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Critical Analysis #1
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Open to Rain. For Matt Shepherd.
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Open to Rain. For Matt Shepherd. |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
I wrote this the day Matthew Shepherd was killed. Just wanted to share it here. Open to rain At first I though it was the pain. My screams were rendered mute upon the careless deaf terrain; as once, no twice.. but, twice times thrice I bore the stripes rendered to Christ. Amidst it all a snail did crawl leaving a trail of crimson tall. 'twas not the pain! 'twas not the pain! The mechanism of my brain had shut that circuit's every main, I rode creation's mercy train. But hatred, that old demon great towered besides its gloating mate, and egged on hands that heard no plea and shone through eyes a-lit with glee. I embraced death my one true friend to exit any place where men, could kill and maim and call it fame, supported by a silence lame. 'twas not the pain! 'twas not the pain! The mechanism of my brain had shut that circuit's every main Once as a child I'd stoned a crow, now one fed on chunks flayed by blows. I looked into its careless eyes and saw the devil in disguise, his smile stretched over yonder mile. Then fire! Fire! Flames of fire! Upon the plains of Mamre damned, I took the place, the place of Ham; and in the name of he who formed the contours of my id was scorned, Naked came I Naked went I The blood still draining from mine eye. 'twas not the pain 'twas not the pain.. that took my breath and drained my vein. My screams were uttered all in vain, my blood now spattered like the rain- upon the merciless terrain. upon the merciless terrain. |
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| © Copyright 2000 YeshuJah Malikk - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
This has a lyrical quality, which isn't a bad thing for poetry, not at all. If I could make one suggestion, I believe the rhymes are overdone, I would love to read it without them. The message is strong. Kathleen |
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kcsgrandma Senior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 1522Presque Isle, ME |
I'm not so sure I agree about the rhymes. I think they tend to make the message stronger. I found this poem had a strong emotional effect on me, and I think the repeated rhymes increased that effect. Just the way I see it. To love another person is to see the face of God. - Les Miserables Marilyn |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Irish, thanks for the read and the crit. i was trying to use repition and rhyme to re-enforce the mood of this piece. Perhaps it didn't work for you. Give me a suggestion on how you would have gone about penning this. Ksc. Thanks for the read and comment. I see we agree on the form. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
YeshuJah: I had no problems with the rhymes (although they did become less original as the poem proceeded toward the end). For me, the second repetition of the refrain was a little much but that is a very minor issue with me. The meter seemed a little rough in "I embraced death my one true friend" and this threw off my rhythm a little. A double iamb would have worked in this line but I read "I" as accented, giving the first two feet a meter like: "I em- / -BRACED DEATH". Again, a very minor issue but it did put a speed bump in the momentum for me. I also think you may be able to trim it down a little. You have some excellent lines in this poem and I loved the allusions in the second to last stanza. I enjoyed reading this and I remember the unfortunate event that inspired you pretty well. I'd love to delve into the theme more but I'm out of time. I'll try to come back to it when I can. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 10-05-2000).] |
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Man With A Revolver New Member
since 2000-10-04
Posts 7Netherlands |
I really liked the rhymes and repetitions in this poem. Something I play with often as well. However I had trouble understanding the true intention of the poem, maybe also because I don't know the story of Matt Shepherd. (I'm from the Netherlands, maybe that helps) It's questionable if that's a bad thing, you probably wrote it, with the people that do know about it in mind. |
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