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Devotion (a Sonnet)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Devotion (a Sonnet) |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
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She grabbed me with the white that washed her face And stole my pity with the disbelief Her eyes conveyed. I marveled at her grace, The soundness of the will that hid her grief, But still she stood and stared – the contents of The plastic bag were all that would pass through Those automatic doors today – their love Would never know another rendezvous. It was a brilliant act – she looked at me And winked the sign that everything had gone As planned – her husband dead, we now were free To let our secret lives embrace the dawn. My angel smiled at me and looked around, Then tossed the plastic bag onto the ground. [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 10-06-2000).] |
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kcsgrandma Senior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 1522Presque Isle, ME |
I'll never see a sonnet quite the same way again! I can't find anything to argue about in meter or rhyme, and it certainly is not your usual love sonnet. Just one question. Was I wrong in thinking the plastic bag that was to pass through the doors was a body bag? Surely she would not toss that to the ground. Am I missing something here? To love another person is to see the face of God. - Les Miserables Marilyn |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Marilyn: I was afraid the "contents of the plastic bag" would be too vague. I intended it to mean the plastic bag that contained the wallet, keys, wedding ring, and other valuables that would be released by the hospital to the wife. This is all fiction, btw.  Thanks for the reply. Jim |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
quote: sheesh .... you don't want to believe everything he tells you marilyn - the guy is a fiend ...... ooops ...lost an "r" there... i mean a friend  jim..thanks for giving a jolt with your reply to that silly thing i wrote or i'd have missed this ... absolutely loved the opening line: "She grabbed me with the white that washed her face" i'm sure brad did something similar once ...ha ..i remember Maricel's Graduation: "I sighed and looked at the sky, I grabbed My face, saw her best friend, hugged her instead." interesting eh? ...not quite the same but nevertheless ... (edit: in fact not the same at all but never mind ..lol )rest of the first stanza reads ok.... basically just setting us up for the surprise by portraying her as the classically grieving wife. I though you could maybe have done even more in that direction, and certainly i felt the line "their love Would never know another rendezvous." was perhaps just a mite tame. "It was a brilliant act – she looked at me" ~sigh~ it's the old problem of our different pronunciation i guess but this line just didn't scan right at all and all because of the word "brilliant" where i read: BRILL I ant or even BRILL I ANT but not BRILL yant as i suspect you do........ sheesh ...when will you lot over there learn to pronounce all your syllables - what is the "I" there for if not to be articulated? "And winked the sign that everything had gone As planned – her husband dead, we now were free" Hey Libbi - you wanted to know what a "TURN" was well there is one heckuva turn ..lol ......nice jim (if just a teeny weeny bit obvious, but then others don't have the advantage of knowing your devilish cunning like me...heh) and like the neat closing off couplet as well. good fun sonnet jim with plenty of technical interest. philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 10-07-2000).] |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
I like the line: The soundness of the will that hid her grief. But overall I would give this a C+ though I consider it a good effort. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I like the plastic bag stuff, the first line (particularly well done) and I like the line: The soundness of the will that hid her grief, But I hated: To let our secret lives embrace the dawn and the use of 'my angel' -- think it leaves the reader too disconcerted -- can't help but wonder if devil or demon might be appropriate here. I think it needs something to give it more layers, a play, or something. I know you can better than some of those flat lines as well. Still, I liked much of the flow and the turn was nice as well. Just an opinion, Brad PS Also like it when Philip mentions my name and quotes one of my works. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Jim, Now I'm not normally a fan of the sonnet but I really think you pulled it off here. I really enjoyed where you put the line breaks in and your punctuation, I thought it was really effective in helping to enhance the storyline and the unfolding of it. Also the rhyming was subtle and went smoothly with your line breaks, especially the first stanza...the only part I tripped over was at "And winked the sign that everything had gone As planned – her husband dead, we now were free" the break at "gone/As planned" I had trouble with....but it might just be my reading of it. One suggestion for change is the line: "To let our secret lives embrace the dawn." A little too cliched perhaps and a little weak in comparison to the whole of the poem. I liked your use of "angel" and the irony it holds....this man's angel is another man's devil. Also I really liked the story and actually found it refreshing to see it in a sonnet form. Good job Jim. Thanks for the read. Trevor |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Jim for what it's worth i saw the irony in the closing couplet and particulary the word "angel" in exactly the way Trev did. P |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
But that's exactly my point concerning Angel, guys. To use that word here strikes me as making the male speaker naive. I find this reading (given that I don't see other points of self-deception) unpersuasive. I would have liked some hint of the dangers involved in this relationship. True, the reader sees this (we all agree on this part, right?), but I think the speaker should show, should feel, something just isn't quite right with this. Even if he's in denial. Just an opinion, Brad |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, Brad: "True, the reader sees this (we all agree on this part, right?), but I think the speaker should show, should feel, something just isn't quite right with this." True enough, however and I was originally going to put this in my initial response but had a time limit to work with, the reader is responsible to some extent and should form some after thoughts. The thoughts I formed after reading this poem was and the "angel" part was irony-and I explained why, but also I continued that thought and had a idea of, she killed off her lover so why wouldn't she do it again and also that he let something be done to her lover so why wouldn't he consider offing her in the future. Maybe I read too much into the poem but nonetheless those were the thoughts that sprung to mind after reading this poem and that's why I thought Jim's use of the cliched word "angel" was effective. I think "my angel" contrasting against the context of its use and the story of the poem gave a clear indication of what was meant and enough depth to warrant its use. Well that's my take Brad, been so long since we disagreed that I almost feel like I'm breaking the law Thanks, Trevor |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
brad interesting this because i never saw the use of "Angel" as conflicting with the portrayal of the speaker in the remainder of the poem. surely the guy is so up to his eyeballs in guilt and involvement in the crime that we can't possibly see him as anything other than the villain he is - i even wondered whether in the background he might in fact be the arch manipulator and instigator. and like trev says, they are both as bad as each other and its equally likely that he will "off" her (as trev so succinctly puts it) as she will "top" him. guess its just a question of who ends up being cleverer. Given that background of obvious deviousness to his character surely its pretty impossible to believe that the use of the word "Angel" can be naive! I actually took this as a look inside the speaker's mind. we are seeing her as he sees her at that particular moment, we know her to be a murderess, he knows he to be a murderess yet ironically he is happy to apply a word normally reserved for innocence in order simply to accommodate his own distorted desires. More irony as well when we reflect on what is NOT said - what type of Angel is this? The Angel of Death maybe? philip oh, and i guess i've broken the law so many times, once more ain't gonna hurt - and anyway it's kinda fun [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 10-09-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
I'm enjoying the discussion and thank you all for participating. To all of you in general, I know this has some weak lines and I am scratching out a revision now (hope to have it done before too long). What I really wanted to see is whether the story-line works and, thanks to your feedback, have some ideas on where to take the poem from here. Brad: Philip saved me the time in responding to your concerns about my using the word "angel". I was aiming for the sinister but I think, perhaps, a little bit of naivete is not unrealistic in the speaker's circumstance (sort of like the illusion of control in your last poem ... "Sight" I think it is called). I do, however, concede that I have not built enough of a foundation for the direction I intended the reader to run with "angel" and think giving the speaker more depth (or layers) may help. For now, I'm looking for the right nouns and verbs to pull this off. Thanks for the vote of confidence. Philip: I scan the first feet of the "brilliant" line as: "it WAS / a BRILL- / i-ant PLAN ...". I do pronounce/enunciate the "i" syllable in "brilliant" and intended this foot to be an anapestic substitution (some conventions refer to it as a ******* iamb). When will you Brits learn to loosen up? lol. I'll ditch the tame/weak lines. Thanks for the feedback. Marq: Thanks for the passing grade. I'll try to work it up into "B" range with the revision.Trevor: Thanks for the critique and I'm glad you liked the poem. You've actually started me thinking about this type of theme with some of your previous posts. I started the poem without even considering the turn but an earlier poem you wrote about a criminal with a history of abuse and the more recent poem with the great ending "monsters make monsters" pushed me the rest of the way. Thanks. Everyone: Again, thanks. Jim P.S. LOL ... looks like Ron's software found the conventional terminology for my substitution to be offensive. [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 10-09-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
good *** the ******* software is now dictating what we can ****** well write is it!! well good for ******* Ron is what I say - and so now we really have to use cars rather than **** and even male hens get the ******* chop ... what a ****-up.....!! seriously it's a really **** idea - what!? it won't even let me spell "cool" with a k and an e and a w ...shheesh as for the b-iamb - ok i'll let you have that jim see ya phil*ip |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Jim it took me a few minutes to digest this one, but once consumed quite tasty. I think everyone's in agreement on the power points. The ending had me a little baffled, as I was considering motives. I do agee with Trevor in that the reader has a certain responsibility to do a little scratching. My only problem with angel was deciding if he was talking about his executioner or his afterlife escort. Nice and very readable. forrest |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
I have to defend the use of Angel here... it totally sets up the irony of the last line... not much for sonnets personally but, I'd say it was an interesting subject for one... |
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jonmcm Member
since 2000-10-11
Posts 222England |
Hi Jim, I enjoyed the sonnet, my favourite lines being: - "My angel smiled at me and looked around, Then tossed the plastic bag onto the ground." A few have commented on this line, and I think it’s great! The human condition can be very dark when ill-conceived love or passions for a cause over ride logical thought and basic moral standards. The lover his eyes (blinded by his passions) beholds a glorious heavenly angel, but the reader (hopefully of balanced persuasion) will see a fallen angel “And winked the sign that everything had gone As planned – her husband dead.” Best wishes Jon |
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