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Critical Analysis #1
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Autumns
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Autumns |
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kcsgrandma Senior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 1522Presque Isle, ME 
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I just wandered over from the pub and was impressed by the quality of the posts here. Having attempted a sonnet myself today, I am venturing to post it here and would welcome your suggestions. Autumns The autumn of the year has always been A pleasant and refreshing time to me. I revel in the air, so crisp and clean, Enjoy the changes on each leaf and tree. Why is it then that I have often thought I could not love life's autumn quite as well, And could not find the joys in life I sought When my September cast its changing spell? There's beauty in the frost-touched, colored leaf; Then see it in the frost-touched tresses, too; And if the summer's loss can be a grief, Yet months remaining can our joys renew. May autumn's flaming richness now inspire To share with loved ones my own autumn fire. To love another person is to see the face of God. - Les Miserables Marilyn |
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| © Copyright 2000 Marilyn Gordon - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi darlin! welcome to CA, i hope you're prepared for us  so, i will confess to you i wasnt sure at all about this poem until the fifth line. that's where (i feel) it really starts to get interesting. i mean, your first four lines are nice and all, they just seem like something i've already read, ya know? but these next lines are pretty good. you obviously dont have a problem with adapting to the form of sonnets, and the content is nice. And if the summer's loss can be a grief, Yet months remaining can our joys renew. now, these lines...somethig here is not right. im thinking either its the period that has to go, as "yet" is a leadig word, or maybe you could switch something else aroud, pick something else instead of yet or somethig. i dunno, it just kinda feels the way it is like im left hanging. hope that wasnt too terrible an experience  welcome to CA, hope you like it here luv Elyse |
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kcsgrandma Senior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 1522Presque Isle, ME |
Thanks, Elyse. I was prepared for some criticism. That's the "C" in CA, right? So far, it's not at all a terrible experience. I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean about the "Yet", but would "Then", or maybe "Still" work better there? Or perhaps it would be better to substitute "though" for "if" in the previous line? I'm a little inclined to think that would be closer to what I meant to say. It's been a long time since I did any writing for criticism. Friends and family are always kind. That's why I need CA, to give me some perspective. Thanks for your comments. I hope I can live up to the exalted company here. To love another person is to see the face of God. - Les Miserables Marilyn |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Marilyn, Welcome to CA. Although you didn't specifically say so, your comment sort of implied that this is your first sonnet. If so, I would have to call it outstanding. If not, then it is still pretty good, as Elyse has already said. Also, as she said, the subject is not really new but I thought you treated it in a fresh manner. . . Well, I just went back and read it again and have a whole new respect for the content. I think "then" is better than "yet". "Still" would also work but "then" seems more fitting to me. On first reading I saw a couple of rather nit-picky meter flaws but now, after reading a couple more times, I really can' find them again. Must have been really minor. I do have one small suggestion though. I know what you were shooting for and it works in a manner, but the repeat of "frost-touched" so close together is a bit troublesome. I would try for a different, if only slightly so, wording the second time. Well, this is all JMHO so treat it as such. I enjoyed your poem althought it hits a bit too close to home for me  Also, it's good to see someone else still writing an occasional sonnet. Glad you came over from the pub. Stay around a while and contribute some more.Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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kcsgrandma Senior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 1522Presque Isle, ME |
Thanks for your comments, Pete. To be honest, this is not my first sonnet, but I have only written one other and I refuse to let you see it. It was badly written for a trivial motive, and the person it was intended for was rightly unimpressed.I can certainly live with the change to "Then". I agree with your thoughts about using "frost-touched" twice, but have been unable so far to come up with another way to say it. I am open to suggestions. Glad you enjoyed it, even if it was close to home. I was trying to put a positive spin on middle age. (It's certainly not all bad. Being a grandma is pretty nice, in fact.) As for the sonnet form, I may try it again soon. I think the discipline is good for me. And thanks for the encouragement. I do hope to stick around a bit.To love another person is to see the face of God. - Les Miserables Marilyn |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
KS, this poem is sound to form and vision. I was bothered, however, by the use of so much(what seems overused verbiage to me). This is a tough subject to come fresh on and I didn't find any fresh slants here. Suggestion. I would start out in the second person using the Autumn years theme as a kickoff place, work some descriptions in and then introduce the other autumn, in a contrast, comparison mode. I think it could work better then, in my opinion. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Welcome to CA. I also agree that you seem to have no difficulty pulling off the sonnet form. I didn't see any lapses in meter or rhyme and your thematic turn is right where is should be. I did detect some syntax problems ... in lines 9 and 10, for example, where your sentence structure degrades in order to preserve the iambic pentameter. Line 9 seems to demand an "If" at its beginning to make the two lines an "If/Then" statement. Also, I believe you've used the semicolons in those two lines incorrectly also. I think you can correct much of the syntax problem in these lines by omitting the first syllable of the Line 9 and adjusting the wording like this: x IF / there's BEAU- / -ty IN / the FROST- / -touched LEAF, then SEE / it IN / the FROST- / -touched TRESS- / -es TOO, The "x" represents the omitted syllable. This is conventionally known as an anacrusis or truncated foot and is used fairly often by many sonnet writers. Line 9 seems to be an appropriate place to take advantage of this convention also, in my opinion. The "freshness" of your telling was not as big a concern with me. I think you deal with real feelings well enough that, to me, you've overcome the simplicity of presentation. In other words, I really like it. Just an opinion. Again, welcome to CA. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 10-06-2000).] |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
This is lovely, September is my favorite time of year Kathleen |
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