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Critical Analysis #1
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A War Victim's Tragedy--this is the first poem i have ever written(at the age of 17)
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Critical Analysis #1
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A War Victim's Tragedy--this is the first poem i have ever written(at the age of 17)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A War Victim's Tragedy--this is the first poem i have ever written(at the age of 17) |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore 
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Dead bodies on the streets A heaven-sent gift to vultures,i'm sure Rotting and decaying away With no one to give them a decent burial More than a million of my "brothers" killed Struck down by senseless vioence To eternity and nothingness With their loved ones unable to share their joys with them forever I wish this nonsense will end Who ever heard of tigers eating tigers Or leopards devouring their own kind Or lions preying on themselves So why do we kill our "brothers"? When we should work towards an united nation With everyone living together in peace and harmony Alas, a bomb is approaching my way I try desperately to hide away To save my own insignificnt life But the bomb explodes sooner than i run And as i watch the bomb explode, I find my life slipping away.... |
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| © Copyright 2000 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved | |||
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carolyn smale Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 20australia |
for a first poem, at a young age this is quite good. i like the natural voice which breaks through in several places. the simple lines are the best, although not new they sound right here - "With no one to give them a decent burial" "I wish this nonsense will end" "So why do we kill our "brothers"? When we should work towards an united nation With everyone living together in peace and harmony" - probably a bit too preachy, could think of another way to say it. don't really like the "" for "brothers" the end's also too much! - i am guilty of the exact same end to a poem i wrote in my teens. as i said b4 i feel a natural voice waiting to break out and you should have another look at this poem and see what you can make of it have you read any of wilfred owen's poems on war? i think you'd like them. thanks, carolyn. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kaile: This reminds me of an email I received from a friend in the Coast Guard while the UN was bombing Bosnia. The email contained infrared video footage from a UN 500 lb. smart bomb. The footage showed the glowing outline of a man running away from the building that was the bomb's target. This footage was amusing to many but I couldn't shake the thought that the man on the video feed probably didn't survive. I agree with Carolyn that this is a good poem considering your age while writing it and that it is your first poem. I like the content. You might consider rewriting it (I'm sure there are things you've learned through experience and practice that will make this read easier). Thanks for the read. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
kalie: this is a very moving poem... i like the thoughts behind it and the way you develop it in the course of the work... i also agree with carolyn's advice and i'm sure with a little revision you can make this even better... sincerely, jerome the mysterious priest A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
This is sooo good. Really made me think of something! |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
thank u for taking the effort to read this poem")i'm glad u all think that this is a not-so-bad poem for a 1st attempt.. i do agree that it is indeed a little bit preachy...but i do remember wanting to put across a message to the reader and what better way to put across this poem than the straightforward method? do tell me if you agree or disagree in this case.") to Trevor, i'm glad u like this but i do want to know what this poem made u think of....i'm deeply interested... thank you everyone for their kind comments again.if u can spare the time,pls read my other poem "Betrayal"--which is my 1st post..  |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, I certainly agree that for a first poem, it is very strong. Nevertheless, you tell us too much on the one hand and too little on the other (huh, geez, Brad aren't you the one who always argues against vague comments?). In other words, you've let yourself explain too much of the general idea of violence. Loss is implied in any poem such as this so you don't need stuff like More than a million of my "brothers" killed Struck down by senseless vio[l]ence To eternity and nothingness With their loved ones unable to share their joys with them forever Nor do I think you need the stanza on animals. Concentrate on the specific moment. When I talk about saying too little, I mean that you almost seem to be avoiding what specific conflict you're referring to. What country? What time? This gives us, the readers, more to work with -- we're able to see what you mean more clearly. But you do have a strong voice and I like the 'I'm sure' line in the first stanza as well as the 'nonsense' line. Oh, one more thing, if the speaker dies at the end of the poem, who wrote this in the first person?  Just an opinion, Brad |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
thank you,brad for replying.if u like to know,the original title of this poem is "A Cambodian's Tragedy".this was actually written in 1997 when Cambodia was having a war for one of my writing assignments. i changed the title because i thought u all might be alienated since this incident happened so long ago ciao and take care.... TQ all for your remarks...i shall work hard to make this a better read."):P |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
recently, i have this urge to rewrite and redraft all the poems which i have written..will like to gather a few more comments before i make the necessary changes thank you for your kind attention and time spent |
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Critical Analysis #1
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A War Victim's Tragedy--this is the first poem i have ever written(at the age of 17)
