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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Serendipity |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Some call you great because you stand without the gate, freed from the dictates of fate. Would that they could see the things you see, or live within your state, at any rate. Little do they know that you tell no new thing there being no such thing here below, since every word uttered is a deranged re-arrangement of the same sounds in tow. How many combinations could one elicit from that flow? You couldn't tell them a damn thing they didn't already know! If you could, it would be lost to them, burned in the after glow. You've been placed upon the walls as a watcher, without so much as a working plan. To shout the shout is your command. Words issued out of you never do the curtsy, even the speaker is judged as innocent or guilty! They wonder how you do it! Out of the bowels of sleepless nights and demons howling to be free, you've seen angels that filled your knees with dread, laid on your bed at times and seen your self on the floor as dead. But you've been sent to holler at them, made privy to the lies their spirits cry. Yet you're still wondering who you are? Trying to define yourself according to the dictates of the ‘dead’ from whom you've been set apart.. Have you come this near to think you’re really that far? Vision-a-lize it! Hold no position and strike no pose! Unload your mind, or you will revert to being blind. Walk in the light, and you will rise above the below, then you will know that to be still, is to execute that will ordained for you before time was and is and ever shall be. All-le-lu-JAH All-le-lu-JAH All-le-lu-JAH ALL Men |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
YeshuJah: I want to take a closer look at the body of the poem (I will say now that I found the initial rhyme a little grating but will reserve judgement for later). The last two stanzas shift and build quickly to an impressive momentum and, as an exhortation, I think those stanzas work well. More later. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 10-10-2000).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I think you should drop the rhymes here. I don't see how that helps the poem get to where you want to go (or where I think you want to go) . I found myself losing interest right around this stanza: Out of the bowels of sleepless nights and demons howling to be free, you've seen angels that filled your knees with dread, laid on your bed at times and seen your self on the floor as dead. It struck me as interesting that the beginning of the poem was ambiguous and yet I found meself wanting to read more (to find out what you were talking about) but then right around the above stanza you turn it into a religious poems. I think religious (or spiritual) poems are extrememly hard to do. As a result, this didn't work for me as much as some of your other stuff has. You can't win'em all, can you?  Just an opinion, Brad |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Guys, thanks for reading and commenting. This was an experiment, a sort of word dabbling, hence the ambiguity in some lines. I just threw it out there. |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
I agree with the other critiqes on the rhyming issue... to me -- rhyme can work in free verse if it comes in unexpected places -- but rhyming at the end of lines needs some meter... I also deplore centered text... it is really really really hard to read... but -- that's jus my humble opinion... |
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