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Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

0 posted 2000-09-29 03:55 PM

Poem Unwritten

Yesterday revealed the beauty,
Made it seem my proper duty,
I should write a poem no one ever heard.
Then I sat down at the table,
Where I thought I would be able,
Pen in hand, I tried but could not write a word.

Thus I found myself unable,
And this felt a bit unstable,
Words of praise I could not write – I felt deterred.
Beauty, though exposed to vision,
Left me thoughts but indecision,
Nothing worthy came to mind . . . It was absurd.

Pete

Imagination is more important than knowledge
Albert Einstein

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2000-09-30 09:19 AM

'morning, Pete...I made a slight edition, tell me what you think...

I certainly enjoyed the thought in this, you Poet, you!

~~

Yesterday revealed sheer bliss, beauty,
made it seem my befitting duty,
to scribe a poem no one ever heard.
then as I sat down at my table,
where I thought I should be able,
Pen in hand, I tried but could not write a word.

Thus I found myself unable,
and felt to be a bit unstable,
words of praise I could not write - jarred, deterred.
Beauty, though exposed to vision,
left me thoughtless with indecision,
nothing worthy came to mind . . . It was so absurd.

< !signature-->

Karilea
When you want to be loved, look within...KRJ

[This message has been edited by Sunshine (edited 09-30-2000).]

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

2 posted 2000-09-30 01:58 PM

Pete,

I think this is a good expression of the loss of the muse. I also liked the rhyme scheme...different...and the format with the varied line lengths. It read smoothly to me, and was full of imagery.

In the last few lines, you've described so well the feeling of not being able to give birth to an idea when presented with what you imagine are the perfect inspirations...it is a profound and perplexing feeling of emptiness. Job well done, as usual,

Kris

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human
stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." ~
Albert Einstein

Elyse
Member

since 2000-04-16

Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC

3 posted 2000-10-01 04:33 PM

hi pete. i dont know about this structure. I cant help but think "the raven" when i read it, and i guess its just a me thing, but i expect sombre from the associations, and sombre this is not. that really kinda spoilt it for me. ya know? i mean i keep going back, but i just dont think this kind of structure fits the tone of the poem. but then again, i am kinda odd, so like i said, it could just be me.

luv Elyse

kcsgrandma
Senior Member

since 2000-09-24

Posts 1522
Presque Isle, ME

4 posted 2000-10-01 05:20 PM

Hi, Pete. This may be just me, and I'm certainly not as learned as many of you here, but am wondering about the meter in this poem. The content is nice enough, but I find it a bit jarring to read first and second and fourth and fifth lines with such a clear meter, and then to be thrown off-balance by the third and sixth. (Perhaps that's the musician in me.) Maybe re-wording a bit, for example, "I should write a poem as yet unheard" for the third line, would scan better. On the other hand, as you are writing about writer's block, maybe throwing the meter off-balance is fitting for the theme. Did you intend it that way? Anyway, it's nice to be here, and I hope to be able to contribute in a small way to this forum. It's an interesting place.

To love another person is to see the face of God.
- Les Miserables

Marilyn

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

5 posted 2000-10-02 10:32 AM

Karilea,

I like your revision well enough but it violates what I was trying to accomplish, as you'll see below.

Kris,

Thanks. You, of course, understood.

Elyse,

Not sure how you related this to The Raven. The only similarity I see is that both are trochaic throughout. See below for further comment on the structure.

Marilyn,

Thanks for commenting. It's good to hear a new voice. But I just left you a welcome under your sonnet

I'm not sure what you refer to on the meter. Yes, the 3rd and 6th lines are six feet whereas the others are four. Your suggestion seems to be trying to reduce the 6 to 5 but it also changes from trochaic. Perhaps you find six feet a bit awkward. Many times it is.

All right then, I wrote this very quickly (something I don't usually do). I had in mind a specific structure which I wanted to match. Here it is. You have probably seen it before

quote:

'Twas an evening in November,
As I very well remember,
I was strolling down the street in drunken pride.
But my knees were all a flutter,
And I landed in the gutter,
When a pig came up and lay down by my side.

So I lay there in the gutter,
Thinking thoughts I could not utter,
When a lady passing by was heard to say,
"You can tell a man who boozes,
By the company he chooses",
And with that the pig got up and walked away.

Anon.

Now I readily admit that mine is not as well structured and certainly not as memorable but that structure was my goal. I should have held back posting until I was able to edit a bit. I already have a couple of changes which make it read a little smoother.

Thanks,
Pete

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 10-02-2000).]

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

6 posted 2000-10-02 12:24 PM

Hey Pete:

I guess I am not the only one who thought about "The Raven" after reading this poem. After reading your explanation, I understand that the structure was your aim here.

What I think this poem is missing is the rest of the story.

Perhaps the "Raven-like" rhythm contributed to my feeling, but the story line, in my opinion, is just screaming for additional development. MORE! MORE! MORE, MAN, MORE!

I think the "absurdity" of the last line can be a spring-board for the rest of the poem ... it gives you an opening to explore many different possibilities including irony and pessimism.

Just a few thoughts.

Jim

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

7 posted 2000-10-02 04:24 PM

Well, I still don't see how you guys relate this to The Raven. As I read that famous poem and consider how this one might look or feel like it, this is what comes to mind.

   Yesterday revealed such beauty, seemed to be a fitting duty,
   I should write a poem, one like none the world has ever heard;
   Then I sat down at the table, where I thought I would be able
   But I found my mind unstable, seemed I could not write a word;
   Beauty, though exposed to vision, made me feel a bit deterred.
          Indecision . . . quite absurd.

Of course, it still doesn't have that dark quality. And as far as continuing, at least in this format, I am afraid I have just about used up the available store of suitable words rhyming with absurd. Could probably do about one more stanza or so.

Jim,

I do like your suggestion of expanding or extending but not sure I can pursue it at this time. Written enough long stuff recently to hold me for a while

I'm afraid.

Karilea,

You may notice that I used some of your revised wording in this version. I am reviewing the original and hope to incorporate some better wording, including some of yours. Maybe I'll repost later, if sufficiently revised.

Thanks,
Pete

kcsgrandma
Senior Member

since 2000-09-24

Posts 1522
Presque Isle, ME

8 posted 2000-10-03 01:52 AM

Maybe you are right and it is the six feet that are bothering me, although I think it is more likely I was putting the stress in the wrong places when I first looked. In any case, I have taken another look, and see your point. Thanks for your patience with my comments. And, yes, I am familiar with your model.

To love another person is to see the face of God.
- Les Miserables

Marilyn

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

9 posted 2000-10-03 03:03 PM

I absolutely loved this! Perhaps because I've been there so often, and wondered how could I not possibly have anything to say in the midst of so much. I loved the way you used the rhyme sceme to ramp it up too. No nits from me.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

10 posted 2000-10-04 11:44 AM

Hi again Marilyn,

Sounds like I won you over, at least a little

Actually, I never thought of the stresses being misleading. I tried to force the reader to read it as trochaic. I even changed a couple of words from the original to help with that. This lost some meaning BTW. But it appears that I may have been less than fully successful. Maybe Karilea had a similar problem with it?

Hi YeshuJah,

Thanks for commenting. I'm glad you enjoyed. You are, of course, absolutely right. It is indeed a frustrating situation, to be surrounded with so much to write and tell about but unable to assemble suitable words into something worthy

Thanks All,

Pete

Imagination is more important than knowledge
Albert Einstein

Man With A Revolver
New Member

since 2000-10-04

Posts 7
Netherlands

11 posted 2000-10-04 04:32 PM

Hey.. nice thoughts.
Though, it reminded me of limerick, because of the rhyming pairs. They had the same feeling, or rhythm, which makes it frivolous. Not sure if that's what you intended, but to me it disturbs a feeling of blocked expression which I would expect.
Still, the words itself do a good job at visualizing it.

the structure I can appreciate though, I see no problems with that, if you read it carefully and patiently. However I can't see how you tried to force a trochaic meter.

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