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Seoulman
Junior Member

since 2000-05-24

Posts 41

0 posted 2000-09-23 11:07 PM

             From where I lounge eyes roam
             the six by two frame entrapped
             summer scene.

             Five blackened branchy trees
             dominate the window view
             but a gap of opportunity
             between three and four present
             the most of these resilient outdoors.

             Summer trends, summer doves,
             summer blues, and summer jams,
             seem to outlast even viperous
             heat that waits my aircon induced
             coma state.

             And this all before
             my mind comes down from
             portal skies, so imagine
             what a thirty degree dive
             can do to that long summer
             window of dreams.

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

1 posted 2000-09-27 12:59 PM

Seoulman:

I like this. I'm still working on the meaning. Actually, it is the "thirty degree dive" that has me guessing. My original thoughts were that the narrator is describing the scene around him while in a traffic jam. The "six by two frame entrapped scene" may describe the rough dimensions of a car windshield.

The "thirty degree dive", in my opinion, could be describing a dip in the temperature (changing seasons) or take on a more ominious tone ... alluding to a plane crash ... possibly the cause of the traffic jam.

At any rate, I would appreciate it if you could shed a little light on this one for me. Thanks.

Jim

Seoulman
Junior Member

since 2000-05-24

Posts 41

2 posted 2000-10-02 12:15 PM

Hi Jim, soory to get back late on this one. Well, the poem certainly evoked lots of images(mostly confusion). The dimensions are of a window frame of a coffee shop here where I live and the thirty degree dive is just the change in shift of my head. Looking straight out of a 2nd floor window(roow of tall chairs along the window), then dropping my head to actually see what's happening below. I thought with this poem sometimes we look at a sky or the feeling of temperature and it evokes certain images already conceived in our minds before we survey the whole picture.
Thanks for the comments!

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2000-10-06 12:04 PM

Matt,
Certainly one of your strongest rhythmic poems. Still, you keep yourself at armslength here and it comes through in the style of the poem. There are times when you rely on certain words to infuse the piece with emotion that makes the piece seem strained. Poems don't have to be riddles, you know.

quick rewrite:

The six by two frame entrapped
a summer scene.

Five blackened trees
dominate
but a gap
between three and four,
I see resilient outdoors.

trends, doves,
blues, jams,
even viperous heat

in my aircon induced coma state.

my mind in portal skies,
created by a thirty degree dive
into long summer.

Maybe not the best way to go of course but I think it makes the poem 'closer'.

Just an opinion,
Brad

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