No Words Can Express(revision&renamed)

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mysticharm
Member

since 2000-06-08

Posts 189
Canada

0 posted 2000-09-25 04:52 PM

This poem was originally called 'No Words Can Express' but Brad pointed out it didn't really go with the poem, thanks Brad

so I've renamed it:

Words Aren't Enough

A generation that sparkles with magnificent color,
eagerly participating in life's ritual dance,
an insatiable desire to learn all life's secrets,
embarking each day in harmonious balance.

The inevitable changes subtly transform you,
your inner voice whispers as you sleep,
whispers of the woman you've yet to become,
faint hints of the woman you've yet to meet.

As I watch the child diminish from view,
pride overwhelms me yet my heart aches,
the young woman emerging in her place,
must find her way, make her own mistakes.

As you pass over the threshold of maturity,
the mother in me doesn't want to let go,
you looked back as if you knew my thoughts,
the woman in me smiled, yes, you did know.

(Cathy et Chantal, il n'y a pas de mots au monde qui peut exprimer comment je t'aime)

debbie

Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue.
Love is a gift, not an obligation.
unknown

Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

1 posted 2000-09-26 06:18 AM

Hi Debbie,

"A generation that sparkles with magnificent color,
eagerly participating in life's ritual dance,
an insatiable desire to learn all life's secrets,
embarking each day in harmonious balance."

"sparkles with magnificant color" isn't very descriptive. Consider describing instead of generalizing the colors. Maybe add extra lines? "dance" and "balance" don't really rhyme and have an awkward sound as such IMO. Also the meter seemed a bit off throughout the poem, seemed to uncomfortably erratic in line length. In line 2 and 3 you use "life", seemed a noticable repetition of the same word at too close proximity.

"The inevitable changes subtly transform you,
your inner voice whispers as you sleep,
whispers of the woman you've yet to become,
faint hints of the woman you've yet to meet."

The repetition of "whispers" and "woman" worked for me in this stanza....I think this is because from lines 2-4 you build slowly upon each repetition until the line finally states what it is about.

"As I watch the child diminish from view,
pride overwhelms me yet my heart aches,
the young woman emerging in her place,
must find her way, make her own mistakes."

"heart aches" is extremely cliched and especially more so when you rhyme it with "mistakes". Also the meter seems off in this stanza, though I think the count is on...think its the comma in line four that I'm having trouble with or the repetition of "her" in the same line.

"As you pass over the threshold of maturity,
the mother in me doesn't want to let go,
you looked back as if you knew my thoughts,
the woman in me smiled, yes, you did know."

Pretty good ending Debbbie, seemed the strongest section of the poem. All in all I think the poem could use some more descriptions esp. in the first stanza, this however might force you to reorganize the format, which might also be a good thing,

anyways, thanks for the read,

Trevor

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

2 posted 2000-09-26 08:58 AM

Mysti, Trevor has some good points. My only beef is that this reads like prose not poetry. I think the core ideas if expressed in a poetic flow can be beautiful. Maybe another revision?

mysticharm
Member

since 2000-06-08

Posts 189
Canada

3 posted 2000-09-26 05:09 PM

hi trevor

...it's funny how you don't notice things until someone points them out

...you are right with dance & balance, they don't really seem to rhyme when you say them by themselves, I hadn't noticed the repetitions with 'life's' and 'her' in the 3rd stanza but I do now LOL

...I didn't think 'heart aches' would be looked at as cliche but then I'm still working on those too, I did think at the time I wrote 'make her own mistakes' as cliche but wasn't sure how else to word it.

...the meter is still a big problem for me, it seems to rely on how you emphasize a word but I'm working on it

...thanks trevor for taking the time to help me, will be doing a revision

debbie

debbie

Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue.
Love is a gift, not an obligation.
unknown

mysticharm
Member

since 2000-06-08

Posts 189
Canada

4 posted 2000-09-26 05:13 PM

hi YM

...thanks for stopping by, to be honest I will have to check what you mean by prose, a term I'm not familiar with.

debbie

debbie

Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue.
Love is a gift, not an obligation.
unknown

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

5 posted 2000-09-26 10:49 PM

I think this is much stronger. Trevor makes some very valid points of course but that last stanza made me smile.

Dance and balance don't rhyme well because the stress is wrong. You try to say baLANCE rather than BAlance.

Just an opinion,
Brad

mysticharm
Member

since 2000-06-08

Posts 189
Canada

6 posted 2000-09-27 02:27 AM

hi brad

...I'm pleased you stop by & I agree trevor did make some very valid points I'm working on now, hope you will stop back when it's done.

...you are right, I tend to stress the wrong syllable, what did philip say once, it's the accent LOL,

...I liked your suggestion for the last paragraph, I'm glad it made you smile, thanks so much brad for giving me pointers

debbie

debbie

Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue.
Love is a gift, not an obligation.
unknown

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

7 posted 2000-09-27 11:46 AM

Hi Debbie,

Haven't talked with you in a while. My fault and my loss, BTW. Well, as stated above, the meter is a little ragged and some of the rhyme is not quite there. But I like it anyway. It is something I wish I had written for my daughter but, of course, I am not her mother

BTW, prose is simply writing which is not poetry. Perhaps Yeshujah was bothered by the sometimes broken rhythm but I didn't really have that much of a problem with it. It reads very poetic to me.

Pete

Imagination is more important than knowledge
Albert Einstein

mysticharm
Member

since 2000-06-08

Posts 189
Canada

8 posted 2000-09-27 09:14 PM

hi pete

...it sure has been awhile, am glad you stop by

...i'm stumbing as i read too lol, thanks for clearing up the issue on 'prose', that's what i thought it was but it's nice to know for sure

as always, it's nice to hear from you

debbie

debbie

Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue.
Love is a gift, not an obligation.
unknown

Forrest Cain
Member

since 2000-04-21

Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA

9 posted 2000-10-12 12:27 PM

Hi Debbie, enjoyed your poem. Not much left to say when Trevor's done. I've watch two daughter's and two son's leave the nest and it's hard, but grandchildren are a real
compensation. (I love it when you talk french). Maybe you could write us a little
poem in french, with the translation of course.

forrest

mysticharm
Member

since 2000-06-08

Posts 189
Canada

10 posted 2000-10-12 05:55 PM

Hi Forrest

...it's good to hear from you and as always it's a pleasure

...I just might write one in french along with the translation, thanks for stopping by and I know what you mean, grandchildren can fill a void left behind when the kids leave the nest.

debbie

debbie

Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue.
Love is a gift, not an obligation.
unknown

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