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jonmcm
Member

since 2000-10-11

Posts 222
England

0 posted 2000-10-11 06:33 PM

Thinking of the countless times
That I have bent my mind,
To restrictions of a powerful clench.
Consumed by pain and sorrow,
I do watch and fear time,
As if there is no hope for tomorrow.
I am overrun with guilt!
I am overrun with sin!
There is no rational opening,
To alleviate a heart so taut.
Where is the forgiveness?
Where is the unmerited love of God?
Only in the unseen – Faith
Only in the wishing – Hope

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

1 posted 2000-10-12 01:03 PM

Hello Jon:

Welcome to CA.

I think you have a functional outline of the poem you are aiming to write.  I would suggest that you drop the rhyme and consider using more illustrative language.  Since this is a religious poem, perhaps some of the Psalms would be worthwhile models for you to go by.

"Thinking of the countless times
That I have bent my mind,
To restrictions of a powerful clench."

What times?  What clench?  I think more precise language and specific circumstances are more satisfying to a reader.  Your language is general I am left with little if any picture of the difficulty of the circumstances you mention.

"Consumed by pain and sorrow,
I do watch and fear time,
As if there is no hope for tomorrow."

Now I know that pain and sorrow are atleast part of the difficulties the speaker is experiencing, but the language is common and doesn't strike me with the force it could have were it worded differently.

"I am overrun with guilt!
I am overrun with sin!"

These are the lines that got me thinking about Psalms (Hebrew poetry uses this particular poetic tool often ... it is a tupe of parallelism used to emphasize and build upon a certain line of thinking.  I think these lines are good but they cannot stand on their own.  Consider explaining the reason for the guilt and the nature of the sin.

"There is no rational opening,
To alleviate a heart so taut.
Where is the forgiveness?
Where is the unmerited love of God?
Only in the unseen – Faith
Only in the wishing – Hope"

I think you've stopped short and your turn is too abrupt.  You've built your conclusion without a road to get us there.  I think an appropriate place for the turn in your theme would be following the "Where" questions but you've answered the questions without giving us any indication of the mental struggle that went along with speaker getting there.

Just an opinion.

Jim

Poertree
Senior Member

since 1999-11-05

Posts 1359
UK

2 posted 2000-10-12 02:47 PM

Hi Jon

First things first - another Englishman? Great! Welcome to CA.

I see you've met Jim! Well, for an ign'r'nt yank he's ok

and as i'm leaving for scotland for a few days shortly i really haven't got time right now to do this poem justice with a proper reading and commentary. I really just came to say "Hi, and please stay ..lol"

...

back soon (tuesday to be precise)

Philip

jonmcm
Member

since 2000-10-11

Posts 222
England

3 posted 2000-10-14 05:43 PM

Hi Jim,

You gave me much food for thought. You are right I do need to develop the poem. What had gone around in my head and heart did not get onto paper. Therefore, I have revised and reposted to give more detail (but perhaps not all you require?

) so as to make the reason for writing the poem less ambiguous.

I would be grateful of your comments on the revision.

Kind regards
Jon

Hello Philip,

Hope your trip went well and would appreciate the comments of an Englishman, in addition to, those received from a member of a former colony

.

You will see from my message to Jim that I have posted a revision.

Cheers
Jon

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