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Critical Analysis #1
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longest of morning's dawns ... (Open Forum re-post)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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longest of morning's dawns ... (Open Forum re-post) |
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ma miller Senior Member
since 2000-07-11
Posts 806 |
love the Open Forums, but really need a more critical read ... thanks ... longest of morning's dawns ... and to a tumbling season's change i give a spirited chase waterdown upon the range dotting snow's sun-white lace the body of my soul alive at it a wind does howl game of life comes astride a gnarling hound-spoke growl if my change at season's end falls in place with the breeze auburn's glow to me still send sweep me among drift's leaves 'til white blankets lay silently on grounds of once green lawns my wait for soft's touch of thee be the longest of morning's dawns M.A. Miller 10.05.00 My calling before me, let quill be my offering; For to be called poet, no greater gift to receive. M.A. |
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| © Copyright 2000 ma miller - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Most of what I'm about to say is certainly debatable (and a lot has been here) so please take this as one person's opinion: First, I think you create the proper tone here. I felt a distance to the poem that matched much of the imagery. Second, your meter, while strong in places, seems to wander off in others and I can't figure out a good reason for that. Third, you seem to be letting your syntax get away from you with the use of inversion. Not necessarily against such techniques but here it comes more to fit the rhyme more than anything else. In other words, you're letting the rhyme control your poem rather than you controlling the rhyme. Forth, I'm a strong believer that the use of a line break is an added tool for the poet, not a substitute for syntax or punctuation (a point to which many have disagreed). Here, I see it as a substitute rather than an enhancer of what you can do. I found the reading of the lines a bit jarring at times -- almost as if you were attempting a random style. If so, I don't think that fits the tone of the piece. Last, why the use of archaic language? Are you trying to put this in the past? If so you need to indicate that to the reader with more archaic, specific, and less general imagery. With all that said, it does have a certain resonance that I think should be kept. Just an opinion, Brad |
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ma miller Senior Member
since 2000-07-11
Posts 806 |
Brad ... thanks for the honest review ... i will certainly consider your remarks in future works ... as for this one, i'll have to think about how to improve it ... forcing rhymes for me is part of my creative process and brings options to the final direction of my work ... thanks again for reading and critiquing ... |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
As a creative techinque, I have no problems with using rhymes to move in different directions (I don't have any problems with just about any creative technique). But forcing rhymes often give the poem a comic effect that jars and distracts what the poem is trying to say. Furthermore, many writers (I don't count you as one of these) believe that a poem, in order to be a poem, must rhyme. That is, they see rhyme as the defining aspect of a poem rather than as one tool in the armory of trying to get readers to feel and think differently. A good rhyme is something that is new and, depending on the poem, is invisible to a reader unless it, in some way, enhances the semantic relationship between content and form. In other words, I applaud your use of the technique but don't think you should stop with that technique unless you think it effectively adds some push to the theme of the poem. Thanks, Brad |
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