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Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada

0 posted 2000-10-04 01:23 AM


A bird
black’d tarred feathered ka’s

A bird
on a tree
aged ringed chipped leafed

A bird
on a tree
in a poem
sounding louder in my mind than in my words
but still better than
a bird
on a tree
in a poem
in my mind
never written
never allowed to ka.


© Copyright 2000 Trevor Davis - All Rights Reserved
Man With A Revolver
New Member
since 2000-10-04
Posts 7
Netherlands
1 posted 2000-10-04 04:43 PM


It's nice how you shift from the bird to the thoughts you have about it and the bars that block them from getting ink on your paper.

Too bad you didn't succeed in passing these bars.. although we have seen a sweet little glimpse of the thoughts in your mind on the bird in the tree..  

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
2 posted 2000-10-05 11:45 PM


Well done Trevor. You kept the suspension (the tension) going through the whole piece. Nice use of rhythm and line breaks as well.

Criticism?

Well, I don't like 'ka' but I don't have a better suggestion.

Thanks,
Brad

Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

3 posted 2000-10-06 12:56 PM


Sir T  

I really like your poem, I like the way it changed from bird to your thoughts about not writing about it   And I like the format as well  

There is just one thing I didnt understand or know the meaning of...   and thats, ka's or ka? What does that mean?

I'd like to read your poem again knowing the meaning of Ka, thanks Sir T  

Maree


Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
4 posted 2000-10-06 07:41 AM


Hello,

Man with a revolver:

Thanks for your comments and for taking the time to read this poem.

Brad:

Allows glad to hear your input. "Ka", well I couldn't think of anything better as well. Truthfully I don't really like this poem but threw it in along with the other one I have posted just out of boredom. The poem itself is no more really than an excuse of why it is a bad poem.....and basically that's how it was convieved. I wrote the first two stanza's and said to myself...this is awful but then I thought, well I guess its better to have written a bad poem than no poem at all.

Thanks for your comments Brad.

Maree:

ohhhhh the Sir T thing again
The first "ka" is suppose to resemble the sound a bird makes...more specifically a crow ka'ing. The second "Ka" is kinda using the same word to say an idea making it to paper and therefore giving the idea a voice.

Thanks for your input Fair Lady Maree.


jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
5 posted 2000-10-06 12:53 PM


Trevor:

Loved the poem ... but I think the sound you are describing is more commonly known as a "caw" and, as a bonus, I don't think the word "caw" loses the onomatopoeic effect you were going for.  

One question ... why the "'d" in "black'd"?  Is that supposed to be some Canadian thing or something?  

Later.

Jim

Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

6 posted 2000-10-07 10:16 PM


Thank you for the explanation Sir T  
You gave the idea a beautiful voice   I enjoyed your poem more the second time around   I heard that bird sing

Thank you oooh err from Fair Lady Maree  

"If my words could blanket the skies
and fill every corner and crevice of
this earth, still this won't be enough"
"Maree Russo"

Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
7 posted 2000-10-08 11:18 AM


Hey Jim,

"but I think the sound you are describing is more commonly known as a "caw" and, as a bonus, I don't think the word "caw" loses the onomatopoeic effect you were going for."

Actually Jim, "caw" is the sound of an American crow where as "ka" is the sound of a Canadian crow....geesh, it always seems like I'm educating you on foriegn culture  

"One question ... why the "'d" in "black'd"?  Is that supposed to be some Canadian thing or something?"

Not a Canadian thing, just a Trevorism Actually, I thought it was just more esthetically pleasing as "black'd" and wanted that "ed" sound throughout most of that line but didn't want "blacked"...I dunno Jim, why do you ask such difficult questions?


Fair Lady Maree.....

What else can I say?    


jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
8 posted 2000-10-09 12:52 PM


Trevor:

I am an American but that doesn't make me completely naive as to some particulars about my canucker neighbors.  Everyone knows a Canadian crow says "caw, eh - caw, eh".

You wonder'd why I ask'd such diffic'lt quest'ns?  Just happ'ns to be one of my more annoy'ng hab'ts (but not my most annoying habit by any stretch of the imagination).  

Jim

Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
9 posted 2000-10-10 04:54 AM


Hey Jim,

"Everyone knows a Canadian crow says "caw, eh - caw, eh"."

You darn yanks always fall back on the teasing of Canadian speech impediments  ...Yes our crows say "caw-eh" and an American crow says, "caw y'all - caw y'all"   But I thought we were talking about crows...not mocking birds  

"Just happ'ns to be one of my more annoy'ng hab'ts (but not my most annoying habit by any stretch of the imagination)."

Y's nott y'r moe'st an'oy'ng habidt butt pr't'i d'rn klo'ss. Actually I'd have to say your most annoying habit is probably when you say what you are thinking or express yourself in any form or manner    

Take care Jim,

Trevor

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
10 posted 2000-10-10 12:56 PM


Trevor:

Those are red-neck crows you are describing.  Yankee crows tend to be more abrupt than their northern or southern cousins and find "caw" sufficient.  

Just expressing what I think because I know it annoys you.    

Jim

P.S. The pint I was planning to buy you just went from being a Molson to a Milwaukie's Best.  Keep it up, pal.  

kcsgrandma
Senior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 1522
Presque Isle, ME
11 posted 2000-10-10 11:11 PM


Well, the Yankee crows up here in northern Maine were saying caw-brrr, caw-brrr today, although I can't swear some of them didn't come over from New Brunswick.  

To love another person is to see the face of God.
- Les Miserables

Marilyn

Local Rebel
Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767
Southern Abstentia
12 posted 2000-10-11 01:08 PM


wouldn't a kanuk crow kah? eh?

other than that...
its kinda khute

Forrest Cain
Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA
13 posted 2000-10-12 12:08 PM


Trevor I really liked this one. It's probally just my hillbilly upbringin but the long line in the third verse hurt my eyes.
Not to read, but to look at.

forrest

Seoulman
Junior Member
since 2000-05-24
Posts 41

14 posted 2000-10-12 12:55 PM


Trevor, I can't believe you said you didn't like this one. If you'd made that comment on your last one or two poems I wouldn't have argued but this poem is very clever, kind of like one of those picture puzzles where if you hold it a certain way, the picture appears.

Well written, and very worthy of respect. No critique sorry!

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