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Critical Analysis #1

Lad's Duality

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

0 posted 2000-10-08 06:23 PM

Lad's Duality:

Rose-lipt lad praises joy.
Blasphemy surrounds his soul.
Musing over what's and where's.
Shades of pink fade whole.

Vermin craddle springs asound
To all the yes and no's.
Wondering if he was made
Of God's body and Satan's clothes.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

1 posted 2000-10-09 12:47 PM

D-

Welcome to CA.  I think you have some nice moments in this poem (I liked "vermin craddle springs asound").

You do have some syntax problems (your sentence structure suffers at the expense of your lines -- lines 3 and 7 & 8 are sentence fragments).  Strengthening your sentence structure will improve the flow of the poem.

Also, I found "Blasphemy surrounds his soul" to be too vague.  Depending on your background, blasphemy can have a meaning ranging from the very specific to the very broad and, I think, you really haven't given us the substance of the blasphemy (unless the blasphemy is in the asking of tough questions).  I think fleshing out your meaning of "blasphemy" will add strength to your final line which, in my opinion, hinges on the reader's comprehension of what you mean by "Satan's clothes" (God's body, I assume, is a play on man being created in God's image).

I would suggest you develop this more.  Just an opinion.  Thanks for the read.

Jim

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

2 posted 2000-10-11 12:31 PM

I think Jim's right on the blasphemy bit (although I wonder if 'joy' is also a problem here. You seem to want to do a kind of Jungian duality here but it never quite get through. As a result, your final body, clothes dichotomy doesn't really satisfy.

I think you've got some potential here by exploring those shades of pink rather than attempting to explain the issues.

In other words, drop the rhyme and half-rhymes and give us a story (make the poem longer) of this 'lad'.

Just an opinion,
Brad

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