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warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

0 posted 2000-09-30 02:31 PM

she polished up her voice,
entered the room,
hoping to see old friends,
(It had been a while...
a course of events had kept her away.)

it was a subtle entrance, hesitant,
with tentative attempts made at communication,
as rejection brought feelings of inadequacy,
she did not succumb to those forces,
she spoke once more, an octave higher
than her previous whisperings...
and yet, no one listened.

she deduced that it was not her voice,
but she, herself, they no longer cared for,
after all, she'd been promptly replaced.
in an exit more subtle that her entrance,
she said "adieu" in a few short words,
for she knew well when her welcome was worn.
she hoped the next party
had a live band instead of a dj.

Kris

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2000-09-30 04:03 PM

Kris, I liked the flow of the free verse, the mood, the feelings evoked...IMHO I would not change a word...

Karilea
When you want to be loved, look within...KRJ

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2000-10-02 09:36 AM

Well Kris, I see at least one word I would change. In the fourth line of the third stanza,

"in an exit more subtle that her entrance,"

"that" should be "than"

Otherwise, it was a very interesting and well written read. You have your often used psychological connotation and it looks and feels right here. For some reason though, it seemed maybe a bit prosey, but may be just me.

Thanks,
Pete

Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

3 posted 2000-10-03 04:44 PM

Hi Kris,

"she polished up her voice,
entered the room,
hoping to see old friends,
(It had been a while...
a course of events had kept her away.)"

I liked the opening stanza, I thought the voice you used for the characters thoughts was brought forth here and maintained through the poem. One suggestion is to rid the second last line of the excessive periods....sorry I can never remember the technical name of that technique. I've always been pretty fussy with that use of spacing. I thought the line break worked well enough on its own. I don't know if the last two lines works for me yet, seems okay, but thought that you might be able to word it better or expand a bit without actually mentioning the things that kept her away. Other than that I thought it a pretty good opening.

"it was a subtle entrance, hesitant,
with tentative attempts made at communication,
as rejection brought feelings of inadequacy,
she did not succumb to those forces,
she spoke once more, an octave higher
than her previous whisperings...
and yet, no one listened."

I thought this stanza was the strongest part of the poem. The only suggestion I have is chop out the "...", seems unnecessary.

"she deduced that it was not her voice,
but she, herself, they no longer cared for,
after all, she'd been promptly replaced.
in an exit more subtle that her entrance,
she said "adieu" in a few short words,
for she knew well when her welcome was worn.
she hoped the next party
had a live band instead of a dj."

Again, a pretty solid stanza, however, I don't think you sold me on the ending. I'm interpretting it as her hoping that the next social gathering will have more down to earth, less snobbish people to associate with rather than generic-overdone-plastic people, am I right on this? I think the idea behind the ending is good and although it ties in nicely with the setting, I still found it lacking a good solid punch.
All in all I think this is a fairly strong poem and one of your more better ones of recent postings. I enjoyed the read, thanks for sharing it. Take care,

Trevor

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

4 posted 2000-10-07 07:35 AM

Hi Kris:

I liked this poem. The theme develops well and I think reaches its strongest point in the second stanza. In the last stanza, it seemed to me that you continued doing all the right things you had been doing previously but then the last two lines came across as a bit anticlimactic. If you intended to parallel the poem's subtle exit to the girls, I would suggest some rewording to make that parallel more clear.

But then again, I could be wrong.

I liked the poem, Grasshoppa. Thanks for posting.

Jim

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