
epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa 
|
The door opens slowly and silently, revealing an officer dressed in blue. He carries a flag that they used to drape over my sons' casket. I wasn't there when he died so horribly that day. A thousand miles couldn't have taken away my pain. Letting him in, I reach for the flag. Touching it I try to mask my sorrow. He apologizes for my loss, and offers assistance to deal with my grief. I only regret that my tears stream down my cheeks. Streaming so hard that I cannot see, my sons' spirit holding me. The whisper of his voice telling me it's okay. Letting me know that he didn't die in vain. He gave his life for this country he loved. He wanted freedom for everyone. So today I sit and stare at this flag. Proud and sad am I, a veteran's dad. P. J. Kotrch carpe diem A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Pat Kotrch - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
To get the full extent of this poem, a little backgound is useful. I wrote this piece as a conclusion to my earlier piece entitled "Standing at the door", it is the finishing tribute to veterans and their families as my way of saying thank you for my freedom. P. J. Kotrch carpe diem A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love |
||
|
Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
This is very good...I especially liked these two stanzas: Streaming so hard that I cannot see, my sons' spirit holding me. The whisper of his voice telling me it's okay I could see your son holding you and you listening to his voice, but I have to tell you something: being new to this forum and not knowing who you are, not even looking to see if I could tell the gender of the person writing this, as I read this, I pictured it was by a woman. So, for me, the end when you reveal that you're the father, I was surprised, but pleasantly. Let me explain: you have written this with such sensibility that more often would be found in a woman's work. You guy poets out there, please don't get offended because I can only imagine the sensibility you too have to offer (being new to this forum and all) To say that you have written this simply, yet sensitively, is from me, a whole-hearted compliment. |
||
|
epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
thank you very much. I think that you are right about the fact that the ending is a surprise. most of all I find it humorous that you thought that I was a woman. I have often been told that my sensitive side shows through better when I write about something that means a lot to me. By the way, this poem is not about me. It's just a view from the eyes of a vet(me) and how I would feel if I were to ever have to recieve this news about one of my boys. P. J. Kotrch carpe diem A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love |
||
|
gidget7 Member
since 2000-08-12
Posts 52Arkansas, USA |
Your poem is very touching,and I too thought it to be written by a woman.Not to offend you in any way.I think it is a very nice surprise to see a mans thoughts written so beautifully. [This message has been edited by gidget7 (edited 08-16-2000).] |
||
|
epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
thank you very much for the comments. I am not offended by the fact that two people now have thought this piece was written by a female. I actually think people often don't express themselves as effectively as possible. P. J. Kotrch carpe diem A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love |
||
|
Seoulman Junior Member
since 2000-05-24
Posts 41 |
Hi, just read your poem which was a well metered and flowing piece. Your use of words such as 'streaming' create very poignant images. Well done. |
||
|
ladysixstring Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374 |
I too imagined a woman grieving despreatley over the loss of her son. Wow!! Such heart in this one!! And a wonderful tribute!! -jaimie www.ladysixstring.com |
||
|
epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
someone explain why everyone thinks this was written by a female? Can't men have feelings too? I'm not offended by this comment I just want to know why people think a woman wrote this. I do thank you all for the comments, and hope that this poem made someone see that vets are a group of people of whom we all should be proud. Lets not forget their sacrifices in this world. P. J. Kotrch carpe diem A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love |
||
|
epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
just rereading this again and I still don't understand why everyone thinks that this is written by a woman. Not that I take offense at that, but what makes people think this? P. J. Kotrch carpe diem A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
I really don't think it matters whether the poem was written by a guy or a gal. The speaker in the poem is clearly a father (just read the last line) but the feelings of loss in such as case as the one you describe spans the gender-gap. I liked the poem but think you could expand on your theme a little bit. I don't think you've built the tension necessary to give the last stanza the depth of meaning you wanted to convey. The movement from grief to acceptance is too simple, in my opinion. Where is the guilt? The anger? The doubt? I think you imply the presence of some of these feelings but I think those implications should be fleshed out. Don't get me wrong ... I think it is a fine story ... but I think it would be well served by your delving into the complexity of the feelings this father is experiencing. Just an opinion. Jim |
||
|
epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
Thank you Jim for the comments. I hope that someone else might help me figure out another way to finish the poem to satisfy your suggestions. Feel up to it? Let me know if you are. P. J. Kotrch carpe diem A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love |
||
|
Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
a former and missed contributor to this forum once pointed out to me the use of punctuation in open verse is best used sparingly or not at all -- I agree with her even though others in this forum would disagree... i would like this better without the punctuation a little editing and re-arranging.. somewhat like this... The door opens slowly silently revealing a blue officer dressed in blue He carries the flag used to drape over my sons' casket I wasn't there when he died so horribly that day A thousand miles couldn't have taken my pain Letting him in I reach for the flag touching it sorrow masked in vain effort He apologizes for my loss and offers assistance to deal with my grief I only regret my tears streaming down cheeks blinding me to my sons' spirit holding me The whisper of his voice telling me it's okay Letting me know that his death was not vain He gave his life for this country he loved He wanted freedom for everyone So today I stare at this flag Proud and sad am I a veteran's dad but hey.... I'm just me |
||
|
epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
Local Rebel sorry it took me so long to reply. However, your suggestion is interesting but I like this the way it is written. I am trying to come up with a better ending as Jim suggested, but am stuck so if anyone wants to lend a hand, feel free. P. J. Kotrch carpe diem A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love |
||
|
kid D Member
since 2000-10-18
Posts 64 |
i liked it, it brought tears to my eyes and i liked the ending too, wouldn't change it i write only free verse, so i understand what Local Rebel is trying to do with his line spaces and punctuation, his rewrite does read well i liked it, very touching |
||
|
epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
thank you for the comments kid d. I appreciate it very much. thank you for the insight P. J. Kotrch carpe diem A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
