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Critical Analysis #1
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A Bird
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A Bird |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
A bird black’d tarred feathered ka’s A bird on a tree aged ringed chipped leafed A bird on a tree in a poem sounding louder in my mind than in my words but still better than a bird on a tree in a poem in my mind never written never allowed to ka. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Trevor Davis - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Man With A Revolver New Member
since 2000-10-04
Posts 7Netherlands |
It's nice how you shift from the bird to the thoughts you have about it and the bars that block them from getting ink on your paper. Too bad you didn't succeed in passing these bars.. although we have seen a sweet little glimpse of the thoughts in your mind on the bird in the tree..  |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well done Trevor. You kept the suspension (the tension) going through the whole piece. Nice use of rhythm and line breaks as well. Criticism? Well, I don't like 'ka' but I don't have a better suggestion. Thanks, Brad |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Sir T I really like your poem, I like the way it changed from bird to your thoughts about not writing about it And I like the format as well There is just one thing I didnt understand or know the meaning of... and thats, ka's or ka? What does that mean? I'd like to read your poem again knowing the meaning of Ka, thanks Sir T Maree |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, Man with a revolver: Thanks for your comments and for taking the time to read this poem. Brad: Allows glad to hear your input. "Ka", well I couldn't think of anything better as well. Truthfully I don't really like this poem but threw it in along with the other one I have posted just out of boredom. The poem itself is no more really than an excuse of why it is a bad poem.....and basically that's how it was convieved. I wrote the first two stanza's and said to myself...this is awful but then I thought, well I guess its better to have written a bad poem than no poem at all. Thanks for your comments Brad. Maree: ohhhhh the Sir T thing again The first "ka" is suppose to resemble the sound a bird makes...more specifically a crow ka'ing. The second "Ka" is kinda using the same word to say an idea making it to paper and therefore giving the idea a voice. Thanks for your input Fair Lady Maree. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Trevor: Loved the poem ... but I think the sound you are describing is more commonly known as a "caw" and, as a bonus, I don't think the word "caw" loses the onomatopoeic effect you were going for. One question ... why the "'d" in "black'd"? Is that supposed to be some Canadian thing or something?  Later. Jim |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Thank you for the explanation Sir T You gave the idea a beautiful voice I enjoyed your poem more the second time around I heard that bird singThank you oooh err from Fair Lady Maree "If my words could blanket the skies and fill every corner and crevice of this earth, still this won't be enough" "Maree Russo" |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey Jim, "but I think the sound you are describing is more commonly known as a "caw" and, as a bonus, I don't think the word "caw" loses the onomatopoeic effect you were going for." Actually Jim, "caw" is the sound of an American crow where as "ka" is the sound of a Canadian crow....geesh, it always seems like I'm educating you on foriegn culture "One question ... why the "'d" in "black'd"? Is that supposed to be some Canadian thing or something?" Not a Canadian thing, just a Trevorism Actually, I thought it was just more esthetically pleasing as "black'd" and wanted that "ed" sound throughout most of that line but didn't want "blacked"...I dunno Jim, why do you ask such difficult questions? Fair Lady Maree..... What else can I say? |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Trevor: I am an American but that doesn't make me completely naive as to some particulars about my canucker neighbors. Everyone knows a Canadian crow says "caw, eh - caw, eh". You wonder'd why I ask'd such diffic'lt quest'ns? Just happ'ns to be one of my more annoy'ng hab'ts (but not my most annoying habit by any stretch of the imagination). Jim |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey Jim, "Everyone knows a Canadian crow says "caw, eh - caw, eh"." You darn yanks always fall back on the teasing of Canadian speech impediments ...Yes our crows say "caw-eh" and an American crow says, "caw y'all - caw y'all" But I thought we were talking about crows...not mocking birds "Just happ'ns to be one of my more annoy'ng hab'ts (but not my most annoying habit by any stretch of the imagination)." Y's nott y'r moe'st an'oy'ng habidt butt pr't'i d'rn klo'ss. Actually I'd have to say your most annoying habit is probably when you say what you are thinking or express yourself in any form or manner Take care Jim, Trevor |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Trevor: Those are red-neck crows you are describing. Yankee crows tend to be more abrupt than their northern or southern cousins and find "caw" sufficient. Just expressing what I think because I know it annoys you. Jim P.S. The pint I was planning to buy you just went from being a Molson to a Milwaukie's Best. Keep it up, pal. |
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kcsgrandma Senior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 1522Presque Isle, ME |
Well, the Yankee crows up here in northern Maine were saying caw-brrr, caw-brrr today, although I can't swear some of them didn't come over from New Brunswick. To love another person is to see the face of God. - Les Miserables Marilyn |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
wouldn't a kanuk crow kah? eh? other than that... its kinda khute |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Trevor I really liked this one. It's probally just my hillbilly upbringin but the long line in the third verse hurt my eyes. Not to read, but to look at. forrest |
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Seoulman Junior Member
since 2000-05-24
Posts 41 |
Trevor, I can't believe you said you didn't like this one. If you'd made that comment on your last one or two poems I wouldn't have argued but this poem is very clever, kind of like one of those picture puzzles where if you hold it a certain way, the picture appears. Well written, and very worthy of respect. No critique sorry! |
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